Photos of my Mom~

Today I thought I would just put up a few of my favorite pictures of my Mom.  The first one of Mom is when she is holding Emmie.  I just love it.  They both look so comfy!  Like Emmie belongs in her arms!  This one is a keeper for sure.  Emmie will love this when she gets older.  The second picture is one that Ty took.  Mom is smiling for Ty....I love it.  The third one I kind of took from Jolene's Face book page...I saw it and had to have it!!  I hope she doesn't mind that I took it!  Mom just looks so happy and pretty in this picture.  It's one of my favorite pictures of her.   A lot of my pictures of Mom are a little older so I can't put them on the computer...my scanner isn't working!!!   So, I thought I would just put these few up today.  Just in memory of her.  She is always on my mind, in my heart.

Emmie and Mom

Ty took this photo



I took this photo from Jolene's FB page...hope she doesn't mind!!  I just thought it was such a great picture of Mom!



Devin after surgery pictures!

Here are some pictures of Devin after his surgery.  I know they are a little late!!!  Sorry!!  I guess I have been LAZY about putting them up....but better late then never!!!!  He is doing pretty good so far.  We will go back in on the 4th to get his stent out and hopefully the doctor will have some good news for us!   That surgery will only take about five minutes...as per the doctor!!  It will take longer for him to get ready then the actually surgery!!  I'm sure the recovery time will be better also!!!  Devin is hoping so!   

Devin right after surgery











Devin and me before his surgery



Devin up and trying to eat





Sitting and watching a movie



Somethings Missing........

Do you ever get the feeling that something is missing?  I have had that feeling this holiday season.  It's my second Christmas without my Mom.  But to me it really feels like my first one.  Last year I was still kind of in a fog.  To tell you the truth I can't really remember a lot about last years holiday season!!  I know...not good.  But I was trying to remember what I had made for Christmas Eve dinner last year and I just couldn't remember.  There are lots of things about that holiday that have left my mind!!!  To me this whole month brings back lots of memories of what I was doing and where I was.  I know that I got home on the Monday before Christmas and had lots to do to get ready.  But if you ask me today what I did...I don't think I could tell you!

Okay ....now back to Somethings Missing........

I was talking to everyone on Christmas day.  I talked to Leah, Lanette, Lyndsey and then my Dad.  But now wait just a minute.....I'm now supposed to talk to my Mom.  But I didn't get to talk to her this year.  Something was missing.........  I did shed a few tears after that conversation.  It just felt a little strange that she wasn't there, that I didn't get to talk to her.  I know for all of them at the house, they must have felt the same thing all day long.........they had something missing also. 

Now looking at photos from Christmas Eve on the Internet from my Aunt and I see photos of my family and where my Mom should be, she isn't!!!  Something is missing........  She should be in the photo!  She should be smiling, looking at her grandsons.  I look and I see my Dads face and see that he isn't his self.  He is missing something....he is missing her. 

Our something is missing.

A letter to Mom~

Dear Mom,

I can't believe that it's been a year.  A year since I last saw your face, a year since I last heard your voice, a year since I last held your hand.  All of this still feels like it was yesterday.  I can remember every second of that terrible day.  I remember walking into that hallway knowing that it was going to be my last day with you.  Walking into your room looking at you in your bed thinking, I can't do this...I can't say goodbye to you.  Not you...not my Mom.  This can't be happening, you can't be leaving me, you can't be leaving us..not like this, not now.  You are still so young.  You still have so much more to do, so many more days to live.  But that wasn't how this was day was going to end...we were told this was the day, we didn't have any more time. 

The time came for me to say goodbye.....I only had a few minutes, everyone wanted time with you, I didn't want to take up all the time.  As I sit here thinking about what I said, I wonder to myself, did I say the right things?  I'm not sure if I did.  Did you hear me?   All I know is that what I really wanted was for you to open your eyes and see me and tell me that everything was okay.  That you were okay with what was happening.  If truth be told what I really wanted is for you to stay.  But we knew that wasn't going to happen.  You knew when the doctors had told you that we couldn't do anything that we didn't have much hope, but the thing was that you never gave up.  You never gave up HOPE!  I never saw you get down.  You were so brave, braver then I could ever dream of being.  You truly are my hero! 

I just couldn't imagine my life without you.  We as a family couldn't imagine our life without you.  I sit here thinking about the family and I see every ones faces and the look of sadness as we all sat every day and night at the Ray Hickey House.  I admit we tried to act like we were okay, we smiled and talked, but deep down you could see it in all of our eyes the sadness, the pain.  We thought we are yet again losing a family member.  Someone so important to so many.  Someone that so many depend on.  Mostly for friendship and companionship, that is what you were...a friend to so many. 

To me we had so many wonderful talks on the phone.  Even though I lived so many miles away, we still managed to be so close.  It never felt like I was that far away from you.  Besides not seeing your face I still felt like I was at home when I talked to you.  Our Monday morning phone calls were my favorite.  I looked forward to them more then I can tell you.  For some reason or another if one of us missed one then it just felt weird the rest of the day.  We would catch up on what happened on the weekend and you would fill me in on what was going on at home.  We would talk again during the week but those Monday morning were the best.  My Mondays are just not the same.  I just always felt like you were right here with me.

This past year has went by in a blink of an eye.  I still can't believe that you are gone.  I say that all the time.  I think for the first 6 months I was here, but I wasn't.  I did everything I needed to do to get by, but nothing else. I would take care of the kids and the house, but above that I gave nothing.  I just wasn't me anymore.  I didn't have anything more to give.  I just took everything I had to get what little I did done.  By the time the kids went to bed I was so tired that I just went to bed and then got up and did it all over again.  Not having you just made everything so much harder.  I didn't have our phone calls to look forward to, I didn't have your visits to look forward to, I didn't have you at home to look forward to seeing in the summer...nothing!  I just wasn't me anymore and I'm still not me.  I'm not really sure that I will ever be that same person again. 

It feels like this year I have needed you more then I have ever needed you.  I have had some health things going on and we now have been dealing with some health things with Devin.  You would always be the first person I would call whenever something was wrong with the kids or me.  Now I don't have that, I don't have you to call.  You would have wanted to be the first phone call, you would have been hurt if your weren't the first phone call.  I have had to learn to do things differently and I don't like it.  I liked it the way it was.  I liked knowing that I had you there whenever I needed you.

Some days I feel like I'm a young kid again.....all I want to do is yell and scream and tell everyone that it's not fair!  It's not fair that you had to leave us!  It's not fair that we have to figure out a way to live the rest of our lives without you.  That I have to tell my kids stories about you and that they will never get to see you again. It's just not fair!  Isn't that what we say when we are kids?  Well I hear it all the time from my kids and I feel it right now.  I feel that I have been cheated!  Cheated out of many years with you, many years of watching you with my kids.  My kids have been cheated.  Cheated out of all the love that you could have gave them.  So, yes all I want to do is yell and scream and tell the world it's not fair!

I have this terrible guilt inside of me.  I feel so bad that you missed out on so much of the kids growing up.  I know how much you wanted to see them and wanted to be a part of their everyday life.  You wanted us home so bad.  Just seeing us for a few weeks during the summer just wasn't enough for you or for me.  My kids loved being home for the summer and they would always talk about how much fun they had once we got home.  I feel like I have cheated you now.  You would have loved to be at games, awards and so many other events.  I also feel bad that I didn't get your scrapbook done!  I had wanted to get that finished for you and I just didn't get it done!  It was so hard for me.  While trying to get it done I would spend so much time before hand crying  while picking out the pictures that it would just drain me.  By the time I would get a double page done I was just ready to be done!  So, again I'm sorry!  I wanted that to be done!  I'm still going to work on it, for me and for you.  I think it needs to be something that I can have done, so whenever the kids or I  am thinking about you we can just open up the book and look at all the pictures and read some of the captions.  Maybe during the Christmas holiday I'll get some done.  Maybe!  It's not an easy time right now!  I wish I was more like you.

As for how the kids are doing.........Devin is doing okay.  You know how he is, he doesn't really show that much emotion about when he is feeling sad.  I have talked to him about going to see a counselor.  I thought maybe that might help him deal with some of his issues.  I mean he lost you and Jenny this year.  That's a lot for anyone to have to handle.  He turned me down on this.  Ty is doing okay, I do think that this year he has been a little more aggressive.  He gets madder easier.  Is this because of you or is this the age?  I'm not sure.  It seemed to start at a funny time.  Emmie is doing okay now.  But at the start of all this she wasn't doing that great.  She was the one that would show more emotion then any of the others.  Maybe that's because shes a girl and it's easier for her, I'm not sure.  But she would go to bed at night and then cry and say she misses you or whenever she was down she would always miss you.  She would also see me upset and then in turn that would make her upset, so I started holding it in whenever she was around.  I know they miss you and think of you all the time, how can they not.  You were a very important person in their life.

This year has been so hard.  I walk around the house when I'm by myself and talk to you....maybe that makes me a little bit crazy, but that's all I got.  I think what made it even harder for me was not being around others who were going through the same thing.  I couldn't help them and they couldn't help me.  I know we could talk on the phone, but sometimes you just need to BE with people who understand and feel the same way.  That is why I started this blog.  I wanted to try and get out some of my feelings.....did it work?  Well, sort of.  I was able to explain how I was feeling on that day and then I was able to hear from others who were feeling the same way or those that were supporting me. 

I'm just wondering will the second year be any easier???  I think of you every day and I still can't imagine going the rest of my life without you.
I'm having trouble ending this letter.........The words just aren't coming out the way I want them. 

Mom.....I love you and miss you more then ever! 

Bullies......oh how I dislike them!

What is this world coming to?  Why are kids so mean?  I ask myself that question as I sit here thinking of my son.  My son who wouldn't hurt anyone, who would help anyone who needed help.  He might be a little shy about it, but he would help out if you asked him.  He is so kind and sweet.  Maybe that's just his Mom talking.  I think to myself what are these parents like?  I talk to my kids all the time about sticking up for the kids that are being picked on.  Don't let others do that and don't you do it! 

Here is what happened last night........

He comes down stairs and tells me that some kids in his class are throwing food at him.  I guess they have been doing it for a few days and he is just now telling me.  They do it when the teacher is not in the room where they are.  It just makes me so sad that kids are so mean.  I mean why Devin?  What does he do to deserve that kind of treatment? I know what he does....nothing!  No one deserves that!  He is a good kid, he does what the teacher tells him to do and that it, nothing more. 

Now the question is what do I do?  Do I just let the teacher take care of it?  Or should we do something?  So many kids now days are getting bullied at school and so many kids are getting away with it!  UGH!!!!  Why can't the school do more?  I think they should do more then they are doing. 

All I know is that my son does not deserve this kind of treatment from anyone. 

Sorry about being so mad in this post.

Call me CRAZY!

First of all I just want to say that every day is just getting harder!  It's like I'm living last year over again in my mind.  I remember what  I was doing on every single day.  Was I home?  Was I here freaking out?  What was I doing?  Well, I'm living it here over again!


I'm sure you all know that I'm a little bit wacky!! This might tell you a little about how wacky I'm! So, a few weeks ago I got this crazy idea in my head, I'm not really sure where it came from, but my Mom had made all of us girls these memory boxes a few years ago for Christmas.  And I thought maybe just maybe she put a secret letter in it!!!  YEAH!!  How fun would that be!  So, I hurried to my room and took it off the wall and looked for my secret letter....I just knew she did it!  Because I knew she knew she was sick, so why wouldn't she give us all a secret letter?  I looked for an opening and I looked for a way to get my secret letter.  I looked for about five minutes and come to find out.....no secret letter!!!!  No secret letter for me!

Happy Thanksgiving~ two posts today!

Okay if you were here you would have seen me just take a big deep breath.......this post for me isn't an easy one or this day.  It reminds me of my Mom.  But I guess everything reminds me of my Mom.

This day last year is etched in my brain.  I can still see my Mom sitting at her, oh gosh I can't think of the name of the thing that sits in the middle of her kitchen!!!  Well, anyways you know what I'm talking about if you have been to her house!  That is where she would always put on her make-up.  Teresa was coming over and she was going to wax her eyebrows, she was very excited about that.  She got it done and so did Barbara...then they started teasing me because I had never got it done, it was kind of fun to get teased again by her.  So, I got it done, didn't hurt. 

Mom also had wanted me to make pumpkin bars, I needed to make something and she wanted me to make those.  I always make those here so she wanted me to make them.  Of course I made them last night and all I could think about was her. 

Everyone wanted to help out and bring dishes.  If Mom had it her way she had told everyone that she was going to go to Thanksgiving dinner at whoever house it was at that year, but we knew she couldn't do it.  So, everyone brought a dish.  We had a ton of food!  Grandma was able to come and spend it with her and I know that is what she wanted to do. 

Mom stayed up through all the visitors and then by the time dinner was ready she as able to come sit out at the table.  It's hard to see her in my mind sitting there trying to look like herself.  We are all talking trying to make it look and feel normal when I know that for all of us it wasn't normal.  We just wanted her to be better, we wanted her to be Mom!  I know she would have wanted to be the one in the kitchen helping with the food set-up, not so much the clean up!  I know that whole day must have been hard for her.  It was hard for me!  I would have changed spots with her if I could have!

Then came the time of the day that I can't get out of my mind.......I see it all the time.  I see my Dad walking her to her room.  Her not looking good at all.  Was she just so tired from the busy day?  I don't know!  But that is a picture that stays with me. 

I didn't get to celebrate many holidays with her and it's kind of bitter sweet that I was home for that one.  I wouldn't have missed it for the world.  I just wish that we would have been home for all of them.  She would say it to me every time I would talk to her on the phone on the holidays, I wish you all were here.  It would be so nice to have you all home!  That is what she wanted!  She wanted us home...she wanted her grand kids home!  I wanted to be home!


PS.  I'm still bugged that I can't think of the name of the thing in her kitchen!!!!!!!!!!!!

Devin update~

I know I missed last week and I'm a day late at posting! It was just a busy day yesterday!  We took Devin to the doctor for his 4 year heart check up and all looked well on that check up.  It sure is hard to sit in that room as they are talking in doctor language and you just don't know what to think.  I mean does he have what Jason had or not.  So, when they said the all clear, my eyes did tear up!  Thats the 11:00 appt.  Now on to the 8:30......that one went as we thought it would.  He will need to have surgery.  I knew it was coming, but to hear the words, well it made me tear up again.  I didn't get to go in the room when they did the ultrasound, Tim went with.  We had the other kids, so I ended up staying with them!  I know bummer, but Tim was asking all the questions, so I just thought he should go in.  Turns out he has another stone and I guess it's pretty big and more stuff that is not being eliminated.  So, yes surgery is needed.  If he doesn't get the surgery, some day he could loss that kidney!  Not good!  Surgery is all set for the 20th of December.  He will have to stay in the hospital for 48 hours.  I'm okay with that, makes me feel better after a surgery.  They know what they are doing. 

He seems to be taking it okay so far.  But I'm sure as the day approaches he will have more worries, as will I!

Emotional Roller Coaster~

For the past eleven months I have been on this roller coaster, you could call it an emotional roller coaster if you will.  In the first place, I don't like roller coasters, they make me sick!  This one has kept me on it for a long time, never letting me off! 

This roller coaster pretty much started around this time last year.  I remember just sitting here waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for some type of news on my Mom.  Waiting to hear what we had to deal with, what we were going to do, what I was going to do.  I don't know how I made it through each day back then. 

Then the news finally came......Yes, it was cancer!  Now I had to come home.  I told Tim that day I need to go home NOW!  I'm sure he could hear it in my voice, I'm sure he could see it on my face.  I was scared!  My Mom needed me home, I needed to be with my Mom. 

I got to the hospital just in time to hear what the doctor had to say!  Not the news we wanted. I'm trying so hard not to cry, trying to be strong, that's what she was doing, I had to do it to.  I could cry later and I did.  I got up every day and went to the hospital and spent as much time with her as I could.  I loved every minute of it!  I didn't want to leave her, but I did and then got up and did it again the next day, just like so many other people did.  I stayed until after Thanksgiving.  But she wasn't well, she wasn't herself.  I still remember her walking to bed and needing help...it just hurt me so much to see her like that.  Now that is what I see when I think of Thanksgiving this year.  I can't get her out of my mind, not that I want to, but that is my last holiday with her.  That is also when she would usually come and visit us. 

Now leaving her was not easy.  We thought we had more time, but yet I still didn't want to go.  But I had the kids at home and I had to get them through Christmas and then we were all going to come back.  She was going to get to see them all.  She was so happy with the news.  But that's not how the story would go...............

This roller coaster just keeps me on it...it's a never ending ride.......maybe one day I will have more ups then downs!

The Mummy and the Cowgirl!

Cowgirl Emmie

Mummy Ty

Devin, Ty and Emmie

I just love her face in this picture...that is why I had to add it!



I love the back picture of the kids...always have to take one!

 Here we are again! Another Halloween come and gone!  This one was a little bit different then last year.  To begin with......this day last year reminds me of the start of us all really knowing that Mom was sick and not just sick but SICK!  From here on out it's all a big reminder of what we all went through.  Just thinking about what was going on in my Mom's mind at this time last year just hurts my heart so much.  I know she was scared and just really not understanding what was going on.  We were scared, so I'm sure she was scared. 

My Mom bought Emmie this little cowgirl outfit a couple summers ago.  I didn't have her wear it last year because Ty was Batman, which my Mom bought that costume for him, and I wanted Emmie to be Batgirl!  I thought that would be cute.  I think she might have been a little disappointed that Emmie didn't wear the cowgirl costume that year.  I could tell it in her voice when she asked what she was going to be.  But I'm so glad that she had that for this year!  It was just so nice to see her in it and know that Mom got it for her...kind of like a last gift for her.  It was just such a bitter sweet Halloween this year.  Someday she will realize what a gift this was and how important it was to me that she wore it this year.

Someone Special~

Today I'm changing it up......

I have been thinking of something or should I say someone for a long time, but I just didn't know if I should write about it.  Why you ask?  Well I guess it's not really my story to tell, but after thinking about it, I guess I'm not really telling their story I'm just telling you how I feel about this person.  This person is not only important to me but also important to my Mom and really to my whole family.

I have known her for a very long time, my whole life in fact.  I'm sure she has seen me at my worse and maybe at my best.  But she has always been there whenever I needed her, whenever we needed her.  She is one of those people that is always there for anyone that needs her.  You just don't find many people like that. 

She loved my Mom.  She misses my Mom.  We all miss my Mom, but I think she is having a really hard time with it all.  The crazy thing is she is now fighting the same crazy disease that took my Mom!  I hate that she has to go through all of this.  I know in my heart that it's going to be different this time.  Lyndsey said something the other day and it kind of made me think.  She said that maybe Mom had to go, so that she could save Barbara.  That sounds like something Mom would do.

So, now you know who I'm talking about.....but I'm sure you already knew!

Let me tell you a little more about her and the things she does.

While she is dealing with all her issues she still calls me to find out how my son is doing.  She has all her stuff to worry about, but here she is still thinking about Devin and me.  She will call me, when I should be the one calling her.  She just sent me a card telling me she was thinking about me.  This lady never stops thinking of others!  She has always done such wonderful things not only for my family but for everyone.  She always made sure that when we came home for the summer she would have a BBQ for us.  She would even send us off with a bag full of goodies!  She always makes the best goodies!  Devin loves her rice krispie treats! 

I wish that I was home.  I want to be home and help out in any way that I can, but I'm not home.  I'm here and everyone is there!  It seems like whenever this family needs me I'm not where I need to be!  I know you all can get along without me, but can I get along without you? 

I could go on and on about her...but I'm sure you all know just as well as I do what she is like and how she never stops.

I'm just so glad that my Mom and her were so close and we got to spend so much time with her and her family. 

You are Someone Special to so many~

Almost Over~

October is almost over...that means that Breast Cancer Awarness month is almost over and I'm not real happy to see it go!  I kind of like seeing all the pink in the stores.  I kind of like knowing that some of what I'm buying is going to a good cause.  I mean it does bring back lots of painful memories of last year and what we all went through, but for our family we need to have this month!  We need to know that people are looking and working to find a CURE!  A cure for this terrible disease that affects so many! 

I often think of my Mom and I wonder what was going on in her mind those last few years.  I'm not mad at her, I'm just puzzled.  I'm just not understanding what she was thinking.  I wish she could tell me why.  I know she didn't want this.  I know she wouldn't have chosen this path, this path with all of us here and her there.  I know that if she would have seen how many people are still hurting just a few months short of a year.  How her death has left us....we are all kind of living, but not living.  I guess that's kind of what I'm doing.  I'm here, but I'm not.  Would she have changed anything?  I'm not sure...I would hope so.   I know she was scared, we all are.  But she would have had everyone by her side.  Everyone!  We know that.  Our family is so good when the going gets tough.  They might not always be around, but you can sure count on them when someone is down and in need.  That is what they do.  That is what we can count on!  I have seen it done with my own eyes a time or two.

So many un-answered questions.  I wish I had one more day with her, but would I ask those questions or would I just take the time and spend it with her?  I think you all know the answer just as I do!

Our Journey part two~

After thinking about my last post I thought that I would tell you about how my journey started and it started with my Mom right by my side.

Once my Mom found out that we were going to be moving to of all places Arkansas she was not happy!  But finally after coming to terms with it she made up her mind that she would be making the trip with us.  She would be helping us move across the country, over 2,500 miles away from everything that we were familiar with.  She wanted to be the one to see where we were going to live.  She wasn't going to let me do this by myself, well I wasn't by myself I had Tim and the boys, but I still needed my Mom, don't we always need our Mom's?  Well I did and I still do. 

We started our journey....Tim was in the big moving truck and we were in Tim's truck.  We were talking about some things on the way up and one of the things was that Grandma had told my Mom that we needed to be careful at rest stops and not get murdered...I know kind of funny, but on our first stop at a rest stop a lady said something to us and we both thought she said "Are there any murderers?"  We looked at each other and thought what?  Turn's out that wasn't what she asked us, but it was funny, I guess you had to be there, but it was kind of a funny thing to talk about later on during the trip. 

She ended doing most of the driving...I did do some.  But she did a lot and helped us out so much.  It was so nice to have her with us.  I don't think it would have been an easy drive without her.  Ty was just 3 months old and needed lots of attention. 

By the time we arrived in Magnolia we were ready to be there!  Ready to stop driving!  Ready to see what I had gotten myself into!  Ready to see this little town and the house that I would be living in.  The house was good....it was big, bigger then the house we have now.  What I wouldn't do for that house now!  It had four bedrooms that were pretty good size and a nice big front room.  The kitchen wasn't that big, but bigger then the one I have now.  Mom liked the house.  The town.........hmmmmm.....the town was small.  Not much to do.  She wasn't as impressed with the town, but then neither was I. 

She got to stay for another week, helping us get things moved in and trying to get some things unpacked.  I have some pictures of this and I wish that I could put them on here...maybe I can scrapbook them and then add them, that might work. 

Then came the dreaded day....the day she had to leave.  We had to drive her to Shreveport and that was the longest drive, not as long as the drive back.  It was so hard telling her goodbye and then having to watch her say goodbye to Devin and Ty.  Devin who she had such a strong bond to and Ty who was just a baby who she was just getting to know.  Now she had to say goodbye and we didn't know when we would see her again.  We were so used to seeing her almost every day.  But now we had no family, no one to go to if we needed something.  We were on our own!!  That was scary!  Devin and I cried the whole way home, an hour and a half. Then when we did get home I went into Devin's room where she had spent so much time and just sat and cried! 

Every day since this journey has began my Mom has always been the one that I would call when I needed  to feel like I was at  HOME! 

Our Journey~

I have been thinking about this post for awhile now and I'm hoping that it will come out the way I want it to.  I might complain a little and I might be feeling a little bit sorry for myself....so if you don't want to hear all that then I guess you better stop reading this now!  :) 

We started this journey a long time ago, in the year 2000.  I thought that it was only going to be a short journey.  I thought it was going to be a two year journey away from home and then we were going to be back, but that is not the case.  We have now been gone over ten years!  TEN long years!  We have added a child to the mix, after taking a baby with us and a young child.  No one got to see Devin grow into a young man, no one got to see Ty grow into a young boy, no one got to see Emmie grow into a young little girl.  None of that.  Everyone missed all of their firsts....everything about them was missed.  Only one person got to hold Emmie the day she was born, other then Tim and I and the boys, my Mom.  That isn't how it is supposed to be.  We should have had a room full of people waiting to hold my baby girl, but we didn't.  But I was glad my Mom was there, but I wished that we were home for that wonderful event in our life. 

Now lets get to what we are missing out on by not being home!  We missed out on some births that we would have wanted to be home for!  We would have loved to hold the newborns of many babies in the family.  We miss out on all the birthday parties, my kids wouldn't know what to do if they got to go to as many birthday parties that our family has.  They would love it!  We miss out on all the family holiday stuff, granted they may be a bit hectic, but I would love it.  For us they are a little bit boring.  I try and think of things to do with the kids, but I'm so busy cooking and cleaning, by the time I get done with that I'm ready to sit down. Doing the whole Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner by yourself isn't so much fun, yes Tim will help out, but I do end up doing most of it.  What I really miss is the day to day family things.  I would love to go to baseball/softball games or any other sport that our family members our playing.  We love to do those simple kinds of things.  Just being around family is what we, well what I like.  I miss just going out to lunch and having a girls night.  I would love to do that!  I Don't get that here.  I don't do anything that doesn't involve the kids or Tim.  I know some of it might be my fault, but I have been so wrapped up in their world for so long that it's hard to get out of it and be in my own world, plus I really don't have any one to do anything with!  Again my fault! 

We have been gone so long that sometimes I feel like we are kind of the black sheep of the families!  We don't get many calls anymore and when we are home we don't know all the inside jokes or the happenings.  I kind of feel like I'm on the outside of a circle looking in and now I feel like it's only going to get worse with my Mom being gone.  I feel like I'm lost.

I'm not really sure when our journey will take us back home, I'm hoping it will be soon.  It has taken a lot out of me and I don't feel like I'm the same person that left that summer day. 

Devin's Surgery~

This is a picture of Devin before his surgery.  It was a little sad that day.  As soon as the nurse left and he got in the bed to wait a little tear came out of his eye.....he was so scared.  I don't blame him, I was scared also when I had my surgery.  But for a kid, it's more of the unknown.  They really don't know what to expect.  They don't know what is going to happen. 

He wanted me to get a picture of these cute little socks that they had him wear. 

He looks pretty scared in all of these pictures.  But as we were waiting for everything.....in my mind I kept thinking that as the end of the bed he had other people waiting along with me.  He had two other Grandma's and his Dad.  They were not going to let him go in without them!  The surgery went well and he is now doing great!  These last few days he hasn't had to take any pain medication.  That makes him feel much better and me also.  We are just waiting to hear from the doctor on the other thing they found, but it looks like it will be fine as long as he is feeling fine. 

Happy Birthday Mom~

Today my Mom would have been 61~

She should be here today getting my morning phone call telling her Happy Birthday.  But she's not here!

  This whole month brings back lots of memories of last year.  This is when it all seemed to start.  This is when she started telling us she wasn't feeling well.  She said she just had a "flu bug" that was going around.  Well, her "flu bug" never got better.  I remember talking to her and she just didn't sound good.  She didn't sound like Mom.  She didn't do the things she usually did.  She seemed to be getting worse and worse.  It was Halloween and she still wasn't feeling good.  It was so hard for me to deal with my day to day stuff around here because I was so worried about her even then, but she kept telling me she was fine and it was just that darn "flu bug" that just kept coming back!  What could I do??  What could anybody do?  Everyone told her to go to the doctor, but she had to make the choice to go and when she did that is when all hell broke loose! 

I wish that I was home so that I could give her flowers.  I know that she will have plenty of them, but I just want to be able to do that for her. She loved doing that and always made sure everyone had flowers. I'm not sure when I will be able to give her flowers.  I know the first time I go it will be very emotional for me, but it is something I need to do....want to do.

Happy birthday Mom~

Here are a few new pictures of the kids.  I have been slacking on putting some new ones up!  This first one is of Devin in his Chef jacket!  I need to get one of him in full uniform.  He is really enjoying this class.  Maybe soon he will be cooking dinner for the family!!  That would be nice!  He made fudge on Friday....but some how it never made it home!  

 Here is Emmie in a cute little skirt that Lyndsey got her.  I of course forgot what it's called!  Isn't it the cutest thing ever!!!  I just love the colors!  She wore it for for three straight days!  She loves to put it on as soon as she gets home from school!  I need to get her some little pants to go under it now that the weather is getting a little cooler...then she could wear it to school!  Then there is Ty!!  I still  have not got a picture of him in his fall ball uniform!!  I know bad Mom!!  He only has one more game left.  I will have to get one next week. 

The Things She Loved~

Okay, I guess I better say I'm sorry for not posting last week!  SORRY!!!  No excuses....just had a bad week and couldn't put it into words.  

Tomorrow Devin will go in for his surgery on his kidney.  I know it's not a BIG surgery...but to me it's a big deal!  They will be putting him under and I have just been needing my Mom yet again.  I guess you could say I'm a needy person.  I have always needed her when it came down to my kids when they were sick or just anything about them.  I would have called her the minute I got home from the doctors office to tell her the news and she would have been worried about it, but also glad that they were getting things done and not messing around and waiting. 


The Things She Loved

Going to garage sales with Grandma and Antique Stores on Fridays
Her Grandkids
Monday night pool
Making something out of nothing (examples are all over her house)
Screen doors
Angels
Cheetos
Red licorice
Making her house look pretty
Mexican Food with Beer
Shopping
Antique magazines

I could go on and on....but I think these were some of her favorite things!  She really enjoyed her Fridays with Grandma.  She would save her money for that very day so they could go shopping and then go get a little lunch.  That day was very important to her...she didn't want to miss it.  Even when I was in town she would still make sure and go with Grandma. 

Sorry~

Today I don't want to bother you with all my feelings, when I know that other people have bigger issues then I do.  I'm sure you get tired of hearing me complain about how I'm still trying to get over everything.  I know when I first started my Wednesday blogging I wanted it to be about my Mom and stories about her and some days I find myself telling you more about me then her.  Sorry.....I think I just get a bit carried away sometimes and my mind tends to go places that I really didn't expect it to go and then it's done and the blog is posted and then I go back and look at it and think to myself, well that isn't what I really set out to write about.  So, today I'll try and write a little story about my Mom.

But first of all I do want to say something..................................................................

I HATE BREAST CANCER!!!!  There said it!  I mean I don't like any cancer, but right now Breast cancer is at the top of my list! 

Okay! That makes me feel a little better, not much, but a little!  Sometimes you just need to say it.

When Mom came home from the hospital the first time I could tell she was a little nervous.  She was going to be sleeping out in the front room.  I asked her if she would like for me to sleep out there with her, she said no you don't need to do that.  I said I will if you want me to , just let me know.  A few hours later after everyone had left, she finally asked if I would sleep out there with her.  I know that it must have been hard for her to ask that, but I didn't mind one bit.  I wanted to be there if she needed anything, I wanted her to feel safe.  She did wake me up a few times to get her water or to help her get up to go to the bathroom or just to talk.  I would have stayed up all night if that is what she would have wanted me to do. 

As the days went by and she seemed to be getting a little worse, she was having a hard time breathing, she was awake more and more at night.  She would watch some TV, Desperate Housewives and talk some, but she didn't really say much.  How I wish in those hours that we would have talked.  I had so many hours with her, so many hours to tell her how I felt.  But at that time we were still fighting this!  She was still fighting this.  She never gave up hope!  Up until her last breath she was a fighter.  She never wanted to give up. 

She fought this crazy thing as best she could.  I know that if we would have found it earlier she would be here.  Because she is a fighter and she would have fought this.  That is what I know for sure....she would be here with me and the rest of my family.  She would be her to help us all deal with our issues and help others fight!  We will win this fight.....for her we will win!  We have to!

The truth~

I'm late!!!!!  I'm sorry that I'm late at posting today! I usually like to post in the am, but Tim was home today and I just can't get much done when he is here. 

Today I'm going to tell you the TRUTH!!!!  The truth about how I'm doing and what I have been doing!! 

First of all if any of you have been counting the months like I have then you know that it's been nine months!  Nine months!  Nine months since my Mom has been gone.  Nine months since I last heard her voice.  Nine long months of grieving and needing her more then ever.  Nine months of putting all the pain that I feel way down deep and saying that I'm okay, when I'm not okay.  When really all I want to do is curl up in my bed and just cry! Not just for me, but for everyone.

 I think that I hide what I'm feeling from everyone else.  I want them to think that I'm okay, that I'm getting over this.  Don't get me wrong, I do have my good days and my bad days.  But it's during the day when the kids are at school and I'm here by myself and you would think that I would be getting lots of things done, but I don't!  I don't do anything.  You would think that my house would be as clean as a whistle, what is stopping it from being clean?  I have all day to clean, but nope I sit and I  find other things to do, things to keep my mind busy, so I can't think.  A couple of weeks ago, now this is embarrassing, I cleaned the bathrooms, and Emmie says to me, "Who is coming to visit?"  Like that is the only reason that I would be cleaning the bathrooms!  Now don't be thinking my house is a big mess....it's picked up...it's just not clean like it used to be!  You would also think that with all this time on my hands I would be either working on cards or working on scrapbooks!  I need to get my Moms done before the end of the year, but nope.  What I do is sit here on the computer and watch silly reality shows, you know the good ones on MTV!  Just so I don't have to think about my reality!  I think that is why I do it, I don't want to think about me and my problems. I just can't do it.  I don't want to do it.  I want to go into someones else's world for awhile.  But in the end I have to come back to reality...my reality. 

So, the truth is that I'm sad~

Today it's my Birthday~

Today is my birthday...........................My first one without my Mom.  Isn't it crazy that is how I think of everything now?  Everything is a first.  Kind of like when you have kids.  They have all these firsts...now I'm having all these firsts and these firsts aren't good ones.  I knew that this day was coming and I knew that it wasn't going to be easy.  I know it's still early and I have a long day ahead of me, a long day to think of her and to think of what it would be like if she was still here. 

First of all it's a Monday and I would have already got the call from her. 

My day today has already started with a heavy reminder of why she isn't here.  I had to go in for my 6 month Mammogram this morning and also had the ultrasound done.  Would I have had that done today if she would have been here?

 The results where that I have a complex cyst, I also I have some other cysts that are normal.  The lady doing the ultrasound today was very nice and explained everything to me. She told me that you can see through the other cysts, but you can't see through the complex ones.  They are kind of mushy inside or bloody.  I know kind of not great words, but that is what she said.  I have to go back in for another mammogram and ultrasound only on my right breast in another 6 months and if it has grown any more they will want to stick a needle in it!  YIKES!!  I guess they like to keep an eye on those type of cysts and also because of the breast cancer in the family they are also keeping a closer eye on things.  I guess that's a good thing. 

These next few months are going to be hard.  We are all going to be going through our firsts.  All of my sisters with our birthday's all so close.  And then the big one.....My Moms birthday! 

One more time~

First of all I'm sorry for not posting last week.  My mind was on other things and I just couldn't do it.  I did try, but it just wasn't coming out the way I wanted it to. Hopefully you will be able to forgive me....I think it's harder on me when I don't post, I feel bad.  I feel like I'm doing an injustice to my Mom for not blogging about her.

Okay enough about that.....

Today I went to the library...I know I went again.  You must think is that all I do.  Well to be honest with you, I do read a lot and I do it to try and forget.  Does it work?  No, not really, but it does take the pain away for awhile.  It makes me think I'm somewhere else, maybe in a perfect world where they don't have any problems.  So, today after getting a few normal books, I go walking in a different section, I don't know why, just trying to see something different I guess.  I'm in the biography section and I just happen to come across a book about a lady with breast cancer.  I know you are thinking don't pick it up!  Don't bring it home!  I'm thinking the same thing!  I of course take it off the shelf and take a good look at it and think to myself...do you really want to read it?  I think to myself what can it hurt...I can always use a good cry.  So, I go ahead and get it.  I do have to tell you that I read it all today.  It wasn't a big book, but it was good.  It did make me think of my Mom, but the story wasn't the same.  I mean the lady did have Breast cancer, but she found it early and was able to have it taken care of, not without a fight.  The only thing that I wished for is that we would have found my Mom's early.  How different our my world would be today!!

While reading I remembered a time in the hospital when she was feeling good.  She wanted to go for a walk.  I think that there was about five of us with her that night.  We walked the halls for about 20 minutes or so and she loved it.  She was using a walker, but she was up and walking, something she hadn't been able to do in a long time.  I was so glad that I was able to be there and share that moment with her.  We were all worried that she was going to wear herself out, but she didn't want to go back to her room.  She wanted to see where everyone would wait to see her when she had a room full of people.  She always had so many people waiting to see her. It was like you had to take a number to get in to see her.  Some days I wish I could go back to those days when she was in the hospital.  Those days when she was feeling so good.  I remember one night when it was just Lanette, Leah, Lyndsey and me there.  Everyone had left and she was just sitting in her bed and we were all just talking and she was flipping through her magazines and then she wanted us to clean up her room a bit.  She didn't like it to be messy.  It was kinda nice to have it just be us for a little bit.  What I wouldn't do for another night like that.  What I wouldn't do to walk those hospital halls again with her.  What I wouldn't do to hear her voice just one more time. 

Those she left behind~

My Dad~

Who I know is missing her so much. His life has been turned upside down. Nothing is the same for him. His daily routine has changed, from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed, nothing is the way it was, or the way it is supposed to be. Seeing him with her while she was in the hospital made me see him in a new light. He was so good to her, so sweet with her. I'm sure it was so hard for him to have to deal with all that and now to deal with her gone and to deal with the every day life without her.


Her Mother, my Grandma~

What Mother thinks that in her lifetime she will have to say goodbye to two of her daughters? I'm sure for Grandma that thought never came to her mind. Both of them meant so much to her. I know how close my Mom was to my Grandma and I know that it must have broke my Moms heart to have to leave her. I know that she must have been thinking...who is going to take over for me? Who is going to take her out on Fridays? I know that for Grandma she must be hurting so much, missing her so much.

Barbara, her sister~

They were not only sisters, they were really great friends, Best friends! They did a lot together. What didn't they do together! They worked together, vacationed together, shared many great times together. During the summer months they were either at each others house on each others porches enjoying the outside, doing what they enjoyed, having a few beer's, having dinner, enjoying each others company. That is what true friendship is. The greatest thing about their relationship is that my Mom left Barbara here for us. She is here when we need her. I'm so grateful for her and thankful that I know if I ever need anything, she is here for me and my family.

Her Grandkids~

Can I even begin to explain what these kids will miss out on? No, I don't think that I can. I know that each of them are dealing with this loss in their own way. It's hard to lose your Grandma and to lose her so fast. For my youngest two they didn't get the chance to tell her goodbye. They didn't see her when she was so sick and in the hospital, maybe that's good, I don't know. All I know is that they are all missing out. They are all missing out on one of the most thoughtful, loving, kind hearted and giving Grandmas. They were all so very lucky to have had her in their life, I just wish that they could have had her for many more years. She was always thinking of them. I know that it must of hurt her so to know that she was leaving them behind.

Her Daughters~ Lanette, Leah, Lyndsey and Me~

Now this is where it gets tricky! All of us girls are dealing with this in our own way. I'm dealing with my loss by blogging and trying to get by day to day. Is it working? No, not really, but I'm trying. I don't think that I will ever get over her being gone. I can't seem to get over the fact that the phone will not ring, that she won't make that Monday morning call. I still to this day walk into my house and look at the machine to see if there is a message from her when I have been out in the morning. She was the only one that would call me that early in the morning, I knew if it was blinking that it was her. I do have to tell you that I'm jealous of the fact that everyone else got to see her and sometimes I can only talk about our phone calls. I know that we got to talk about a lot and got to share somethings that maybe we wouldn't have shared by talking so much...but I think that I missed out. I really wish that I could have seen her more, had more memories of her, more memories of her with the kids. It just depresses me so much that I don't have that. I know that we were all lucky to have had her for as long as we did, but it just wasn't long enough for me. I know that my sisters miss her just as much as I do and what makes this harder for me is that I'm here and they are there.



Mom....you are missed more then you would have ever guessed~

Disappear~

Do you ever just want to disappear? Well, I do and when I do I seem to go into books. I have been doing that since my Mom passed away. I have been reading a lot, trying to forget, trying to get my mind to think of something else. Does it work? Maybe for awhile, but as soon as I put the book down it comes back in full force.

The reason I'm bringing this up is because yesterday I went to the local library to get some books and I went to the new book section first and picked up a author that I have read before and just looked at the inside cover and it looked like something I would enjoy.

Jane Green is her name and the book is Called "Promises to Keep".It's a fiction book, doesn't say anything about it being about cancer, I thought it was going to be a good old book about romance. I started reading it and got into it and before you know it she is a Breast Cancer Survivor...I'm thinking that's good, but as the story continues....and everything is just going along way good....it hits!!! She is sick again! In the hospital and everything is just like my Mom. I can not put the book down as tears are running down my face. From the way she is drinking from a cup with a straw and everyone is having to help her. The way everyone is feeling and the way she is not giving up. It's all to real, all to familiar! For the last half of the book if I don't have tears running down my face I have a big lump in my throat. It was hard to read, but I had to finish it.

If you ever feel like crying over a good book...this is a good one for that very purpose.

The things she says~

Here we are again today........

Today I'm having a hard time getting started. I had something that I wanted to write about this morning and I still will, but I first of all wanted to write a little thing about family. It's come to my attention that I was taken off a certain members Facebook friend list because of some things that have been going on at home. I'm a little taken back that I was taken off, being that I just got put back on! I'm also taken back because that is the only way this one family member would ever know anything about me or my family or see any pictures of my kids being that we live over 2,ooo miles away. I guess that doesn't matter to this said family member. What can I say? I of course am a little upset that my family has no meaning to them. Do I just let it go and do nothing....or do I say something? I'm usually not the person to do anything about things and just let them solve them self, but life is too short to let things go by. I would think that after everything that has happened to our family that this person would understand that family is family. I have had a hard time this morning thinking of a way to solve this problem and trying to figure out a way around it.


The things she says~

It amazes me what my Little girl knows and understands. The other day we went and got her a couple of new earrings, she has got to the eight week mark and is now able to change her earrings. She was very happy about that. So, we of course were in Claire's for a little while, can you see it, Ty and Devin in Claire's with a bunch of girls??? It was funny, they really just wanted to wait outside! Anyways.....Emmie had to see everything! Had to pick the very cutest pair! Finally Tim told her to hurry up and pick the ones she wanted, we could have been there for another hour if she had her way! She got 3 pairs, a green turtle pair, a cupcake pair and some pink little cross's. Later that night she came home and told Tim that she got the cross's for Grandma Debbi. When Tim told me that it brought tears to my eyes.

Yesterday Emmie was in her room for a long time. I thought she was with Ty watching TV, but come to find out she was in her room drawing a picture. She showed me the picture and she says it's a picture of you, me and Grandma Debbi and she wrote on the top of it, " I love my Mom and Grandma." Okay, again with the tears. Will they ever stop?

I know now that she is thinking about her, more then I know. She is the one that talks about her, more then the boys. She is the one that sees me and notices it when I'm upset and will make a point to come over and give me a hug. She tells me all the time how much she misses Grandma Debbi. I think girls just can get their feeling's out a little bit better then the boys can.

I can't wait to see what she says next~

The Question

The question was asked from Lyndsey's blog and she asked, " If you could talk to them, them meaning the person that you lost, what would you say to them?" Hmm, that question kind of took me by surprise. What would I say to my Mom? Like Lyndsey said in her blog we weren't the I love you kind of family, but knowing what I do now I still think that I would have told her that I loved her very much and that my life will never be the same without her. But after thinking about it a lot last night I know now what I would have told her.

I would have started it off by telling her that I'm sorry! I'm sorry for living so far away, even though she new that I hated every minute that I was away from every one. She new that this wasn't where I really wanted to be. I wanted to have my family home where we could be around our families. I'm sorry that she didn't get a chance to see her grandchildren grow up. I'm sorry that we missed all the family dinners and holidays. I'm sorry that she only got to see us every other summer. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most!

All she ever wanted was for us to be home. That would have made her so happy. I know that she really enjoyed it when we were all together, when we were all home! She loved doing things for the kids and would remember everything. They were never far from her mind, she would go to garage sales and buy things for them and send them just because, no reason. Just because she knew that they would enjoy it or that they liked it. She knew them inside and out. The kids would get so excited when they knew I was talking to her on the phone and would just sit there and bug me to talk. Did she know how much she meant to all of us? I wonder if she really knew that. Did she know that her not being her would turn our world upside down? Did she know that she is the one that made this family a family? I hope so.......I just hope she left this world knowing how important she was to so many people.

I would have told her how sorry I'm and how important she was to so many people. She was not only a Mother to me but also my friend.

I do remember when I got to the Ray Hickey House that first night and my Dad telling her........"Your girls are all here now." And she smiled!

Changes~

Today the kids went back to school. Last year at this time I was most likely talking to my Mom telling her about the kids and how the morning went, but this year it's different and from here on out it will be different. I won't get to tell her what outfit they had on and how their first day went. How excited they were or maybe how they weren't excited. It's just changed.....


I was filling out the kids forms for school. We have to fill them out every year and I always put my Mom down as the emergency contact. We don't know anyone here that we can really put down, so I always put her down. She was most likely home and I knew that they would either get a hold of Tim or I so I really didn't need to worry about it, so I always just put her down. But this year I couldn't put her down! That was another change! Oh, how I'm not liking changes!!!


I know how we go through many changes in our life, but it seems like in this last (one day short) eight months I have gone through so many changes. Some I never expected to go through at this time and some that I really have grown to dislike.

My kids on their first day of school! How I wish my Mom could see them. Look how much they have grown in just a year. All the changes that they have went through! I'm so mad that she had to die. I just can't even imagine these kids growing up without her. How will I explain to them what a wonderful Grandma she was? Will they remember her? I know that Devin will, but what about Emmie? She is so young! I can only tell them and show them so much. I just hope that one day they will know how important she was not only to me, but to them.

Her Dreams~

Today I thought I would do something a little different. I always write about how I'm feeling...so today I thought I would write about what she was feeling and what she wanted to do....more or less her dream~

I'm sure you all know what she loved doing.....decorating. She could make something out of nothing. Now don't we all wish we had that talent. I look at my blank wall....yes I still have a blank wall in my house after living in it for over five years...and I know that she would have had that filled up in less then two days if this was her house. She could do anything. Yes, she sometimes may have put up a little too much, but she made it look good. No, we could never do that, but she could. She could look at something in a stack of things and know what would look good together, but me......that just doesn't happen. I look at it and I get nothing! That's why when I lived at home I would always call her up when it came time to do all that and I think she liked it. I think she enjoyed it that everyone needed her help and guidance in that area. It is hard being so far away and not having that...that is why my wall is still blank.....I didn't have her here to help me.

On to her dream. Her and I had talked about it in the last few years that she would like to have her own Antique shop. She loved going to them and she loved talking to the ladies that ran them. Grandma and Mom just looked forward to their Friday's were they would visit them and then on the the garage sales. Where of course Mom found everything good! The ladies that she met just loved her and Grandma. I went with them on a few Fridays when I was in town and it was fun to see her light up when she doing what she loved to do. She would also tell me about her projects that she was working on or her ideas. I loved hearing about them and I knew that if anyone could do it, she could have.

I wish that she could have made her dream come true, but if you think about it...in a way she did. She had her very own Antique shop in her house. It is her, it's just the way she wanted it. When I was home, after she passed away, I wanted to take a picture of everything. I was so scared that maybe something might change before I come back again and I don't want that. I want it to stay the same, just like she left it, the way she wanted it. Her stuff that she bought and thought about. She picked everything out and made it to her liking. It was her. It's all we have left, besides our memories. It's a place that we can go and remember her and know that this place is her....her home! Her Dream~

I did it!

I did it! I finally made it through my Moms phone message! Well, I kind of did it for the blog and because I have been so scared that something might happen to the message! I have been scared that maybe it might get erased by accident! So, I have been thinking how can I preserve it?

Then it came to me! I can put it on my blog! Then maybe you all can listen to it also when you want to hear her voice. She is just talking about her doctors appointment and for me not to worry, I know me not worry! That wasn't going to happen! I also just put up a picture of her while taping her voice...not the best work, but what can you expect from an amateur like me!

Anyways here goes..........................

My hands were shaking a bit and a few tears were shed while making this very short video! Again it's not the best...but at least we get to hear her voice!

Grief and what we make of it~

Thinking back to when I lost Jason and how I dealt with this thing called grief, I think I dealt with it a lot better then I'm dealing with the loss of my Mom. Now that doesn't mean that I didn't love Jason as much as I love my Mom. I think it has to do with where I'm at in my life and who I'm now.

Back then I had a huge support system. For at least the first 8 months I don't think that I was ever home alone at night. I always had company. I think someone must have talked to someone and made sure that I always had someone over or that I was somewhere. Just not at home by myself for a long period of time. I mean I did have my alone time where I could do what I needed to do to grieve. That was at night when everything was quiet, when Devin was in bed for the night and I could let my guard down and let it out. I could cry myself to sleep. Devin didn't see me...no one saw me. I would hide in my own little world and not let anyone see how much I was hurting inside, even though I'm sure they all knew, how couldn't I be hurting? I just lost my husband!

Now I'm grieving again! The loss of my Mom! You would think this would be something that I'm familiar with, that I can do this! I have done this before and I can do it again! But it just isn't as easy this time. You see...I don't have this huge support system here in Kentucky! I live over 2,000 miles away and it just isn't working like it worked the last time! I have Tim and the kids, but I don't really let them see that side of me. I don't want to upset the kids and let them see me cry or down. Second of all, I don't have my Mom to help me. She was there to help me with it the last time and now she isn't here to help me!

Maybe I'm just being a little spoiled be needing more! Maybe I should be handling things better then I should. Sometimes I want to yell and scream at the world that it's just not fair. Why did she have to die! I know we all have to die sometime, but why now? She had so many things to live for. She had so many people that needed her and loved her. She made so many people happy by just being with her.

I know lots of people are going through the same thing I'm. And I know that I miss her more each day.

Jason and Mom at pizza for my Birthday

THE BIG GAME!

Today is the day.......THE BIG GAME!!! Mariner's vs Dodgers!

Devin loves this day! He can't wait for the draw of the teams, the excitement of the game! I have to admit it is pretty fun. I have missed a few and I'll be missing this one this year and I'm wishing that I was there today! Things have changed a little since last year.

First of all it changed places this year. It was in the works before everything happened with my Mom. We were at Riley's birthday party last year and something got mentioned about the field behind Lanette's and Jim's house and everyone thought it would be a great place for the field. Jim could mow it down to look like a real field. We said or someone said, that's a great idea!

Second of all my Mom will not be there. She didn't play but she did everything else. She couldn't wait for the day also....she did it for Devin. She knew how much it meant to him. Even though it meant lots of work for her. We would have team pictures and everything that went along with a real baseball game. We even had Riley sing the National Anthem. Now she is a great singer! Of course we couldn't forget the seventh inning stretch! Then when the game was done we would eat! YUM! My Dad would make something really good. Last year he smoked some pork loins! They were so good!!!

So, here I sit today wishing that I was there getting ready for THE BIG GAME!

Emmie Laine's 6th Birthday~

My girl turned 6! I can't believe that! Wow, does time sure go by fast. I can still remember the day she was born like it was yesterday! We got to pick the day she was born because we were on the move to Kentucky! She is our only Arkansas baby! I'm not sure how she will feel about that when she gets older, but what can you do! She is mostly a Kentucky girl! She has been here since she was two weeks old! I guess we picked a good day...she shares her birthday with her cousin Josh. I think when they get older they will enjoy that they share a very special day together. Hopefully we will be living closer to home and we will be able to celebrate them together! Here she is opening a few of her gifts! We got her a scooter this year. She had a three wheeler one and it was way too small for her and lets not forget that she wants to be just like the boys and needs to go as fast as they do. But at least it's pink! :) She got a DS game and a Hello Kitty purse from Grandpa Steve and Grandma Bettie! She loves that! She also got some clothes and a cute Barbie from Lyndsey and Family! Then the cards came!!! WOW!! That girl got some money to spend! Thanks Mindy and Family, Kelly and Family, Pa , Grandma Thompson, and Missy. She also got a gift card to Target( one of our favorite stores) from Lanette and family! She had lots of fun going shopping! Thank you everyone for all the nice gifts! She loved everything and had lots of fun shopping!

Now it's time to blow out the candles! 6!!!!! Again I can't believe that she is 6 and will be in first grade this year! Can we make time slow down just a little? I didn't think so! Oh well, it's fun watching her grow up into a little girl, she isn't a baby anymore!

I love you Emmie Laine!

Memories~

These last few days all I have been thinking about is my Mom and reliving everything that happened. I think, well I know it's because my mind has also been on Jenny. I know what Jodi is going through and I know what she will be going through. It's not an easy road that's for sure, I'm not sure that road ever gets easy. It sure hasn't gotten any easier for me.


Every day I wake up and I think maybe, just maybe I can get through this day and not cry, but I don't think that has happened since my Mom passed away. I will go through the day and not think about it and all of the sudden...it hits me when I'm not expecting it! Sometimes it happens right as I'm getting ready for bed and I look over and see her pictures and I think to myself...I can't believe that I have not talked to my Mom today or yesterday or the day before! It just makes no sense to me that it has been over seven months and I haven't talked to her. How can that be? I never went over a few days without talking to her! I don't really talk to anyone. I mean I talk to Tim and the kids, but I don't have anyone that I can really talk to. I used to be able to tell my Mom everything. I could complain to her about things that weren't going right and she would just take it all in, but now I don't have that someone to tell. So, I keep it all in! Who really wants to hear me complain? She did! She would listen and then complain herself! LOL!! It was so nice to be able to have that and now it's gone and she is gone!


Sometimes I think I just repeat myself and I'm sorry if I do. But you really must know that I come down here to write and I have something in my mind and what comes out is something totally different then what I really had intended to write.


All I know is that in less then 8 months we have lost two wonderful woman and my son Devin has lost two of his Grandmas. They loved him more then anything and I know that he is hurting inside and it's hard for him to show us that side.

I know that someday this picture will mean more to him then anything! They were his biggest fans and they only wanted the best for him.