October is almost over...that means that Breast Cancer Awarness month is almost over and I'm not real happy to see it go! I kind of like seeing all the pink in the stores. I kind of like knowing that some of what I'm buying is going to a good cause. I mean it does bring back lots of painful memories of last year and what we all went through, but for our family we need to have this month! We need to know that people are looking and working to find a CURE! A cure for this terrible disease that affects so many!
I often think of my Mom and I wonder what was going on in her mind those last few years. I'm not mad at her, I'm just puzzled. I'm just not understanding what she was thinking. I wish she could tell me why. I know she didn't want this. I know she wouldn't have chosen this path, this path with all of us here and her there. I know that if she would have seen how many people are still hurting just a few months short of a year. How her death has left us....we are all kind of living, but not living. I guess that's kind of what I'm doing. I'm here, but I'm not. Would she have changed anything? I'm not sure...I would hope so. I know she was scared, we all are. But she would have had everyone by her side. Everyone! We know that. Our family is so good when the going gets tough. They might not always be around, but you can sure count on them when someone is down and in need. That is what they do. That is what we can count on! I have seen it done with my own eyes a time or two.
So many un-answered questions. I wish I had one more day with her, but would I ask those questions or would I just take the time and spend it with her? I think you all know the answer just as I do!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Our Journey part two~
After thinking about my last post I thought that I would tell you about how my journey started and it started with my Mom right by my side.
Once my Mom found out that we were going to be moving to of all places Arkansas she was not happy! But finally after coming to terms with it she made up her mind that she would be making the trip with us. She would be helping us move across the country, over 2,500 miles away from everything that we were familiar with. She wanted to be the one to see where we were going to live. She wasn't going to let me do this by myself, well I wasn't by myself I had Tim and the boys, but I still needed my Mom, don't we always need our Mom's? Well I did and I still do.
We started our journey....Tim was in the big moving truck and we were in Tim's truck. We were talking about some things on the way up and one of the things was that Grandma had told my Mom that we needed to be careful at rest stops and not get murdered...I know kind of funny, but on our first stop at a rest stop a lady said something to us and we both thought she said "Are there any murderers?" We looked at each other and thought what? Turn's out that wasn't what she asked us, but it was funny, I guess you had to be there, but it was kind of a funny thing to talk about later on during the trip.
She ended doing most of the driving...I did do some. But she did a lot and helped us out so much. It was so nice to have her with us. I don't think it would have been an easy drive without her. Ty was just 3 months old and needed lots of attention.
By the time we arrived in Magnolia we were ready to be there! Ready to stop driving! Ready to see what I had gotten myself into! Ready to see this little town and the house that I would be living in. The house was good....it was big, bigger then the house we have now. What I wouldn't do for that house now! It had four bedrooms that were pretty good size and a nice big front room. The kitchen wasn't that big, but bigger then the one I have now. Mom liked the house. The town.........hmmmmm.....the town was small. Not much to do. She wasn't as impressed with the town, but then neither was I.
She got to stay for another week, helping us get things moved in and trying to get some things unpacked. I have some pictures of this and I wish that I could put them on here...maybe I can scrapbook them and then add them, that might work.
Then came the dreaded day....the day she had to leave. We had to drive her to Shreveport and that was the longest drive, not as long as the drive back. It was so hard telling her goodbye and then having to watch her say goodbye to Devin and Ty. Devin who she had such a strong bond to and Ty who was just a baby who she was just getting to know. Now she had to say goodbye and we didn't know when we would see her again. We were so used to seeing her almost every day. But now we had no family, no one to go to if we needed something. We were on our own!! That was scary! Devin and I cried the whole way home, an hour and a half. Then when we did get home I went into Devin's room where she had spent so much time and just sat and cried!
Every day since this journey has began my Mom has always been the one that I would call when I needed to feel like I was at HOME!
Once my Mom found out that we were going to be moving to of all places Arkansas she was not happy! But finally after coming to terms with it she made up her mind that she would be making the trip with us. She would be helping us move across the country, over 2,500 miles away from everything that we were familiar with. She wanted to be the one to see where we were going to live. She wasn't going to let me do this by myself, well I wasn't by myself I had Tim and the boys, but I still needed my Mom, don't we always need our Mom's? Well I did and I still do.
We started our journey....Tim was in the big moving truck and we were in Tim's truck. We were talking about some things on the way up and one of the things was that Grandma had told my Mom that we needed to be careful at rest stops and not get murdered...I know kind of funny, but on our first stop at a rest stop a lady said something to us and we both thought she said "Are there any murderers?" We looked at each other and thought what? Turn's out that wasn't what she asked us, but it was funny, I guess you had to be there, but it was kind of a funny thing to talk about later on during the trip.
She ended doing most of the driving...I did do some. But she did a lot and helped us out so much. It was so nice to have her with us. I don't think it would have been an easy drive without her. Ty was just 3 months old and needed lots of attention.
By the time we arrived in Magnolia we were ready to be there! Ready to stop driving! Ready to see what I had gotten myself into! Ready to see this little town and the house that I would be living in. The house was good....it was big, bigger then the house we have now. What I wouldn't do for that house now! It had four bedrooms that were pretty good size and a nice big front room. The kitchen wasn't that big, but bigger then the one I have now. Mom liked the house. The town.........hmmmmm.....the town was small. Not much to do. She wasn't as impressed with the town, but then neither was I.
She got to stay for another week, helping us get things moved in and trying to get some things unpacked. I have some pictures of this and I wish that I could put them on here...maybe I can scrapbook them and then add them, that might work.
Then came the dreaded day....the day she had to leave. We had to drive her to Shreveport and that was the longest drive, not as long as the drive back. It was so hard telling her goodbye and then having to watch her say goodbye to Devin and Ty. Devin who she had such a strong bond to and Ty who was just a baby who she was just getting to know. Now she had to say goodbye and we didn't know when we would see her again. We were so used to seeing her almost every day. But now we had no family, no one to go to if we needed something. We were on our own!! That was scary! Devin and I cried the whole way home, an hour and a half. Then when we did get home I went into Devin's room where she had spent so much time and just sat and cried!
Every day since this journey has began my Mom has always been the one that I would call when I needed to feel like I was at HOME!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Our Journey~
I have been thinking about this post for awhile now and I'm hoping that it will come out the way I want it to. I might complain a little and I might be feeling a little bit sorry for myself....so if you don't want to hear all that then I guess you better stop reading this now! :)
We started this journey a long time ago, in the year 2000. I thought that it was only going to be a short journey. I thought it was going to be a two year journey away from home and then we were going to be back, but that is not the case. We have now been gone over ten years! TEN long years! We have added a child to the mix, after taking a baby with us and a young child. No one got to see Devin grow into a young man, no one got to see Ty grow into a young boy, no one got to see Emmie grow into a young little girl. None of that. Everyone missed all of their firsts....everything about them was missed. Only one person got to hold Emmie the day she was born, other then Tim and I and the boys, my Mom. That isn't how it is supposed to be. We should have had a room full of people waiting to hold my baby girl, but we didn't. But I was glad my Mom was there, but I wished that we were home for that wonderful event in our life.
Now lets get to what we are missing out on by not being home! We missed out on some births that we would have wanted to be home for! We would have loved to hold the newborns of many babies in the family. We miss out on all the birthday parties, my kids wouldn't know what to do if they got to go to as many birthday parties that our family has. They would love it! We miss out on all the family holiday stuff, granted they may be a bit hectic, but I would love it. For us they are a little bit boring. I try and think of things to do with the kids, but I'm so busy cooking and cleaning, by the time I get done with that I'm ready to sit down. Doing the whole Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner by yourself isn't so much fun, yes Tim will help out, but I do end up doing most of it. What I really miss is the day to day family things. I would love to go to baseball/softball games or any other sport that our family members our playing. We love to do those simple kinds of things. Just being around family is what we, well what I like. I miss just going out to lunch and having a girls night. I would love to do that! I Don't get that here. I don't do anything that doesn't involve the kids or Tim. I know some of it might be my fault, but I have been so wrapped up in their world for so long that it's hard to get out of it and be in my own world, plus I really don't have any one to do anything with! Again my fault!
We have been gone so long that sometimes I feel like we are kind of the black sheep of the families! We don't get many calls anymore and when we are home we don't know all the inside jokes or the happenings. I kind of feel like I'm on the outside of a circle looking in and now I feel like it's only going to get worse with my Mom being gone. I feel like I'm lost.
I'm not really sure when our journey will take us back home, I'm hoping it will be soon. It has taken a lot out of me and I don't feel like I'm the same person that left that summer day.
We started this journey a long time ago, in the year 2000. I thought that it was only going to be a short journey. I thought it was going to be a two year journey away from home and then we were going to be back, but that is not the case. We have now been gone over ten years! TEN long years! We have added a child to the mix, after taking a baby with us and a young child. No one got to see Devin grow into a young man, no one got to see Ty grow into a young boy, no one got to see Emmie grow into a young little girl. None of that. Everyone missed all of their firsts....everything about them was missed. Only one person got to hold Emmie the day she was born, other then Tim and I and the boys, my Mom. That isn't how it is supposed to be. We should have had a room full of people waiting to hold my baby girl, but we didn't. But I was glad my Mom was there, but I wished that we were home for that wonderful event in our life.
Now lets get to what we are missing out on by not being home! We missed out on some births that we would have wanted to be home for! We would have loved to hold the newborns of many babies in the family. We miss out on all the birthday parties, my kids wouldn't know what to do if they got to go to as many birthday parties that our family has. They would love it! We miss out on all the family holiday stuff, granted they may be a bit hectic, but I would love it. For us they are a little bit boring. I try and think of things to do with the kids, but I'm so busy cooking and cleaning, by the time I get done with that I'm ready to sit down. Doing the whole Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner by yourself isn't so much fun, yes Tim will help out, but I do end up doing most of it. What I really miss is the day to day family things. I would love to go to baseball/softball games or any other sport that our family members our playing. We love to do those simple kinds of things. Just being around family is what we, well what I like. I miss just going out to lunch and having a girls night. I would love to do that! I Don't get that here. I don't do anything that doesn't involve the kids or Tim. I know some of it might be my fault, but I have been so wrapped up in their world for so long that it's hard to get out of it and be in my own world, plus I really don't have any one to do anything with! Again my fault!
We have been gone so long that sometimes I feel like we are kind of the black sheep of the families! We don't get many calls anymore and when we are home we don't know all the inside jokes or the happenings. I kind of feel like I'm on the outside of a circle looking in and now I feel like it's only going to get worse with my Mom being gone. I feel like I'm lost.
I'm not really sure when our journey will take us back home, I'm hoping it will be soon. It has taken a lot out of me and I don't feel like I'm the same person that left that summer day.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Devin's Surgery~
This is a picture of Devin before his surgery. It was a little sad that day. As soon as the nurse left and he got in the bed to wait a little tear came out of his eye.....he was so scared. I don't blame him, I was scared also when I had my surgery. But for a kid, it's more of the unknown. They really don't know what to expect. They don't know what is going to happen. 
He wanted me to get a picture of these cute little socks that they had him wear. 
He looks pretty scared in all of these pictures. But as we were waiting for everything.....in my mind I kept thinking that as the end of the bed he had other people waiting along with me. He had two other Grandma's and his Dad. They were not going to let him go in without them! The surgery went well and he is now doing great! These last few days he hasn't had to take any pain medication. That makes him feel much better and me also. We are just waiting to hear from the doctor on the other thing they found, but it looks like it will be fine as long as he is feeling fine.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Happy Birthday Mom~
Today my Mom would have been 61~
She should be here today getting my morning phone call telling her Happy Birthday. But she's not here!
This whole month brings back lots of memories of last year. This is when it all seemed to start. This is when she started telling us she wasn't feeling well. She said she just had a "flu bug" that was going around. Well, her "flu bug" never got better. I remember talking to her and she just didn't sound good. She didn't sound like Mom. She didn't do the things she usually did. She seemed to be getting worse and worse. It was Halloween and she still wasn't feeling good. It was so hard for me to deal with my day to day stuff around here because I was so worried about her even then, but she kept telling me she was fine and it was just that darn "flu bug" that just kept coming back! What could I do?? What could anybody do? Everyone told her to go to the doctor, but she had to make the choice to go and when she did that is when all hell broke loose!
I wish that I was home so that I could give her flowers. I know that she will have plenty of them, but I just want to be able to do that for her. She loved doing that and always made sure everyone had flowers. I'm not sure when I will be able to give her flowers. I know the first time I go it will be very emotional for me, but it is something I need to do....want to do.
Happy birthday Mom~
She should be here today getting my morning phone call telling her Happy Birthday. But she's not here!
This whole month brings back lots of memories of last year. This is when it all seemed to start. This is when she started telling us she wasn't feeling well. She said she just had a "flu bug" that was going around. Well, her "flu bug" never got better. I remember talking to her and she just didn't sound good. She didn't sound like Mom. She didn't do the things she usually did. She seemed to be getting worse and worse. It was Halloween and she still wasn't feeling good. It was so hard for me to deal with my day to day stuff around here because I was so worried about her even then, but she kept telling me she was fine and it was just that darn "flu bug" that just kept coming back! What could I do?? What could anybody do? Everyone told her to go to the doctor, but she had to make the choice to go and when she did that is when all hell broke loose!
I wish that I was home so that I could give her flowers. I know that she will have plenty of them, but I just want to be able to do that for her. She loved doing that and always made sure everyone had flowers. I'm not sure when I will be able to give her flowers. I know the first time I go it will be very emotional for me, but it is something I need to do....want to do.
Happy birthday Mom~
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Here is Emmie in a cute little skirt that Lyndsey got her. I of course forgot what it's called! Isn't it the cutest thing ever!!! I just love the colors! She wore it for for three straight days! She loves to put it on as soon as she gets home from school! I need to get her some little pants to go under it now that the weather is getting a little cooler...then she could wear it to school! Then there is Ty!! I still have not got a picture of him in his fall ball uniform!! I know bad Mom!! He only has one more game left. I will have to get one next week.
The Things She Loved~
Okay, I guess I better say I'm sorry for not posting last week! SORRY!!! No excuses....just had a bad week and couldn't put it into words.
Tomorrow Devin will go in for his surgery on his kidney. I know it's not a BIG surgery...but to me it's a big deal! They will be putting him under and I have just been needing my Mom yet again. I guess you could say I'm a needy person. I have always needed her when it came down to my kids when they were sick or just anything about them. I would have called her the minute I got home from the doctors office to tell her the news and she would have been worried about it, but also glad that they were getting things done and not messing around and waiting.
The Things She Loved
Going to garage sales with Grandma and Antique Stores on Fridays
Her Grandkids
Monday night pool
Making something out of nothing (examples are all over her house)
Screen doors
Angels
Cheetos
Red licorice
Making her house look pretty
Mexican Food with Beer
Shopping
Antique magazines
I could go on and on....but I think these were some of her favorite things! She really enjoyed her Fridays with Grandma. She would save her money for that very day so they could go shopping and then go get a little lunch. That day was very important to her...she didn't want to miss it. Even when I was in town she would still make sure and go with Grandma.
Tomorrow Devin will go in for his surgery on his kidney. I know it's not a BIG surgery...but to me it's a big deal! They will be putting him under and I have just been needing my Mom yet again. I guess you could say I'm a needy person. I have always needed her when it came down to my kids when they were sick or just anything about them. I would have called her the minute I got home from the doctors office to tell her the news and she would have been worried about it, but also glad that they were getting things done and not messing around and waiting.
The Things She Loved
Going to garage sales with Grandma and Antique Stores on Fridays
Her Grandkids
Monday night pool
Making something out of nothing (examples are all over her house)
Screen doors
Angels
Cheetos
Red licorice
Making her house look pretty
Mexican Food with Beer
Shopping
Antique magazines
I could go on and on....but I think these were some of her favorite things! She really enjoyed her Fridays with Grandma. She would save her money for that very day so they could go shopping and then go get a little lunch. That day was very important to her...she didn't want to miss it. Even when I was in town she would still make sure and go with Grandma.
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