Devin's Birthday!

My boy turned 17 yesterday! How scary is that! He is getting so old, that means I'm getting old, well not old....older! That sounds better. He had a great day . They were out because of snow, if you want to call it that. We maybe got an inch or more on the ground. I think they could have went late, but oh well, he got an extra little gift for his birthday.

He really enjoyed the day. We went out for pizza at one of his favorite spots. It's called the Mellow Mushroom. The have the best hummus! That's my favorite part, he likes it also. We had dinner and then he got to come home and open his presents. He got a lot that was on his birthday list, that he had sent out to some people, with out me knowing about it!!! I think he sent it out over a month ago! But when you know what you want...I guess you know!

It was a little weird yesterday without a call from my Mom. It just felt like we were missing something. Devin even mentioned that he wished that he was going to get a call from Grandma Debbi. Okay....so maybe the tears came on, but I didn't let them fall. Every day is hard without her, but the holidays are harder!

Mammogram update~

Today I went in for my follow up with my doctor to talk about all that has been going on and it has been a lot. It feels like I have been at the doctors office almost every day! I told the kids that we had to hurry up the other day because I had a doctors appointment and Ty says another one!

We talked about me going to the surgeon on Thursday about my gallbladder. Come to find out she says that your gallbladder should be functioning at a 30% and mine is at a 17%. She doesn't yet know if he will want to do surgery or not, I guess we will find out after talking to him. She talked about doing a scope!!! YIKES!! I think I just want to go ahead and do the surgery! I'm not so keen on having a scoop down my throat! I then asked her if she had any news on my mammogram, not really thinking that she would have the results in already, but she did. I guess I have to go in and have another one done. My breast are dense??? Not really sure what that means. She even talked about having an MRI done on them. So, I don't go in for the second mammogram until the 12th of March. I don't think it's much to worry about...so I'm not going to worry about it. That's what I'm telling myself! She also wants me to go in for some free testing that they have here at the UK hospital. Since we now have Breast cancer and Ovarian cancer in our family she says that I will qualify for that. She says it's really good and it's all for FREE! Why not!

She was very nice today and I really enjoyed our visit. Maybe the first visit I had with her she was just trying to get me figured out. It was just her and I today. She did ask about counseling and if I still felt good enough without medication and I turned down the medication and told her that we are working on the counseling. It's just been hard with all these doctor appointments trying to get a counseling appointment in also. So, that is in the plans for March!

Hope you wanted all that information...because you got it! :)

Mammogram~

This morning I went in for my very first mammogram. I was a little nervous about it all and not at all excited about it! But I went in and got it done. I have to do this now every year. Not just for me, but for my family and my Mom. I'm not sure why she didn't go, we will never know. I don't hold it against her, I can't. I wish she would have, but there is nothing that I can do about it now. I'm sure she was scared, we all are. We don't want to hear the bad things in life, but as we are all learning the bad things in life happen and they happen to us!

All I see as I go into the office is breast cancer signs and pink ribbons and how they remind me of my Mom. I of course pick up one of the free ribbons that they have. Why? To remind me of my Mom, not that I need to be reminded, but it's just nice to have. I'm sure you would have picked one up too. I carefully put it in my purse and think that's going to go in her scrapbook.

As I'm sitting their waiting for them to call my name my only thoughts are on my Mom. They call me in and ask the basic questions and then comes the one question that I'm dreading and know is coming.


Do you have breast cancer in your family?

Before I always could answer no....but now I have to say yes and then I have to say my Mom. That makes it ten times worse. Then they ask me when and what age and they give me the look. The I'm sorry look, that's nice, but you just really don't want to see it right now look!

Anyways.....they do it and come to find out, it's not bad. I mean it's not the best feeling in the world. But I was thinking it was really going to hurt. I said that to the lady doing it and she said it feels different to everyone. So, for me it wasn't that bad. Which I'm thankful for. I will get the results back in a week or so. I'll let you know how it turns out.

I walk out of the office feeling like I have accomplished something. Still sad and thinking of my Mom, but glad that I have taken the first step.

Let your Dreams take Flight~

A second post today!!!!

After reading my last post.....it kind of sounded it little bit like last weeks, but after just hearing that from someone very close to me I was a little upset! So, I thought I would try and post another one, this one more about my Mom!

When I came home the second time, I found in my room a little bag that my Mom had gotten ready for me. She had went shopping before I left and was going to give it to me for helping her out. Little did she know I didn't need anything for helping her out. Just being there and seeing her was gift enough for me, but you know my Mom, she had to thank you for doing something for her. For some reason or another she ended up not giving it to me before I left, so she put it together and just left it in my room for me.

I was with her on the trip that we made to Target that night. It was such a fun night. She was feeling a little bit better, she had been to the doctors earlier that day and had got her tummy drained. Lyndsey and I took her to Target. She got to ride in one of those little wheelchair's that she could control on her own. She had so much fun. I think she just felt like she could do something on her own again. We were gone for a long time. She spent a lot of money that night, but she had fun. I remember asking her when we were at the register if I could help her get her stuff out on the counter and she kind of snapped at me and said no! Little did I know why. It was because she had things in her basket for me. She did say later why she did that, but I didn't think anything of it. I was just having so much fun seeing her having fun.

She ended up buying me this little plaque to hang on the wall it says:

Let your Dreams take flight.
Let your heart be the guide.

She bought me a few other items that I will cherish forever. But every time I look at the plaque it just hurts. Because I think of all her dreams and what she lost, what we all lost.

Grief~

I have been told by a few people in these last few days that I should be better by now. That I shouldn't be feeling so bad about my Mom not being here. But I'm not really sure that those people have told me this have lost a parent or understand what I'm going through. I mean don't we all do it differently? We are all not built the same and we don't feel the same. So, it's hard for me to understand how someone can tell ME how I should or shouldn't be feeling. I don't think that I'm dealing with this in a negative way. I don't walk around crying all day long and not being able to do what I need to do to take care of my kids. Yes, my house might not be as clean as it was before. But is that the worst thing in the world?

I can tell you this....I'm not the same person that I was 5 months ago. Do I plan to be that person again? I hope so. I want to be happy again, smile again and just not think about all the what ifs.

I'm going to also check into going to see a one-on-one counselor. I kind of have been talked into it. I'll go and try and see if it helps me. I have went to one before....but I only did it one time. It was after Jason passed away. I think I have a hard time talking about things with people that I don't know. But I guess it can't hurt me to give it a try. It's also hard talking about my Mom because I end up getting all choked up and then can't talk without crying.

I'll be done grieving when I'm ready....not when you tell me I should be done!!!!

Six weeks

Today I went in for my doctors appointment after going to the ER last month. I have to admit I was a little nervous about going. I'm always nervous when going to the doctor.

After talking with her about me we got on the subject of my Mom. I told her what happened and she seems to think that I should be doing better or handling things better. She said that usually after six weeks you should be doing better. I'm not really sure that I agree with her on that. I really didn't understand what she meant by it either. She was really pushing for me to go to a grief counselor and she also wanted to put me on some medication. I turned down the medication. I would much rather try and get through this without any. Isn't normal to be sad? Shouldn't I be feeling the way that I'm feeling? Wouldn't you think it was strange if I wasn't sad? I just don't understand how she can understand what I'm truly going through after only talking to me about it for five minutes.

You just can't get over the death of someone that was such an important part of your life in six weeks. I still can't believe that she is gone. I still have to tell myself almost daily that she is gone, that I will never hear her voice again or see her. I walk around the house talking to her, telling her how much I need her to be here. Not just for me, but for all the kids, my Dad, my sisters, my Aunt and the rest of the family. I don't think she knew how her leaving would really affect us all, not that she had a choice. We are all hurting so much and I just can't imagine going the rest of my life without her. I know that I have to......but it's hard to imagine her not here. I have always needed her and now I need her more then ever.

I think I'll need more then six weeks~

Family~

First of all I wanted to tell you about a blog that I have just recently started reading. The blog is called Beneath My Heart and it reminds me of my Mom in a couple of ways. Traci, the lady that writes the blog just lost her Mom to cancer not more then 4-5 months ago. I remember her going through all of that and really thinking about my Mom and then when she came back to work, I just kept wondering how she does it. How can she come to work after having lost her Mom. How does she still put a smile on her face every day? But now I know how she does it.....she does it for us. She try's to be strong for all of us. Because that is what I do, I don't want anyone at work to see how hurt I'm, so I just put the smile on my face. Anyways......... another reason that this blog reminds me of my Mom is because she is always taking old things and turning them into other things. Mom would have loved this. She took a bed frame and cut it off and turned it into a towel rack! Now if my Mom would have seen this you would have been sure to see this in her bathroom on your next visit or at least she would have had some plans in the works. She loved things like this and she would have loved looking at all these little projects.

I know your wondering what this has to do with my title for the day. Traci has a day on her blog that she writes about her Mom and I thought I might do that also. That way I would have to try and do it every week. So I thought maybe I would do Wednesdays. So every Wednesday I'll write a little something on my Mom. Maybe a story or a feeling, just whatever comes to my mind. Sound good? I hope so.

FAMILY~

While I was home and we were in the hospital all I remember is my Mom saying was how wonderful her family was. Everyone would do such wonderful things for her and she just really didn't know what to say or do. She was amazed at everyone. She was more of a giver then a taker. So, being the one on the other side was a little bit strange for her. I just can't remember how many times I heard her say what a wonderful family she had. I still see her sitting in her hospital bed with her green blanket draped around her shoulders and her pretty pin keeping it together looking at everyone in her room and smiling. I know right then that she knew how much she was loved.

I know families are all a little different and our big family has many issues. But push come to shove...when you need them they are there. I wouldn't change a single one of them. They are my family and I love every single one of them. My only wish is that one day I will live close to home to be able to see them more often. I do miss the birthday parties, BB Q's, dinners on Sundays and all the Holidays.

Home is where your family is~