Going home~

I know......I'm very late at posting today! We went to a Reds game today, so I'm just now getting it done, but better late then never!

Last year at this time we would have been getting ready for our yearly trip home and my Mom would have been getting the house all ready for us. She loved having us home for a few weeks during the summer, well at least I think she did. Actually I know she did. This year it's a little bit different. We won't be traveling home, well Devin will be going home, but the rest of us will be staying home this year and to tell you the truth, I'm okay with that. I bet you are wondering why. I'm usually all set to go home and see everyone, but I'm scared. I'm scared to go home and have to face that fact that she isn't there. My Mom isn't in her house, she won't be there to see us come home, she won't be there to watch my kids playing in her yard. I can't sit out on her back porch and talk to her, it just isn't going to happen. She won't be able to celebrate Emmie's birthday. The last time I was home I had to say goodbye to her and it's been almost 7 months and I just don't know that I can deal with not seeing her in her house or sitting out side enjoying the kids. We would spend most nights outside watching all the kids playing and to not have her there just isn't right. It just doesn't seem fair.

The majority of my time home was spent with her and now I don't have her....what do I do without her? I know I have so many others and I want to see them also, it's just I need her! I need to feel like I belong. I don't feel like I have a place right now. Where do I belong? It's just that I feel kind of lost right now and I'm not really sure when I will feel like myself again. Will I ever feel like myself again? I just know that I have a big hole in my life and I just don't know how to fill it. She was such a big part of my life and in so many other peoples life. I just never in a million years thought I would be going through this at this point in my life.

Last year at this time we were all enjoying our time with each other without a thought in the world that one of us would not be here next year at this time.

Fill your Life with Love~

Okay today I'm going to post two posts!! Since I kind of slacked for a few weeks! But that was because we had some house issues going on! First of all we had some sewer problems and had running water in only one bathroom and that bathroom had no bathtub or shower!!! No, shower for 6 days!!!! Well, I did shower....I just went to Tim's work and took a shower! But it was a hassle!! No fun at all. So, that is why I didn't get a chance to post one of the weeks! It was just too crazy and we were working on getting this thing fixed, well Tim was. I was his "helper" or "gopher". Not a fun job! So, sorry about not posting if you were at all wondering why I didn't! If you didn't miss it then I guess that's okay also! I missed not posting!

Fill your Life with Love~

This is a lazy Susan that my Mom had bought for me while we were at a Bazaar when I was in town after she got out of the hospital the first time. I love it and will hardly let my kids touch it!

The day we went to the Bazaar is kind of funny. It was a kind of the spur of the moment kind of thing. My sisters and I were talking about going and never really thought that she would want to go because it was so hard for her to walk any distance with out getting really tired. But come to find out she is going!! We are all glad that she wants to go. But she needs a wheelchair. So, after some phone calling, they finally find her one! By this time she is ready to go and I mean ready!! She is usually a very patient person and doesn't mind waiting around....but today she didn't want to wait. I went over to Lyndsey's for something, don't ask me what, because my mind is a blank on that one. But as I'm coming back...... because I was going to ride with my Mom and Barbara, I see them leaving !!! What the heck!!! I call Barbara's cell phone and say "You left Me"! I guess by that time, my Mom had just decided that I would just ride with Lyndsey! I guess she was ready to go....didn't want to wait for me!! LOL

On to the Bazaar! She had so much fun while we were there. We all took turns pushing her in the wheelchair. You would think that she would have been a little embarrassed, but no not Mom. She took it all in stride. It didn't bother her one bit. She just wanted to shop! And shop she did!! If you didn't go fast enough for her she would tell you to go faster! It was fun to watch her having fun! She wanted to go to all her favorite spots, the ones she knew about from last year. She had to buy me a little bell thing for my cell phone. Then she saw the lazy Susan and had to have it. It was one of the last things that I have from her. I will always treasure it!

By the time we left we had plenty of bags to carry out......the thing was they weren't our bags they were hers! She had the best time and so did we.

Thanks for a great Memory Mom~

Six Months~

Could it really be six months since I have talked to my Mom?
Could it really be six months since I last saw my Mom?
Could it really be six months since I said goodbye to my Mom?

The answer is yes and I can hardly believe it. In those six months my world has been turned upside down. I still have a hard time understanding that she is really gone, my Mom isn't here anymore. I can't pick up the phone to call her, I won't be seeing her when I come home to visit anymore! How is that possible? She was here this time last year! Why can't she be here now?

You would think that after six months I would be doing a little bit better, but no I'm not. I might pretend to be doing better or maybe I just put those bad thoughts way down deep and try not to think about them. But they don't stay down for very long. They seem to come up when I least expect them.

The other day while getting Ty's picture taken for his Young Achievers, as I was sitting there watching him, all I could think about was my Mom and how much I wanted to tell her about all of this. Well, you can only guess what happened after that.......the big lump and then the tears. I had to pull myself together really fast. That just wasn't the right time for me to break down. The little things in life that remind me of her bring me to tears and they also make me smile. I bought a hanging basket the other day and I only wanted the kind that she always would get. I want to look out my window and think of her.

What I wouldn't do for one more memory......one more day~

The Bravest Woman~

Lets see where this post goes.....it's a little touchy and I have been thinking about it for some time and hopefully it will come out as good as I want it to.

I'm sure you all know that I think the Bravest woman is my Mom! I'm just not sure that I could ever do the things that she did. Not only was she tough during her sickness, but she was just a all around tough person all the time. I look up to her. I wish that I had half of what she had. I know that I will never be able to be like her, but I can sure try. She is my inspiration!

I think back to the time when we were in the hospital and we got the news that there wasn't much that we could do. She just took it all in stride and the doctor kept asking her if she understood her and what she was saying. She says yes, I understand. But they kept thinking that she was in denial about the whole thing, in fact we might have all thought the same thing. But come to find out later in a conversation, she did understand and she said that she wasn't going to do what they expected her to do. She wasn't going to cry in front of them or in front of us. She wasn't going to say why me! She was just going to take each day as it came. All she wanted to do after that was go home. She wanted to be in her house, with her things and with her family and not be told how many people she can have in her room. The bravery showed in her eyes every day when I would walk in her room at the hospital and she would want to get ready for the day, just like every other day. I'm not so sure I could do what she did. She made it all easier for us. Not that it was easy by any means, but she was trying to make it that way, I'm sure that was what she was trying to do. She didn't want us to see her sad...she didn't want to see us sad. I know that on a few occasions she must have seen the sadness in my eyes, because I was standing by her bedside on her final day and she asked for someone else. I of course was taken back at the time that she didn't want me there. But after talking to my Aunt Barbara, she said that it most likely hurt her to see me so sad and she just couldn't take it. I hope that is what it was.

I look back at those days as a blessing. I got to spend some wonderful days with her. They will always be cherished and thought about. Many people don't get those last days with loved ones. Life is just too short and we have to live each day to the fullest!