I know......I'm very late at posting today! We went to a Reds game today, so I'm just now getting it done, but better late then never!
Last year at this time we would have been getting ready for our yearly trip home and my Mom would have been getting the house all ready for us. She loved having us home for a few weeks during the summer, well at least I think she did. Actually I know she did. This year it's a little bit different. We won't be traveling home, well Devin will be going home, but the rest of us will be staying home this year and to tell you the truth, I'm okay with that. I bet you are wondering why. I'm usually all set to go home and see everyone, but I'm scared. I'm scared to go home and have to face that fact that she isn't there. My Mom isn't in her house, she won't be there to see us come home, she won't be there to watch my kids playing in her yard. I can't sit out on her back porch and talk to her, it just isn't going to happen. She won't be able to celebrate Emmie's birthday. The last time I was home I had to say goodbye to her and it's been almost 7 months and I just don't know that I can deal with not seeing her in her house or sitting out side enjoying the kids. We would spend most nights outside watching all the kids playing and to not have her there just isn't right. It just doesn't seem fair.
The majority of my time home was spent with her and now I don't have her....what do I do without her? I know I have so many others and I want to see them also, it's just I need her! I need to feel like I belong. I don't feel like I have a place right now. Where do I belong? It's just that I feel kind of lost right now and I'm not really sure when I will feel like myself again. Will I ever feel like myself again? I just know that I have a big hole in my life and I just don't know how to fill it. She was such a big part of my life and in so many other peoples life. I just never in a million years thought I would be going through this at this point in my life.
Last year at this time we were all enjoying our time with each other without a thought in the world that one of us would not be here next year at this time.
1 comment:
I am sure it's going to be pretty strange for you when you do finally get to come home. Because I am there a lot, I have an easier time being there. It makes me feel closer to her when I am there. I would like to go there and just sit,and stare....and wait for her to give me a sign that she's there. Because I know that's right where she is. Her house was her favorite place to be. You guys are always welcome there, and she wouldn't want it any other way. She would hate for you to feel like you were out of place there. The only thing out of place there, is that she's gone. I so wish you were coming home this summer. I feel better being around people who "get it", and I know you would too. It's a comfort of just being around eachother knowing we are all going through this awful thing, but at least we have eachother. That's what she would want too. I hope you get to come home soon...
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