Happy Thanksgiving~ two posts today!

Okay if you were here you would have seen me just take a big deep breath.......this post for me isn't an easy one or this day.  It reminds me of my Mom.  But I guess everything reminds me of my Mom.

This day last year is etched in my brain.  I can still see my Mom sitting at her, oh gosh I can't think of the name of the thing that sits in the middle of her kitchen!!!  Well, anyways you know what I'm talking about if you have been to her house!  That is where she would always put on her make-up.  Teresa was coming over and she was going to wax her eyebrows, she was very excited about that.  She got it done and so did Barbara...then they started teasing me because I had never got it done, it was kind of fun to get teased again by her.  So, I got it done, didn't hurt. 

Mom also had wanted me to make pumpkin bars, I needed to make something and she wanted me to make those.  I always make those here so she wanted me to make them.  Of course I made them last night and all I could think about was her. 

Everyone wanted to help out and bring dishes.  If Mom had it her way she had told everyone that she was going to go to Thanksgiving dinner at whoever house it was at that year, but we knew she couldn't do it.  So, everyone brought a dish.  We had a ton of food!  Grandma was able to come and spend it with her and I know that is what she wanted to do. 

Mom stayed up through all the visitors and then by the time dinner was ready she as able to come sit out at the table.  It's hard to see her in my mind sitting there trying to look like herself.  We are all talking trying to make it look and feel normal when I know that for all of us it wasn't normal.  We just wanted her to be better, we wanted her to be Mom!  I know she would have wanted to be the one in the kitchen helping with the food set-up, not so much the clean up!  I know that whole day must have been hard for her.  It was hard for me!  I would have changed spots with her if I could have!

Then came the time of the day that I can't get out of my mind.......I see it all the time.  I see my Dad walking her to her room.  Her not looking good at all.  Was she just so tired from the busy day?  I don't know!  But that is a picture that stays with me. 

I didn't get to celebrate many holidays with her and it's kind of bitter sweet that I was home for that one.  I wouldn't have missed it for the world.  I just wish that we would have been home for all of them.  She would say it to me every time I would talk to her on the phone on the holidays, I wish you all were here.  It would be so nice to have you all home!  That is what she wanted!  She wanted us home...she wanted her grand kids home!  I wanted to be home!


PS.  I'm still bugged that I can't think of the name of the thing in her kitchen!!!!!!!!!!!!

Devin update~

I know I missed last week and I'm a day late at posting! It was just a busy day yesterday!  We took Devin to the doctor for his 4 year heart check up and all looked well on that check up.  It sure is hard to sit in that room as they are talking in doctor language and you just don't know what to think.  I mean does he have what Jason had or not.  So, when they said the all clear, my eyes did tear up!  Thats the 11:00 appt.  Now on to the 8:30......that one went as we thought it would.  He will need to have surgery.  I knew it was coming, but to hear the words, well it made me tear up again.  I didn't get to go in the room when they did the ultrasound, Tim went with.  We had the other kids, so I ended up staying with them!  I know bummer, but Tim was asking all the questions, so I just thought he should go in.  Turns out he has another stone and I guess it's pretty big and more stuff that is not being eliminated.  So, yes surgery is needed.  If he doesn't get the surgery, some day he could loss that kidney!  Not good!  Surgery is all set for the 20th of December.  He will have to stay in the hospital for 48 hours.  I'm okay with that, makes me feel better after a surgery.  They know what they are doing. 

He seems to be taking it okay so far.  But I'm sure as the day approaches he will have more worries, as will I!

Emotional Roller Coaster~

For the past eleven months I have been on this roller coaster, you could call it an emotional roller coaster if you will.  In the first place, I don't like roller coasters, they make me sick!  This one has kept me on it for a long time, never letting me off! 

This roller coaster pretty much started around this time last year.  I remember just sitting here waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for some type of news on my Mom.  Waiting to hear what we had to deal with, what we were going to do, what I was going to do.  I don't know how I made it through each day back then. 

Then the news finally came......Yes, it was cancer!  Now I had to come home.  I told Tim that day I need to go home NOW!  I'm sure he could hear it in my voice, I'm sure he could see it on my face.  I was scared!  My Mom needed me home, I needed to be with my Mom. 

I got to the hospital just in time to hear what the doctor had to say!  Not the news we wanted. I'm trying so hard not to cry, trying to be strong, that's what she was doing, I had to do it to.  I could cry later and I did.  I got up every day and went to the hospital and spent as much time with her as I could.  I loved every minute of it!  I didn't want to leave her, but I did and then got up and did it again the next day, just like so many other people did.  I stayed until after Thanksgiving.  But she wasn't well, she wasn't herself.  I still remember her walking to bed and needing help...it just hurt me so much to see her like that.  Now that is what I see when I think of Thanksgiving this year.  I can't get her out of my mind, not that I want to, but that is my last holiday with her.  That is also when she would usually come and visit us. 

Now leaving her was not easy.  We thought we had more time, but yet I still didn't want to go.  But I had the kids at home and I had to get them through Christmas and then we were all going to come back.  She was going to get to see them all.  She was so happy with the news.  But that's not how the story would go...............

This roller coaster just keeps me on it...it's a never ending ride.......maybe one day I will have more ups then downs!

The Mummy and the Cowgirl!

Cowgirl Emmie

Mummy Ty

Devin, Ty and Emmie

I just love her face in this picture...that is why I had to add it!



I love the back picture of the kids...always have to take one!

 Here we are again! Another Halloween come and gone!  This one was a little bit different then last year.  To begin with......this day last year reminds me of the start of us all really knowing that Mom was sick and not just sick but SICK!  From here on out it's all a big reminder of what we all went through.  Just thinking about what was going on in my Mom's mind at this time last year just hurts my heart so much.  I know she was scared and just really not understanding what was going on.  We were scared, so I'm sure she was scared. 

My Mom bought Emmie this little cowgirl outfit a couple summers ago.  I didn't have her wear it last year because Ty was Batman, which my Mom bought that costume for him, and I wanted Emmie to be Batgirl!  I thought that would be cute.  I think she might have been a little disappointed that Emmie didn't wear the cowgirl costume that year.  I could tell it in her voice when she asked what she was going to be.  But I'm so glad that she had that for this year!  It was just so nice to see her in it and know that Mom got it for her...kind of like a last gift for her.  It was just such a bitter sweet Halloween this year.  Someday she will realize what a gift this was and how important it was to me that she wore it this year.

Someone Special~

Today I'm changing it up......

I have been thinking of something or should I say someone for a long time, but I just didn't know if I should write about it.  Why you ask?  Well I guess it's not really my story to tell, but after thinking about it, I guess I'm not really telling their story I'm just telling you how I feel about this person.  This person is not only important to me but also important to my Mom and really to my whole family.

I have known her for a very long time, my whole life in fact.  I'm sure she has seen me at my worse and maybe at my best.  But she has always been there whenever I needed her, whenever we needed her.  She is one of those people that is always there for anyone that needs her.  You just don't find many people like that. 

She loved my Mom.  She misses my Mom.  We all miss my Mom, but I think she is having a really hard time with it all.  The crazy thing is she is now fighting the same crazy disease that took my Mom!  I hate that she has to go through all of this.  I know in my heart that it's going to be different this time.  Lyndsey said something the other day and it kind of made me think.  She said that maybe Mom had to go, so that she could save Barbara.  That sounds like something Mom would do.

So, now you know who I'm talking about.....but I'm sure you already knew!

Let me tell you a little more about her and the things she does.

While she is dealing with all her issues she still calls me to find out how my son is doing.  She has all her stuff to worry about, but here she is still thinking about Devin and me.  She will call me, when I should be the one calling her.  She just sent me a card telling me she was thinking about me.  This lady never stops thinking of others!  She has always done such wonderful things not only for my family but for everyone.  She always made sure that when we came home for the summer she would have a BBQ for us.  She would even send us off with a bag full of goodies!  She always makes the best goodies!  Devin loves her rice krispie treats! 

I wish that I was home.  I want to be home and help out in any way that I can, but I'm not home.  I'm here and everyone is there!  It seems like whenever this family needs me I'm not where I need to be!  I know you all can get along without me, but can I get along without you? 

I could go on and on about her...but I'm sure you all know just as well as I do what she is like and how she never stops.

I'm just so glad that my Mom and her were so close and we got to spend so much time with her and her family. 

You are Someone Special to so many~