Today I don't want to bother you with all my feelings, when I know that other people have bigger issues then I do. I'm sure you get tired of hearing me complain about how I'm still trying to get over everything. I know when I first started my Wednesday blogging I wanted it to be about my Mom and stories about her and some days I find myself telling you more about me then her. Sorry.....I think I just get a bit carried away sometimes and my mind tends to go places that I really didn't expect it to go and then it's done and the blog is posted and then I go back and look at it and think to myself, well that isn't what I really set out to write about. So, today I'll try and write a little story about my Mom.
But first of all I do want to say something..................................................................
I HATE BREAST CANCER!!!! There said it! I mean I don't like any cancer, but right now Breast cancer is at the top of my list!
Okay! That makes me feel a little better, not much, but a little! Sometimes you just need to say it.
When Mom came home from the hospital the first time I could tell she was a little nervous. She was going to be sleeping out in the front room. I asked her if she would like for me to sleep out there with her, she said no you don't need to do that. I said I will if you want me to , just let me know. A few hours later after everyone had left, she finally asked if I would sleep out there with her. I know that it must have been hard for her to ask that, but I didn't mind one bit. I wanted to be there if she needed anything, I wanted her to feel safe. She did wake me up a few times to get her water or to help her get up to go to the bathroom or just to talk. I would have stayed up all night if that is what she would have wanted me to do.
As the days went by and she seemed to be getting a little worse, she was having a hard time breathing, she was awake more and more at night. She would watch some TV, Desperate Housewives and talk some, but she didn't really say much. How I wish in those hours that we would have talked. I had so many hours with her, so many hours to tell her how I felt. But at that time we were still fighting this! She was still fighting this. She never gave up hope! Up until her last breath she was a fighter. She never wanted to give up.
She fought this crazy thing as best she could. I know that if we would have found it earlier she would be here. Because she is a fighter and she would have fought this. That is what I know for sure....she would be here with me and the rest of my family. She would be her to help us all deal with our issues and help others fight! We will win this fight.....for her we will win! We have to!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The truth~
I'm late!!!!! I'm sorry that I'm late at posting today! I usually like to post in the am, but Tim was home today and I just can't get much done when he is here.
Today I'm going to tell you the TRUTH!!!! The truth about how I'm doing and what I have been doing!!
First of all if any of you have been counting the months like I have then you know that it's been nine months! Nine months! Nine months since my Mom has been gone. Nine months since I last heard her voice. Nine long months of grieving and needing her more then ever. Nine months of putting all the pain that I feel way down deep and saying that I'm okay, when I'm not okay. When really all I want to do is curl up in my bed and just cry! Not just for me, but for everyone.
I think that I hide what I'm feeling from everyone else. I want them to think that I'm okay, that I'm getting over this. Don't get me wrong, I do have my good days and my bad days. But it's during the day when the kids are at school and I'm here by myself and you would think that I would be getting lots of things done, but I don't! I don't do anything. You would think that my house would be as clean as a whistle, what is stopping it from being clean? I have all day to clean, but nope I sit and I find other things to do, things to keep my mind busy, so I can't think. A couple of weeks ago, now this is embarrassing, I cleaned the bathrooms, and Emmie says to me, "Who is coming to visit?" Like that is the only reason that I would be cleaning the bathrooms! Now don't be thinking my house is a big mess....it's picked up...it's just not clean like it used to be! You would also think that with all this time on my hands I would be either working on cards or working on scrapbooks! I need to get my Moms done before the end of the year, but nope. What I do is sit here on the computer and watch silly reality shows, you know the good ones on MTV! Just so I don't have to think about my reality! I think that is why I do it, I don't want to think about me and my problems. I just can't do it. I don't want to do it. I want to go into someones else's world for awhile. But in the end I have to come back to reality...my reality.
So, the truth is that I'm sad~
Today I'm going to tell you the TRUTH!!!! The truth about how I'm doing and what I have been doing!!
First of all if any of you have been counting the months like I have then you know that it's been nine months! Nine months! Nine months since my Mom has been gone. Nine months since I last heard her voice. Nine long months of grieving and needing her more then ever. Nine months of putting all the pain that I feel way down deep and saying that I'm okay, when I'm not okay. When really all I want to do is curl up in my bed and just cry! Not just for me, but for everyone.
I think that I hide what I'm feeling from everyone else. I want them to think that I'm okay, that I'm getting over this. Don't get me wrong, I do have my good days and my bad days. But it's during the day when the kids are at school and I'm here by myself and you would think that I would be getting lots of things done, but I don't! I don't do anything. You would think that my house would be as clean as a whistle, what is stopping it from being clean? I have all day to clean, but nope I sit and I find other things to do, things to keep my mind busy, so I can't think. A couple of weeks ago, now this is embarrassing, I cleaned the bathrooms, and Emmie says to me, "Who is coming to visit?" Like that is the only reason that I would be cleaning the bathrooms! Now don't be thinking my house is a big mess....it's picked up...it's just not clean like it used to be! You would also think that with all this time on my hands I would be either working on cards or working on scrapbooks! I need to get my Moms done before the end of the year, but nope. What I do is sit here on the computer and watch silly reality shows, you know the good ones on MTV! Just so I don't have to think about my reality! I think that is why I do it, I don't want to think about me and my problems. I just can't do it. I don't want to do it. I want to go into someones else's world for awhile. But in the end I have to come back to reality...my reality.
So, the truth is that I'm sad~
Monday, September 13, 2010
Today it's my Birthday~
Today is my birthday...........................My first one without my Mom. Isn't it crazy that is how I think of everything now? Everything is a first. Kind of like when you have kids. They have all these firsts...now I'm having all these firsts and these firsts aren't good ones. I knew that this day was coming and I knew that it wasn't going to be easy. I know it's still early and I have a long day ahead of me, a long day to think of her and to think of what it would be like if she was still here.
First of all it's a Monday and I would have already got the call from her.
My day today has already started with a heavy reminder of why she isn't here. I had to go in for my 6 month Mammogram this morning and also had the ultrasound done. Would I have had that done today if she would have been here?
The results where that I have a complex cyst, I also I have some other cysts that are normal. The lady doing the ultrasound today was very nice and explained everything to me. She told me that you can see through the other cysts, but you can't see through the complex ones. They are kind of mushy inside or bloody. I know kind of not great words, but that is what she said. I have to go back in for another mammogram and ultrasound only on my right breast in another 6 months and if it has grown any more they will want to stick a needle in it! YIKES!! I guess they like to keep an eye on those type of cysts and also because of the breast cancer in the family they are also keeping a closer eye on things. I guess that's a good thing.
These next few months are going to be hard. We are all going to be going through our firsts. All of my sisters with our birthday's all so close. And then the big one.....My Moms birthday!
First of all it's a Monday and I would have already got the call from her.
My day today has already started with a heavy reminder of why she isn't here. I had to go in for my 6 month Mammogram this morning and also had the ultrasound done. Would I have had that done today if she would have been here?
The results where that I have a complex cyst, I also I have some other cysts that are normal. The lady doing the ultrasound today was very nice and explained everything to me. She told me that you can see through the other cysts, but you can't see through the complex ones. They are kind of mushy inside or bloody. I know kind of not great words, but that is what she said. I have to go back in for another mammogram and ultrasound only on my right breast in another 6 months and if it has grown any more they will want to stick a needle in it! YIKES!! I guess they like to keep an eye on those type of cysts and also because of the breast cancer in the family they are also keeping a closer eye on things. I guess that's a good thing.
These next few months are going to be hard. We are all going to be going through our firsts. All of my sisters with our birthday's all so close. And then the big one.....My Moms birthday!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
One more time~
First of all I'm sorry for not posting last week. My mind was on other things and I just couldn't do it. I did try, but it just wasn't coming out the way I wanted it to. Hopefully you will be able to forgive me....I think it's harder on me when I don't post, I feel bad. I feel like I'm doing an injustice to my Mom for not blogging about her.
Okay enough about that.....
Today I went to the library...I know I went again. You must think is that all I do. Well to be honest with you, I do read a lot and I do it to try and forget. Does it work? No, not really, but it does take the pain away for awhile. It makes me think I'm somewhere else, maybe in a perfect world where they don't have any problems. So, today after getting a few normal books, I go walking in a different section, I don't know why, just trying to see something different I guess. I'm in the biography section and I just happen to come across a book about a lady with breast cancer. I know you are thinking don't pick it up! Don't bring it home! I'm thinking the same thing! I of course take it off the shelf and take a good look at it and think to myself...do you really want to read it? I think to myself what can it hurt...I can always use a good cry. So, I go ahead and get it. I do have to tell you that I read it all today. It wasn't a big book, but it was good. It did make me think of my Mom, but the story wasn't the same. I mean the lady did have Breast cancer, but she found it early and was able to have it taken care of, not without a fight. The only thing that I wished for is that we would have found my Mom's early. How different our my world would be today!!
While reading I remembered a time in the hospital when she was feeling good. She wanted to go for a walk. I think that there was about five of us with her that night. We walked the halls for about 20 minutes or so and she loved it. She was using a walker, but she was up and walking, something she hadn't been able to do in a long time. I was so glad that I was able to be there and share that moment with her. We were all worried that she was going to wear herself out, but she didn't want to go back to her room. She wanted to see where everyone would wait to see her when she had a room full of people. She always had so many people waiting to see her. It was like you had to take a number to get in to see her. Some days I wish I could go back to those days when she was in the hospital. Those days when she was feeling so good. I remember one night when it was just Lanette, Leah, Lyndsey and me there. Everyone had left and she was just sitting in her bed and we were all just talking and she was flipping through her magazines and then she wanted us to clean up her room a bit. She didn't like it to be messy. It was kinda nice to have it just be us for a little bit. What I wouldn't do for another night like that. What I wouldn't do to walk those hospital halls again with her. What I wouldn't do to hear her voice just one more time.
Okay enough about that.....
Today I went to the library...I know I went again. You must think is that all I do. Well to be honest with you, I do read a lot and I do it to try and forget. Does it work? No, not really, but it does take the pain away for awhile. It makes me think I'm somewhere else, maybe in a perfect world where they don't have any problems. So, today after getting a few normal books, I go walking in a different section, I don't know why, just trying to see something different I guess. I'm in the biography section and I just happen to come across a book about a lady with breast cancer. I know you are thinking don't pick it up! Don't bring it home! I'm thinking the same thing! I of course take it off the shelf and take a good look at it and think to myself...do you really want to read it? I think to myself what can it hurt...I can always use a good cry. So, I go ahead and get it. I do have to tell you that I read it all today. It wasn't a big book, but it was good. It did make me think of my Mom, but the story wasn't the same. I mean the lady did have Breast cancer, but she found it early and was able to have it taken care of, not without a fight. The only thing that I wished for is that we would have found my Mom's early. How different our my world would be today!!
While reading I remembered a time in the hospital when she was feeling good. She wanted to go for a walk. I think that there was about five of us with her that night. We walked the halls for about 20 minutes or so and she loved it. She was using a walker, but she was up and walking, something she hadn't been able to do in a long time. I was so glad that I was able to be there and share that moment with her. We were all worried that she was going to wear herself out, but she didn't want to go back to her room. She wanted to see where everyone would wait to see her when she had a room full of people. She always had so many people waiting to see her. It was like you had to take a number to get in to see her. Some days I wish I could go back to those days when she was in the hospital. Those days when she was feeling so good. I remember one night when it was just Lanette, Leah, Lyndsey and me there. Everyone had left and she was just sitting in her bed and we were all just talking and she was flipping through her magazines and then she wanted us to clean up her room a bit. She didn't like it to be messy. It was kinda nice to have it just be us for a little bit. What I wouldn't do for another night like that. What I wouldn't do to walk those hospital halls again with her. What I wouldn't do to hear her voice just one more time.
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