Today I don't want to bother you with all my feelings, when I know that other people have bigger issues then I do. I'm sure you get tired of hearing me complain about how I'm still trying to get over everything. I know when I first started my Wednesday blogging I wanted it to be about my Mom and stories about her and some days I find myself telling you more about me then her. Sorry.....I think I just get a bit carried away sometimes and my mind tends to go places that I really didn't expect it to go and then it's done and the blog is posted and then I go back and look at it and think to myself, well that isn't what I really set out to write about. So, today I'll try and write a little story about my Mom.
But first of all I do want to say something..................................................................
I HATE BREAST CANCER!!!! There said it! I mean I don't like any cancer, but right now Breast cancer is at the top of my list!
Okay! That makes me feel a little better, not much, but a little! Sometimes you just need to say it.
When Mom came home from the hospital the first time I could tell she was a little nervous. She was going to be sleeping out in the front room. I asked her if she would like for me to sleep out there with her, she said no you don't need to do that. I said I will if you want me to , just let me know. A few hours later after everyone had left, she finally asked if I would sleep out there with her. I know that it must have been hard for her to ask that, but I didn't mind one bit. I wanted to be there if she needed anything, I wanted her to feel safe. She did wake me up a few times to get her water or to help her get up to go to the bathroom or just to talk. I would have stayed up all night if that is what she would have wanted me to do.
As the days went by and she seemed to be getting a little worse, she was having a hard time breathing, she was awake more and more at night. She would watch some TV, Desperate Housewives and talk some, but she didn't really say much. How I wish in those hours that we would have talked. I had so many hours with her, so many hours to tell her how I felt. But at that time we were still fighting this! She was still fighting this. She never gave up hope! Up until her last breath she was a fighter. She never wanted to give up.
She fought this crazy thing as best she could. I know that if we would have found it earlier she would be here. Because she is a fighter and she would have fought this. That is what I know for sure....she would be here with me and the rest of my family. She would be her to help us all deal with our issues and help others fight! We will win this fight.....for her we will win! We have to!
3 comments:
Lori,
I think you should make your blog about whatever you want and whatever you are feeling at the time. You don't complain and you don't bother anyone. You are just trying to work through everything and however you do it is just fine!
I agree with Christine. You write about whatever you want to write about! And, since you never, ever make anything just about you (and never have!) maybe this can be your time.
Losing someone is a very personal thing. I think writing about it has to help in some way. Don't stop doing it.
The fact that you got to stay up all night with your mom, even if you didn't talk is wonderful. You can't have any regrets about any of the time you spent with her.
And, you are absolutely right! I HATE breast cancer. I am so angry right now that I can barely breath most of the time. It's all I can think of. I know my mom is a fighter and will get through this, but the disease is awful! It's not fair. Our family has been through so much. Grandma has been through so much. Again, it's not fair!
If my mom ever needed your mom, it's now. I know she talks to her all the time. And, I know it helps her.
Yes Lori...it's your blog. Please write anything you want to write. I know for sure it helps me to see how you are feeling...and lots of times I think "that's exactly how I feel". You have to work through your grief, and I think this is one little way of doing that. I know it's not a cure all by any means, but it just helps getting it out there.
I have been putting up my middle finger to lots of things lately and breast cancer is one of them. I have had this ONE thought going through my head in the last week. It's just that I know Mom. I know she wouldn't have wanted to go the way she did. I know that in my heart. She wouldn't have wanted to go out like that. I keep thinking it over and over. So breast cancer, you will NOT break this family.
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