The truth~

I'm late!!!!!  I'm sorry that I'm late at posting today! I usually like to post in the am, but Tim was home today and I just can't get much done when he is here. 

Today I'm going to tell you the TRUTH!!!!  The truth about how I'm doing and what I have been doing!! 

First of all if any of you have been counting the months like I have then you know that it's been nine months!  Nine months!  Nine months since my Mom has been gone.  Nine months since I last heard her voice.  Nine long months of grieving and needing her more then ever.  Nine months of putting all the pain that I feel way down deep and saying that I'm okay, when I'm not okay.  When really all I want to do is curl up in my bed and just cry! Not just for me, but for everyone.

 I think that I hide what I'm feeling from everyone else.  I want them to think that I'm okay, that I'm getting over this.  Don't get me wrong, I do have my good days and my bad days.  But it's during the day when the kids are at school and I'm here by myself and you would think that I would be getting lots of things done, but I don't!  I don't do anything.  You would think that my house would be as clean as a whistle, what is stopping it from being clean?  I have all day to clean, but nope I sit and I  find other things to do, things to keep my mind busy, so I can't think.  A couple of weeks ago, now this is embarrassing, I cleaned the bathrooms, and Emmie says to me, "Who is coming to visit?"  Like that is the only reason that I would be cleaning the bathrooms!  Now don't be thinking my house is a big mess....it's picked up...it's just not clean like it used to be!  You would also think that with all this time on my hands I would be either working on cards or working on scrapbooks!  I need to get my Moms done before the end of the year, but nope.  What I do is sit here on the computer and watch silly reality shows, you know the good ones on MTV!  Just so I don't have to think about my reality!  I think that is why I do it, I don't want to think about me and my problems. I just can't do it.  I don't want to do it.  I want to go into someones else's world for awhile.  But in the end I have to come back to reality...my reality. 

So, the truth is that I'm sad~