Those she left behind~

My Dad~

Who I know is missing her so much. His life has been turned upside down. Nothing is the same for him. His daily routine has changed, from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed, nothing is the way it was, or the way it is supposed to be. Seeing him with her while she was in the hospital made me see him in a new light. He was so good to her, so sweet with her. I'm sure it was so hard for him to have to deal with all that and now to deal with her gone and to deal with the every day life without her.


Her Mother, my Grandma~

What Mother thinks that in her lifetime she will have to say goodbye to two of her daughters? I'm sure for Grandma that thought never came to her mind. Both of them meant so much to her. I know how close my Mom was to my Grandma and I know that it must have broke my Moms heart to have to leave her. I know that she must have been thinking...who is going to take over for me? Who is going to take her out on Fridays? I know that for Grandma she must be hurting so much, missing her so much.

Barbara, her sister~

They were not only sisters, they were really great friends, Best friends! They did a lot together. What didn't they do together! They worked together, vacationed together, shared many great times together. During the summer months they were either at each others house on each others porches enjoying the outside, doing what they enjoyed, having a few beer's, having dinner, enjoying each others company. That is what true friendship is. The greatest thing about their relationship is that my Mom left Barbara here for us. She is here when we need her. I'm so grateful for her and thankful that I know if I ever need anything, she is here for me and my family.

Her Grandkids~

Can I even begin to explain what these kids will miss out on? No, I don't think that I can. I know that each of them are dealing with this loss in their own way. It's hard to lose your Grandma and to lose her so fast. For my youngest two they didn't get the chance to tell her goodbye. They didn't see her when she was so sick and in the hospital, maybe that's good, I don't know. All I know is that they are all missing out. They are all missing out on one of the most thoughtful, loving, kind hearted and giving Grandmas. They were all so very lucky to have had her in their life, I just wish that they could have had her for many more years. She was always thinking of them. I know that it must of hurt her so to know that she was leaving them behind.

Her Daughters~ Lanette, Leah, Lyndsey and Me~

Now this is where it gets tricky! All of us girls are dealing with this in our own way. I'm dealing with my loss by blogging and trying to get by day to day. Is it working? No, not really, but I'm trying. I don't think that I will ever get over her being gone. I can't seem to get over the fact that the phone will not ring, that she won't make that Monday morning call. I still to this day walk into my house and look at the machine to see if there is a message from her when I have been out in the morning. She was the only one that would call me that early in the morning, I knew if it was blinking that it was her. I do have to tell you that I'm jealous of the fact that everyone else got to see her and sometimes I can only talk about our phone calls. I know that we got to talk about a lot and got to share somethings that maybe we wouldn't have shared by talking so much...but I think that I missed out. I really wish that I could have seen her more, had more memories of her, more memories of her with the kids. It just depresses me so much that I don't have that. I know that we were all lucky to have had her for as long as we did, but it just wasn't long enough for me. I know that my sisters miss her just as much as I do and what makes this harder for me is that I'm here and they are there.



Mom....you are missed more then you would have ever guessed~

Disappear~

Do you ever just want to disappear? Well, I do and when I do I seem to go into books. I have been doing that since my Mom passed away. I have been reading a lot, trying to forget, trying to get my mind to think of something else. Does it work? Maybe for awhile, but as soon as I put the book down it comes back in full force.

The reason I'm bringing this up is because yesterday I went to the local library to get some books and I went to the new book section first and picked up a author that I have read before and just looked at the inside cover and it looked like something I would enjoy.

Jane Green is her name and the book is Called "Promises to Keep".It's a fiction book, doesn't say anything about it being about cancer, I thought it was going to be a good old book about romance. I started reading it and got into it and before you know it she is a Breast Cancer Survivor...I'm thinking that's good, but as the story continues....and everything is just going along way good....it hits!!! She is sick again! In the hospital and everything is just like my Mom. I can not put the book down as tears are running down my face. From the way she is drinking from a cup with a straw and everyone is having to help her. The way everyone is feeling and the way she is not giving up. It's all to real, all to familiar! For the last half of the book if I don't have tears running down my face I have a big lump in my throat. It was hard to read, but I had to finish it.

If you ever feel like crying over a good book...this is a good one for that very purpose.

The things she says~

Here we are again today........

Today I'm having a hard time getting started. I had something that I wanted to write about this morning and I still will, but I first of all wanted to write a little thing about family. It's come to my attention that I was taken off a certain members Facebook friend list because of some things that have been going on at home. I'm a little taken back that I was taken off, being that I just got put back on! I'm also taken back because that is the only way this one family member would ever know anything about me or my family or see any pictures of my kids being that we live over 2,ooo miles away. I guess that doesn't matter to this said family member. What can I say? I of course am a little upset that my family has no meaning to them. Do I just let it go and do nothing....or do I say something? I'm usually not the person to do anything about things and just let them solve them self, but life is too short to let things go by. I would think that after everything that has happened to our family that this person would understand that family is family. I have had a hard time this morning thinking of a way to solve this problem and trying to figure out a way around it.


The things she says~

It amazes me what my Little girl knows and understands. The other day we went and got her a couple of new earrings, she has got to the eight week mark and is now able to change her earrings. She was very happy about that. So, we of course were in Claire's for a little while, can you see it, Ty and Devin in Claire's with a bunch of girls??? It was funny, they really just wanted to wait outside! Anyways.....Emmie had to see everything! Had to pick the very cutest pair! Finally Tim told her to hurry up and pick the ones she wanted, we could have been there for another hour if she had her way! She got 3 pairs, a green turtle pair, a cupcake pair and some pink little cross's. Later that night she came home and told Tim that she got the cross's for Grandma Debbi. When Tim told me that it brought tears to my eyes.

Yesterday Emmie was in her room for a long time. I thought she was with Ty watching TV, but come to find out she was in her room drawing a picture. She showed me the picture and she says it's a picture of you, me and Grandma Debbi and she wrote on the top of it, " I love my Mom and Grandma." Okay, again with the tears. Will they ever stop?

I know now that she is thinking about her, more then I know. She is the one that talks about her, more then the boys. She is the one that sees me and notices it when I'm upset and will make a point to come over and give me a hug. She tells me all the time how much she misses Grandma Debbi. I think girls just can get their feeling's out a little bit better then the boys can.

I can't wait to see what she says next~

The Question

The question was asked from Lyndsey's blog and she asked, " If you could talk to them, them meaning the person that you lost, what would you say to them?" Hmm, that question kind of took me by surprise. What would I say to my Mom? Like Lyndsey said in her blog we weren't the I love you kind of family, but knowing what I do now I still think that I would have told her that I loved her very much and that my life will never be the same without her. But after thinking about it a lot last night I know now what I would have told her.

I would have started it off by telling her that I'm sorry! I'm sorry for living so far away, even though she new that I hated every minute that I was away from every one. She new that this wasn't where I really wanted to be. I wanted to have my family home where we could be around our families. I'm sorry that she didn't get a chance to see her grandchildren grow up. I'm sorry that we missed all the family dinners and holidays. I'm sorry that she only got to see us every other summer. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most!

All she ever wanted was for us to be home. That would have made her so happy. I know that she really enjoyed it when we were all together, when we were all home! She loved doing things for the kids and would remember everything. They were never far from her mind, she would go to garage sales and buy things for them and send them just because, no reason. Just because she knew that they would enjoy it or that they liked it. She knew them inside and out. The kids would get so excited when they knew I was talking to her on the phone and would just sit there and bug me to talk. Did she know how much she meant to all of us? I wonder if she really knew that. Did she know that her not being her would turn our world upside down? Did she know that she is the one that made this family a family? I hope so.......I just hope she left this world knowing how important she was to so many people.

I would have told her how sorry I'm and how important she was to so many people. She was not only a Mother to me but also my friend.

I do remember when I got to the Ray Hickey House that first night and my Dad telling her........"Your girls are all here now." And she smiled!

Changes~

Today the kids went back to school. Last year at this time I was most likely talking to my Mom telling her about the kids and how the morning went, but this year it's different and from here on out it will be different. I won't get to tell her what outfit they had on and how their first day went. How excited they were or maybe how they weren't excited. It's just changed.....


I was filling out the kids forms for school. We have to fill them out every year and I always put my Mom down as the emergency contact. We don't know anyone here that we can really put down, so I always put her down. She was most likely home and I knew that they would either get a hold of Tim or I so I really didn't need to worry about it, so I always just put her down. But this year I couldn't put her down! That was another change! Oh, how I'm not liking changes!!!


I know how we go through many changes in our life, but it seems like in this last (one day short) eight months I have gone through so many changes. Some I never expected to go through at this time and some that I really have grown to dislike.

My kids on their first day of school! How I wish my Mom could see them. Look how much they have grown in just a year. All the changes that they have went through! I'm so mad that she had to die. I just can't even imagine these kids growing up without her. How will I explain to them what a wonderful Grandma she was? Will they remember her? I know that Devin will, but what about Emmie? She is so young! I can only tell them and show them so much. I just hope that one day they will know how important she was not only to me, but to them.

Her Dreams~

Today I thought I would do something a little different. I always write about how I'm feeling...so today I thought I would write about what she was feeling and what she wanted to do....more or less her dream~

I'm sure you all know what she loved doing.....decorating. She could make something out of nothing. Now don't we all wish we had that talent. I look at my blank wall....yes I still have a blank wall in my house after living in it for over five years...and I know that she would have had that filled up in less then two days if this was her house. She could do anything. Yes, she sometimes may have put up a little too much, but she made it look good. No, we could never do that, but she could. She could look at something in a stack of things and know what would look good together, but me......that just doesn't happen. I look at it and I get nothing! That's why when I lived at home I would always call her up when it came time to do all that and I think she liked it. I think she enjoyed it that everyone needed her help and guidance in that area. It is hard being so far away and not having that...that is why my wall is still blank.....I didn't have her here to help me.

On to her dream. Her and I had talked about it in the last few years that she would like to have her own Antique shop. She loved going to them and she loved talking to the ladies that ran them. Grandma and Mom just looked forward to their Friday's were they would visit them and then on the the garage sales. Where of course Mom found everything good! The ladies that she met just loved her and Grandma. I went with them on a few Fridays when I was in town and it was fun to see her light up when she doing what she loved to do. She would also tell me about her projects that she was working on or her ideas. I loved hearing about them and I knew that if anyone could do it, she could have.

I wish that she could have made her dream come true, but if you think about it...in a way she did. She had her very own Antique shop in her house. It is her, it's just the way she wanted it. When I was home, after she passed away, I wanted to take a picture of everything. I was so scared that maybe something might change before I come back again and I don't want that. I want it to stay the same, just like she left it, the way she wanted it. Her stuff that she bought and thought about. She picked everything out and made it to her liking. It was her. It's all we have left, besides our memories. It's a place that we can go and remember her and know that this place is her....her home! Her Dream~