Devin, Ty and Emmie

I just wanted to post some pictures of my wonderful kids. The all mean the world to me and each of them holds a very special place in my heart! My beautiful girl, Emmie! She makes me smile every day, she also has a mind of her own at such an early age.

My handsom boys! They are so very different from each other, but that's the way I like it.

They are my heart and the reason that I go on every day. I love you guys more then anything!

Batman & Batgirl

I know it's a little late for Halloween, but I'm going to post something a little different today. I wanted to post some pictures of kids. I haven't done that in awhile. Ty got this Halloween costume from my Mom this summer and I thought it would be perfect if Emmie dressed up as Batgirl. She was all for it. I think they both looked pretty darn cute, even though we couldn't get a smile out of batman, but then I guess when you are busy saving the city of Lexington, you just don't have time to smile!

A Daughters Promise

Every time that I smile,

Every time that I sigh,

I think of your face

and a tear escapes my eye.



You were my world,

My insperation and my heart,

But when you left,

I thought I would fall apart.



You were my best friend,

My one true confidante,

And that's not all you were,

You were also my Mom.



I didn't want to live without you,

But you would have wanted me to.
And if there is anyone I want to make happy,
That anyone is you.



I would have given anything to have you back,
But I know that it was meant to be,

For you are still watching from up there,

and I know that you are watching me.



I'll make you proud Mom,

I'm going to fulfill your wish,

You're going to see me and smile,

That's a Daughter's promise.





I love this poem and it just makes me think of you Mom! I hope that one day I will be happy again!

How did I get here?

Do you ever just get to where you are going and then ask yourself how did I get here? That seems to happen to me all the time now days. I'll be driving in the car and I'll start to think, I don't know why that seems to be my thinking place. Maybe because I'm alone or some thing just comes to my mind. It happened this morning as I was going to get my grocery shopping done. I got to the store and I wondered how on earth did I get here? Lets just hope that I didn't run any red lights!

I was busy thinking this morning about, well you guessed it my Mom. For the last few days I have been really thinking about her, more then I normally do, which is a lot. I have so many questions that I want to ask her and she just isn't here to answer them.

Here are a few of the questions.

1. Emmie wants to get her hair cut, she wants to get it cut short! YIKES!! I know! What would she say to that. I of course don't want it short, not yet!

2. It's Dad's birthday, what should we get him? He is so hard to buy for and I really want to get him something he can use this year.


Other times I just want to tell her about what is going on here with the kids. She was always so interested in what they were doing. Emmie is getting ready to play T-ball. She would have wanted to hear all about that. She would have wanted pictures. I just really needed to talk to her this week, why this week more then any other week? I just need to hear her voice, I have it on the answering machine, but I just can't bring myself to play it. Not today.

Winter Coat~

I was thinking the other day as I was putting Emmie's coat on, that my Mom had got her this coat. She had told me about it when she bought it at a garage sale and said how cute it was and she couldn't wait for me to see it when we came home during the summer. Then I got to thinking that she has been the one to get Emmie all her winter coats since she has been born. Then it brought on the tears.....now I'll be the one to have to get them. Not that I don't want to get them, it was just that my Mom liked to get them and they were always a little old fashioned. Just like my Mom liked. Wherever we went someone would always say how cute Emmie's coat was. Just the other day we were at the grocery store and we weren't even looking at the lady, we were turned the other way and she had to get our attention just to tell us how much she liked Emmie's coat. It was always like that. Last year it was her pink furry coat! I guess you could say my Mom loved coats. She also liked to keep the kids warm!

Now will I ever think of a winter coat the same way?

My Gold~

This morning I went through my last box of pictures. You see I have been searching for pictures of my Mom. I would pull out pictures even if she was in the background! I have to have them ALL!!! They are so very important to me. Today was a sad day because I realized I don't have any more! It's been helping me by keeping busy and now no more searching for me. I won't be able to get all excited when I see her face in a picture that I found. It was like I was finding gold when I found a picture of her. I treasure each and every single one. I just wish that she would have let us take more pictures of her. She just didn't like to have her picture taken.

But the thing is I also don't like my picture taken. When I looked in the box I noticed that I had plenty of Tim and the kids, but not so many of me with the kids. What will they think one day when I'm gone? I want them to have as many memories as they can. I know sometimes I'm not looking my best, but will the kids really care? No, they will just want a picture to remember the time we went to this or that place. Or when we were just hanging out at home. I promise from this day forward to let pictures get taken of me! I'll also have to tell Tim to take the picture, he's not so good at thinking about taking the picture.

I went home in February of last year to celebrate my Dads 6oth birthday and for some reason, Steve, Becky's husband wanted to snap a couple of pictures of my Mom and me. I was thinking at the time, boy do I not want these taken. Not because I didn't want pictures with my Mom....I just don't like pictures of me. But I did it anyways and I'm so glad that I have them. One didn't turn out so I won't put that on here. It's good of my Mom, but of course I'm making a silly face. That's why I don't like pictures taken of me, I'm always doing something silly. Crazy eyes or my mouth is funny. Anyways, these pictures are now more special to me then ever. Thanks Steve for taking these pictures!

It's My Gold~

A life Changing Moment~

You just never think that your life can change in a blink of an eye, but sometimes it does. My life changed on December 12, 2009. My Mom (best friend) passed away from breast cancer. It happend so fast that as I sit here today writing this I still can't believe that she is gone. I might have to go back and explain how it all happened. I'll give you the short story. She started not feeling well in October, well that is when she told us she wasn't feeling well and if you knew my Mom then you knew that she really wasn't feeling well if she told you that and if she wasn't doing anything that wasn't like her. She was a go getter, she didn't like to sit around, she was always busy doing something. So, anyways she finally went to the doctor and after a week of no news and not really feeling good at all, she finally went to the hospital. After a few days we got the news.....it was cancer! It was in her breast and also her liver. I was here in Kentucky trying to deal with it all and not doing well with all the news. My kids were kind of getting used to me crying. I finally told Tim that I HAD to go home and see her. Got on the plane two days later and flew in to hear the doctor tell us the news. It wasn't good, she had stage 4 and there really wasn't much that they could do for her without hurting her. Mom took the news really well. She took everything well, she was so nice to everyone. The nurses loved her! She never complained about anything, we were the ones complaining. She did get to go home and I got to spend the next week taking care of her during the night. I wanted to do what I could before I had to leave. I felt so good about being there for those days. The best thing is that the night before I left she said to me "I just don't know what I'm going to do without you, you have been such a great help". I'll never forget that. The doctor had given us a 3 month window for her and we were planing on coming home for Christmas, but not five days later I would be back on a plane. That was the worst plane ride ever! I didn't know if she was going to be there when I got there or not.

Devin and I arrived on a Tuesday night and she was very happy to see us. She was very quiet and just wasn't herself. She wasn't talking much and just wanted to sleep a lot. It was very hard to see her like that. But all I wanted to do was be with her. Those next few days went very fast. We would get up early in the morning and go up to the Hospice house and stay until around dinner time. By then she was ready for us to leave. She needed to sleep, she had company all day long. It was so hard to leave her.

The nurse told us on Friday that she was in the last stage and she didn't know how much longer it was going to be. Lyndsey and I got up early that Saturday morning and went to the hospice house. That was the saddest day of my life! The day I had to say goodbye to my Mom. We all got to say goodbye to her, I know I didn't say everything I wanted to tell her. How could you say goodbye in five minutes......I wanted her to say goodbye to me. I wanted her to tell me that she loved me. I wanted her to stay! That's what I really wanted. I needed her to stay!!!

As of yesterday she has been gone a month. I can't believe it. I still expect the phone to ring and hear her voice, but it doesn't. The thing about it is that the phone doesn't ring anymore. She used to call me and now the phone just sits and doesn't ring during the day. I sit and I wait....but no ring! What am I going to do without her? I think about the future and Devin, Ty and Emmie. They won't have her around for all those special moments. I'm sure she would have come out here for Devin's high school graduation in a few years, she would have been so proud of him. What about Ty, she said she wanted to come out this year and watch him play baseball, now she won't be able to do that. And then there's Emmie....she loved her so much and looked forward to spending time with her and I think about her and it just makes me so sad.

It's Just a LIfe Changing Moment~