Today is the day!

Well......today is the day that I go in for my surgery! YIKES!!! I do have to tell you that I'm a little nervous. I think I'm more nervous for the post surgery, the after I get home part! I just hate not feeling good and the not knowing part. That's the really scary part for me. I have heard so many stories on the Internet and all of them are so different. I would like to walk out of there feeling like I walked in. I know...not going to happen like that, but I can dream can't I?

Before going to sleep last night I did think about my Mom and wish that she was here, or that I could at least talk to her before going in. She just always made me feel better, isn't that what Moms do? That's what she did for me. I don't know how many times I called her just so I could hear her say that it was okay and everything was going to be fine. That is how she was...she always took the positive side on everything. I always needed that. So, today when I need it, she isn't here to give it to me, to tell me that everything is going to be fine. But maybe she is with me today. I will be a positive thinker and think that she is here with me and helping me through this.

Wish me luck!

Young Achievers Nomination

I come home yesterday to find a letter in the mailbox telling us that Ty has been nominated for the Young Achievers Award. It's a pretty big thing here in Lexington. I remember seeing these pictures up at the beginning of the school year in the school of about 10 kids with letters attached to them talking about themselves and thinking to myself, that those parents must be very proud of them. Come to find out my son is going to be one of those kids! Talk about a "wow" moment!

He will have to go and get his picture taken and they also talk about something to do with the media...not really sure what that means, but it sounds pretty good. He also has a chance to win a $1000 savings bond! I guess one student from each school will win, but the $1000 will only be awarded to the top winner.

One of my first thoughts was that I wanted to call my Mom. She would have been so happy and so proud of him. I know lots of people will be, but I wanted to hear her voice yesterday and see what she thought of it.

He was very excited when I told him the news. He thinks it's pretty cool. Now all we have to do is fill out the forms and get them turned in and get his picture taken. Then I guess we just wait it out. I think it's a long wait. I don't think we will know anything until next year! But that's okay...I can wait!

Searching~

I always come down here knowing what I'm going to write about and usually I end up writing something totally different then what I had originally planned, lets see how this one goes. I have a lot on my mind this a.m. and I'm not really sure that I can get it down the way that I want or the way that it sounds good, make sense? I hope so.

I have been a little mad these last few days...not mad at anyone, just mad that my Moms not here. I hear people talking about their Moms and I sometimes don't really want to hear the stories. Does that make me a bad person? I don't want to be like that. I don't want them not to have a Mom...I guess I just want them to know how lucky they are. I hear stories at work and sometimes they complain that they had to do this or that for their Mom and I just wish that I could do something for my Mom. I get so mad!!! I'm sorry maybe I'm just letting everything get to me and I really shouldn't.

Okay...on to another subject.

As for searching.......

I got the pictures of Colby's birthday party and all I seemed to be thinking about is my Mom and I kept searching for her in the pictures. She was always in the background and I could see her that way. I loved getting pictures from everyone so that I could somehow be a part of it even though I wasn't there. I missed seeing her and I missed that she wasn't there for everyone. I know how hard that day was for the family. We all have so many firsts to go through and it's just very hard. I just never thought that this would be my life. That I would be doing it without her so early. I always thought that she would be here for all the little things in life. But she's not and I just can't seem to get that through my head. What am I going to do without her?

I just hope that she knew how important she was to all of us. I hope she left this world knowing that she was loved by many and was going to be missed so much.

Will I ever stop searching?

Coconut Cream Pie!

I know your thinking that sure is a funny title! But maybe when you hear my story you will understand why I picked it.

Last night we went out to dinner to celebrate Ty's birthday. Tim was out of town and ended up getting home really late Saturday because of some plane issues....so anyways, Ty picked a place down the road from our house called BIG BOYS. It's kind of like a Denny's , the kids can get what they like and they have really good desserts.

We are all done eating and Tim tells the kids they can all pick out a dessert...I usually don't get a dessert because Ty usually gets the coconut cream pie and I will have a few bites of his, but last night he picked a hot fudge cake. So, I got the coconut cream pie to go. I then tell the kids that it was Grandmas favorite. Ty says, "I didn't know that Grandma liked that". It's funny how little things can bring on memories. I remember getting my Mom a pie for her birthday one year, because I knew that she really liked them.

Tim and I start to talk about her and then the tears come out and I'm just a little shocked that talking about pie can make me cry. I mean it wasn't an all out cry...I was trying to hold it in a little since we were out and I didn't want to upset the kids.

As for the pie........it still sits in the fridge.

Candle party~

While Mom was in the hospital Darlene showed her a Martha Stewart magazine and it had a craft idea in it where you go to decorate a candle in a Christmas kind of theme. Mom really liked it and said that she wanted to do that when she got out of the hospital.

It was only going to be a few people...but Mom kept inviting more and more people. She just wanted everyone to be there. She still wasn't feeling herself, so we ended up having it at Barbara's house. And if you know Barbara it turned into a little more then decorating candles.....we had food and drinks also! It was very nice and fun. We did have a little trouble finding candles.....after all it was Christmas time.

Mom really enjoyed herself while she was there. She just wasn't able to stay as long as she would to have liked to stay. She would just get so tired and then have to go home and sleep for awhile. It was so hard to see her like that. She was always the last one to leave....she was either having lots of fun or she was helping clean up.

I think back to that day and know that I will remember it forever. I know that everyone did it for my Mom that day. They knew that we wouldn't have very many more days with her and they wanted to make every day count, I know that I did.

Now whenever I see a candle burning I think of her.

Blog change~

I changed up the blog a little bit......do you like it? I do! I thought it looked more like something my Mom would like. A little more pretty and a little pink in it.

Can you believe that it's been three months? I can't! I miss her more every day! I still can't believe that she is gone. I sometimes think that this is all a bad dream and I'm going to wake up and she will call me and I will tell her about it! But it' not .....is it?

In a few days we will be celebrating Ty's birthday and It's just another reminder that she isn't here. I know it was just a phone call, but it is a phone call that is greatly missed by me and the kids. I then start to think about the rest of the family, like Colby's birthday party coming up. I know that it's going to be hard for the rest of the family. They will all surly miss her not being there and I know how hard it's going to be for Lyndsey.

Mammogram #2

I went in this am for my second mammogram. I guess that I do have the dense breast tissue and I also had two areas of concern that they wanted to look at. She only had to take two slides, one on each breast. So that made it a little easier and again it wasn't all that painful for me...I'm not going to say it won't be painful for you, because everyone handles pain a little differently. I'm just hoping that it won't be painful for you all. Anyways.......I go and wait to see if I will need to get an other tests while I'm there. She had told me that if everything looked good they might not have to do an ultrasound.


I'm waiting and waiting and waiting...........................................................................................................


Then I finally hear my name called....it's a different lady this time. I thought they were just going to take me back and talk to me. Nope....going in for an ultrasound. Yes, I do have to admit I was a little bit scared at this point. Maybe not scared but concerned???

I get that test done. I then have to wait in the room and she is going to go and talk to the doctor about the ultrasound. Again I'm waiting and waiting. Don't you just hate waiting??

Come to find out I have a cyst in one of my breasts. Not really sure what that means in the long run. But now instead of coming in every year, I will have to go in every six months.

This is what my paper says:

Your Examinations demonstrate findings, which require a shorter follow-up time than the standard yearly exam.

Looking at it now not only do I have to have a mammogram but also a ultrasound! I didn't notice that until now! Do you think this is ever going to end???

Emmie's story~

Today I'm just having a really tuff time. So I thought I would just tell a little story that Emmie said about my Mom a few weeks ago.


I was doing her hair in the morning and she asks me if I can french fry her hair....I know your thinking....WHAT??? Well, when we were home last summer while Ty was in the hospital my Mom did Emmies hair and she french braided it, but for some reason Emmie called it french fried. It was pretty cute at the time and Mom loved that Emmie loved it and wanted her to do her hair every day. Mom tried to show me how...but no I can't do it. She lost me as soon as she started doing it.

Emmie was pretty upset then that Grandma won't be able to french fry her hair. It was sad and Emmie did start to cry a little bit as did I.

I know not much of a post today. Just kinda down in the dumps and didn't want to bring you all with me!

But I did want to tell you that I do love to see your comments. Hopefully next Wednesday I'll have a little more for you. I'm sure I'll post something on Friday after my 2nd mammogram and Ultrasound.

Fast Forward!

Okay.......so I think I would like to push the fast forward button! How far do I want to go? I'm not so sure. I just know that I want to feel like my old self again. But then I think.... will that really help? UGH!!!! As you can tell I kind of had a bad weekend! My Mom was on my mind a lot, I'm not sure why this weekend was worse then any other weekend. I would see her picture and I would just get all teary eyed. Then I would remember little bits and pieces of when she was sick and then it was all over! Just not a good weekend!

I'm just needing her to tell me that everything is going to be all right. Even though I know it is...I just need to hear it from her. I know that she would be here for me when I'm going to have the surgery, not that I need anyone here, she would just want to be here. She would want to make sure that everything was taken care of. It's just hard not having your Mom. All you Moms know what it's like. You want to be there for your kids and that is how she was. She might not have said it all the time, but I know that's how she felt.

Maybe what I really want is a rewind button?????

Surgery :(

Okay looks like I'll be going under the knife! YIKES!! I'm not so sure that I like that!

Talked to the doctor yesterday and he said that yes I do have gallbladder disease. I don't have any stones in it, which is good, but they do need to take it out before it gets any worse. It won't get better is what he pretty much told us. He said it's a pretty easy surgery and it should be pretty simple as long as everything goes well. I guess they always have to say that. But he says it looks pretty good from my tests and what he could feel in my belly. Nothing else going on in there!

I go in on March 31st. That is actually a good time. We got to pick the date! I thought it would be good to pick the kids spring break. Tim can take a few days off of work to help out and if he had to run to work or something they could help out! They would love that. I do feel kinda bad about ruining their spring break....but what can you do??? The good thing is that I won't miss any work either! He said that most people are ready to go back to work in 5-10 days and I'm pretty sure I'll be ready to go back in the 5 days. It will be 6 days by the time Tuesday rolls around. I'm sure I'll be more then ready to get out of the house!!

Well, that's about it on that update. Next week is the mammogram and ultrasound. Are you just getting tired of all this??? Well, I'm!!! LOL!!!

Monday Mornings~

My Monday mornings just aren't the same anymore. I used to look forward to them and now I don't know what to do with my Mondays. Mondays were the days that I would get in my long talks with my Mom. We usually wouldn't talk over the weekend because I was busy with the kids and she was busy doing her stuff, so Mondays was our day to catch up.

If I had errands to do in the morning I would try and have it all done and be home before 10 o'clock my time. Then I could call her when I got home. I still look at the clock when I'm out and I think oh it's after ten and Mom should be up now. But then I have to back track and think no.....that's not it. I can't call her when I get home or there won't be a message on my machine from her saying she was just calling to see what I was doing and to call her back when I get a chance.

Sometimes it would be a race to see who would call who first. She would say I was just going to call you! That would happen every time. What I would give for another phone call and hear her say I was just going to call you!!!

Most Mondays we would talk for at least 45 minutes to an hour. What did we talk about? Too many things to even name. Those conversations mean the world to me and how I wish I still had my Monday morning talks with my Mom. Of course I still have the last message she left me on my answering machine...but I still can't play it. I want to hear her voice, but it's when she was telling me about her doctors appointment and for me not to worry , because she knows how I'm. I have to hurry and get to the next messages because I know that if I hear it .....it's just going to break my heart, not that it's not already broken!