It's Happening~

Well, it's happening......Going through my Moms stuff!

Well, I'm not going through it.  I'm not able to do it... I know that I don't need to tell you why...you all know why.

 It's a little depressing that I can't be involved with it.  That I can't sit and go through everything.  Not just because I want some of her things, but because I want to sit there and I want to remember her.  I want to remember her in those things.  I want to sit there and see her in my mind...wearing those clothes...those clothes that she picked out.  Those clothes that she most likely got for a really good price.  Maybe I'm crazy......................But that's really what I want. 

It's just really hard to explain how after all this time I still feel so lost with out her.  Not that it really has been along time...but some people may think that I should be getting better.....and I will admit that I'm getting better.  But I still miss her more then ever and I still feel like a part of me is just gone. 

Lyndsey has been going through it getting me some things that I have told her I would like and some other items that she thinks I would like...so that was nice of her to do.  I know it's not easy for any of them...my Dad included.  I don't know how he can look inside that empty closet...because it will be empty now with all her things gone.  It was all her stuff in it before and now.......what will be in there?  

There is one thing that I did request yesterday while talking to Lyndsey......not that my Dad is giving it away...but if he ever does.....I put in my request right now!  I want the bread box in the kitchen.  Not that Mom used it for bread.  She stored all her jewlery inside of it!  The reason that I'm asking for it is because she gave Lanette, Leah and Lyndsey all bread boxes and I never got one from her.  So....for all of you this is what I want.  Then we could all have one from her.  I'm sure Dad won't want to give it up for some time...but when the time comes.......  It's always been kind of a funny thing for her to have that in the kitchen and use it for jewlery and not bread and you know what?  I would keep that tradition going!  No bread in that bread box!!!

A fix~

Today I needed a fix.......a Mom fix!  So, what did I do to get my fix?  I went and looked at all my blog posts and got to read about her and I also got to hear her voice!  It made me smile and it also made me cry!  Isn't it funny that you can go through so many different feelings?  I just needed to see her today. I just needed to hear her voice.  I think I just needed to have a good cry!  That's what I really needed.  The house is quiet....no one is home and it's my time.  My time to think....my time to think about her with no interruptions.  I just needed to feel close to her today.

Summer Plans?

I'm sitting here and my mind is all jumbled up...is jumbled a word?  Well, that's how my mind is feeling right now.  I have so much to say, but I can't seem to put it into words.  Somedays it just flows and other days I can't seem to get it out. 

One of the things that is on my mind right now is summer.  We have been talking about summer and if we will be going home for a few weeks this summer.  Emmie has been asking to come home....well, no she has been begging to go home this summer for her birthday.  She wants to go to Washington so bad.  That's all she has been talking about for months!  She has been asking Tim about it and he has told her that we will TRY and get home. It has been over a year since her and Ty have been home.  Devin was home last summer and he had lots of fun being home without the rest of us.  He got spoiled and pretty much got to do whatever he wanted.  What kid wouldn't want that?  I would love that!  But this year we are all going to try and get home as a family.

But for me it's not as easy as one might think.  It's not as easy to walk in that door and not see her smiling and waiting to see her grand kids.  For me I will have to face it!  Face the fact that she isn't there.  I mean I know she isn't here...but I will have to kind of relive it all.  I left it all and haven't been back since.  I will see her gravestone for the very first time.  That for me won't be easy. Giving her flowers and knowing that I won't be able to do it again for another year or two. 

So, thinking about summer is hard for me.  I want to come home and be with everyone and see everyone.  But then I will have to leave...... I will have to say goodbye........  Goodbye to her yet again. 

Devin's Birthday!!

Wow......I can't believe that Devin is 18!  Where has the time gone.  I can still remember the day he was born like it was yesterday.  What a day it was!  He was a very little guy and now look at him.  He is growing into such a handsome young man!  


Cook books from his bus driver





Blowing out his birthday candles





Devin with his new Wii game

He had a really great birthday....thanks to all of you for making it really special for him!

Pretty is what Changes~

I found another book......Pretty is What Changes.

 It's kind of funny that I happened to pick this one up.  I went to look in the biography section of the library and just happened to see this this one.  I noticed it because it was pink.....so I picked it up and wanted to see what it was about.  Here is a quick over view for you.  It's about a lady who's mother had Breast cancer and then ended up having Ovarian cancer and now she found out she tested positive for BRCA.  I'm almost done with it.  It has been very interesting and very informative.  Maybe at times a little too much information, but I guess you can never have enough information.

But in this book when she is talking about her Mom and it's time for her to pass on...the nurse is telling her and her sister that she will not go with them in the room.  I'm brought back to when it was my Mom's time.  She wouldn't go with us in the room.  She wouldn't let us see her take her last breath.....she waited until we were out of the room and my Dad was relaxing and then she went.  She didn't want us to see her go.  That's what Mothers do.  I understood it all then. Not that it made me feel any better, but I know that's  what she did that day.  That was her last thing that she could do for us and that was what she was going to do and  she fought all day to do it.

She gets it~

I'm sure you all know that I went back to work in November.  I started working with someone new.  I was a little worried because I was going to be with a different person.  You know what it's like when you have to work with someone different.....you just don't know what to expect.  What they will expect from you.  I just want to do a good job and to be liked.  I have always been that way.  I'm a person who likes to please.  I want to please everyone and I sometimes feel like I don't do a good enough job. 

Well, she is very nice and I like her a lot...I hope that she like me and that she thinks that I'm doing an okay job, that I fit in.  I know when you take have to take someones spot that you have been working with it's hard.

 The thing about Jenny is that she understands what I'm going through.  She has been through this...she gets it!  Her Dad passed away and she was very close to him and he had cancer also and did the whole hospice thing.  So, she understands.  She is someone here that I can talk to about it.  Not that we have a lot of time to talk while we are working...but it's just nice to know that she is there if I need to talk.  She has experienced the same pain as I have.

A week ago, the lady in charge of Moms Day Out lost her Dad also.  As I was telling her how sorry I was, she says to me......I now understand what you went through and it's not fun, not fun at all.  All I could say is.....I know.  I couldn't tell her that it gets better, because for me it's just not better yet.

Yearly appointment~

Today was my yearly appointment with my Dr.  It went pretty good....compared to last years.  I think I spent most of last year at this or that doctor.  So, as of today I only have a few things to do.  At first I really didn't think I liked my doctor, but the more I seen her the more I liked her.  She is very caring to my situation and she really understands what I'm going through. 

Here is a few things that I will be doing in the next few months...if you are at all interested. 

First of all I will try and get into the UK testing for Ovarian Cancer.  I guess that since we now have cancer in the family she wants me to try and get some free testing done. She is pretty sure that I will be able to get in and also be able to get the BRCA analysis test done for free.  Which is good since our insurance most likely will not pay for it.  The doctor was really nice about it, but the receptionist wasn't!!  Why do they always have to be like that?  It's not like it's going to be their problem!  All she did was have to make a simple phone call.  She looked at me and said, "You are not 50....you won't get in!"  Well, The doctor said for you to call!  So there!!  It would be nice if they had this kind of thing in Washington or Oregon....well maybe they do! 

I also have to go in and get a mole looked at that is on my back.  Hopefully it is nothing.  she just said that it looked funny and she wanted me to get it looked at. 

Other then that everything looked okay. I do go in on the 14th of this month for my six month mammogram and ultrasound.  I'll let you know how that goes. 

Sorry it's such a boring post!