I did it!

I did it! I finally made it through my Moms phone message! Well, I kind of did it for the blog and because I have been so scared that something might happen to the message! I have been scared that maybe it might get erased by accident! So, I have been thinking how can I preserve it?

Then it came to me! I can put it on my blog! Then maybe you all can listen to it also when you want to hear her voice. She is just talking about her doctors appointment and for me not to worry, I know me not worry! That wasn't going to happen! I also just put up a picture of her while taping her voice...not the best work, but what can you expect from an amateur like me!

Anyways here goes..........................

My hands were shaking a bit and a few tears were shed while making this very short video! Again it's not the best...but at least we get to hear her voice!

Grief and what we make of it~

Thinking back to when I lost Jason and how I dealt with this thing called grief, I think I dealt with it a lot better then I'm dealing with the loss of my Mom. Now that doesn't mean that I didn't love Jason as much as I love my Mom. I think it has to do with where I'm at in my life and who I'm now.

Back then I had a huge support system. For at least the first 8 months I don't think that I was ever home alone at night. I always had company. I think someone must have talked to someone and made sure that I always had someone over or that I was somewhere. Just not at home by myself for a long period of time. I mean I did have my alone time where I could do what I needed to do to grieve. That was at night when everything was quiet, when Devin was in bed for the night and I could let my guard down and let it out. I could cry myself to sleep. Devin didn't see me...no one saw me. I would hide in my own little world and not let anyone see how much I was hurting inside, even though I'm sure they all knew, how couldn't I be hurting? I just lost my husband!

Now I'm grieving again! The loss of my Mom! You would think this would be something that I'm familiar with, that I can do this! I have done this before and I can do it again! But it just isn't as easy this time. You see...I don't have this huge support system here in Kentucky! I live over 2,000 miles away and it just isn't working like it worked the last time! I have Tim and the kids, but I don't really let them see that side of me. I don't want to upset the kids and let them see me cry or down. Second of all, I don't have my Mom to help me. She was there to help me with it the last time and now she isn't here to help me!

Maybe I'm just being a little spoiled be needing more! Maybe I should be handling things better then I should. Sometimes I want to yell and scream at the world that it's just not fair. Why did she have to die! I know we all have to die sometime, but why now? She had so many things to live for. She had so many people that needed her and loved her. She made so many people happy by just being with her.

I know lots of people are going through the same thing I'm. And I know that I miss her more each day.

Jason and Mom at pizza for my Birthday

THE BIG GAME!

Today is the day.......THE BIG GAME!!! Mariner's vs Dodgers!

Devin loves this day! He can't wait for the draw of the teams, the excitement of the game! I have to admit it is pretty fun. I have missed a few and I'll be missing this one this year and I'm wishing that I was there today! Things have changed a little since last year.

First of all it changed places this year. It was in the works before everything happened with my Mom. We were at Riley's birthday party last year and something got mentioned about the field behind Lanette's and Jim's house and everyone thought it would be a great place for the field. Jim could mow it down to look like a real field. We said or someone said, that's a great idea!

Second of all my Mom will not be there. She didn't play but she did everything else. She couldn't wait for the day also....she did it for Devin. She knew how much it meant to him. Even though it meant lots of work for her. We would have team pictures and everything that went along with a real baseball game. We even had Riley sing the National Anthem. Now she is a great singer! Of course we couldn't forget the seventh inning stretch! Then when the game was done we would eat! YUM! My Dad would make something really good. Last year he smoked some pork loins! They were so good!!!

So, here I sit today wishing that I was there getting ready for THE BIG GAME!

Emmie Laine's 6th Birthday~

My girl turned 6! I can't believe that! Wow, does time sure go by fast. I can still remember the day she was born like it was yesterday! We got to pick the day she was born because we were on the move to Kentucky! She is our only Arkansas baby! I'm not sure how she will feel about that when she gets older, but what can you do! She is mostly a Kentucky girl! She has been here since she was two weeks old! I guess we picked a good day...she shares her birthday with her cousin Josh. I think when they get older they will enjoy that they share a very special day together. Hopefully we will be living closer to home and we will be able to celebrate them together! Here she is opening a few of her gifts! We got her a scooter this year. She had a three wheeler one and it was way too small for her and lets not forget that she wants to be just like the boys and needs to go as fast as they do. But at least it's pink! :) She got a DS game and a Hello Kitty purse from Grandpa Steve and Grandma Bettie! She loves that! She also got some clothes and a cute Barbie from Lyndsey and Family! Then the cards came!!! WOW!! That girl got some money to spend! Thanks Mindy and Family, Kelly and Family, Pa , Grandma Thompson, and Missy. She also got a gift card to Target( one of our favorite stores) from Lanette and family! She had lots of fun going shopping! Thank you everyone for all the nice gifts! She loved everything and had lots of fun shopping!

Now it's time to blow out the candles! 6!!!!! Again I can't believe that she is 6 and will be in first grade this year! Can we make time slow down just a little? I didn't think so! Oh well, it's fun watching her grow up into a little girl, she isn't a baby anymore!

I love you Emmie Laine!

Memories~

These last few days all I have been thinking about is my Mom and reliving everything that happened. I think, well I know it's because my mind has also been on Jenny. I know what Jodi is going through and I know what she will be going through. It's not an easy road that's for sure, I'm not sure that road ever gets easy. It sure hasn't gotten any easier for me.


Every day I wake up and I think maybe, just maybe I can get through this day and not cry, but I don't think that has happened since my Mom passed away. I will go through the day and not think about it and all of the sudden...it hits me when I'm not expecting it! Sometimes it happens right as I'm getting ready for bed and I look over and see her pictures and I think to myself...I can't believe that I have not talked to my Mom today or yesterday or the day before! It just makes no sense to me that it has been over seven months and I haven't talked to her. How can that be? I never went over a few days without talking to her! I don't really talk to anyone. I mean I talk to Tim and the kids, but I don't have anyone that I can really talk to. I used to be able to tell my Mom everything. I could complain to her about things that weren't going right and she would just take it all in, but now I don't have that someone to tell. So, I keep it all in! Who really wants to hear me complain? She did! She would listen and then complain herself! LOL!! It was so nice to be able to have that and now it's gone and she is gone!


Sometimes I think I just repeat myself and I'm sorry if I do. But you really must know that I come down here to write and I have something in my mind and what comes out is something totally different then what I really had intended to write.


All I know is that in less then 8 months we have lost two wonderful woman and my son Devin has lost two of his Grandmas. They loved him more then anything and I know that he is hurting inside and it's hard for him to show us that side.

I know that someday this picture will mean more to him then anything! They were his biggest fans and they only wanted the best for him.

Another Sad Day~

Yesterday Jenny Feller passed away~

Yes, another sad day. We knew it was coming, but are we ever ready for it? I don't think you can ever prepare yourself for losing someone important in your life! She was a wonderful Grandma to Devin and Seth. The best Mom that Jodi and Jason could ever ask for. I know the pain that Jodi must be going through right now, and I can't do anything to help her. I hate that I'm so far away and I can't help. I feel so helpless! I'm just so thankful that Devin is home and was able to see Jenny. That makes me feel a little bit better, not much, but a little. My heart goes out to Devin, Seth, Jodi, Tony and the rest of the family. Yes, I do feel like I was still part of the family. Jodi always made me feel that way. She always called and kept me up to date on everything and I know that it wasn't easy.

I have many great memories of Jenny and I will treasure them and fondly tell Devin about them. She was a great Mother-in-law. She would always try and see me when I was in town even if Devin wasn't with me. I know that Devin moving away was very hard on her and I felt very bad that she couldn't see Devin as often as she would have liked.

Yesterday after hearing the news and after getting over the shock of it all.....I did smile, I thought she is with Jim and Jason. I know that she is happy to be with them. She loved them so much and them leaving her at such an early age was so very hard on her.


We now have one more Angel in heaven looking out for us~

Thanks Jenny for all the wonderful memories and most of all thank you for letting me in your family. I truly felt blessed to have been loved by your son and that I have a piece of Jason and you.....Devin! He is truly a blessing and I hope that one day he can fill those big shoes that his Dad left. You will never be forgotten!

Our visit with Steve and Bettie~

We had a great time when Steve and Bettie came out for a visit a few weeks ago! They kids just loved having their grandparents here for a few days! Tim and I love having company!

Steve and Bettie and the kids~

Love this picture of Steve and Bettie and the kids!



Tim and Steve with the kids when we went out to dinner at our favorite German restaurant! I LOVE the German noodles! They are so good! I can just eat them! Give me a plate of them and I'm happy!




Emmie with Grandma Bettie! How cute is that!

The family!

We had lots of fun while they were here! The only downside to the trip was that the weather was so warm! It was in the high 90's the whole time they were here! So, we really couldn't enjoy the outside as much as we wanted. The next week after they left.....the weather was great! Down in the 80's with a breeze! :( What can you do! At least it wasn't raining while they were here!

On Edge~

Well, here I'm again! Did you miss me? I'm sure you did! LOL, only kidding. I'm not even sure anyone has been reading this blog, but that's okay, I understand you all have a life! You have things to do, you can't just sit around waiting for me to post this silly old blog!

Today has been a day. My stomach has been turning all day long. My mind has been going a mile a minute. I'm just remember this time last year and reliving it. You see it was Emmie's birthday and we were home celebrating with our family. We didn't have a big party, because I just felt kind of weird about having a big party when we were home and never being able to go to other parties....like we were just coming home for a present and I didn't want people to think that's all we wanted. So, it was pretty much just family and that was just fine with me. We never get that around here, to us that was a GREAT party! I wish that my kids got that every year, but they just have to settle with a small family dinner and cake.

The day started out with a lunch out to Chinese food, Emmie's favorite! My Mom didn't go, she was getting things ready for the big game that was coming up that weekend. She was also getting Emmie's cupcakes ready. She had been talking about these cupcakes that she wanted to make for her before we came home. They turned out really cute.

They were a beach theme! They not only looked cute, but they also tasted really good! I got her a cake also, but everyone wanted the cupcakes! Everyone loved them! We went out to pizza that night and it was just so nice and relaxing. Emmie had fun and got to open her presents with all of our families. I wish that I could go back to that day. I didn't take any pictures of Emmie with any of her Grandparents! What was I thinking? I guess I wasn't thinking! Just Emmie alone. Not even one with Tim or I! I should have taken one with my Mom and Emmie with the cupcakes!!! UGH!!! It just makes me want to cry!

I think that for me Emmie's birthday is harder because we are usually home for it and celebrating it with my Mom and our families. To tell you the truth this just sucks!

Tomorrow my girl will be turning 6 and I'll be celebrating her birthday without you Mom and it's just not the same!

Ty and Emmie swimming lessons~

Well swimming lessons are over! They both did pretty good. Ty is swimming like a fish and Emmie still needs some work. This girl of mine has no FEAR, let me tell you! Unlike her mother who sits on the sidelines watching her and telling her to stay on the wall! Just you wait and see what she did on her final day! I'll show you.....

Here are some pictures.

This is what Emmie decided to jump off of on her last day! No, the girl can't swim! She has been going off the little diving board as you can see, she went off that on her second day. She went right up and just ran right off! She went so fast that I couldn't even get a picture of her! I was so busy watching her that I couldn't get the picture! I thought maybe she would stand there a minute so I could take the picture, but nope, she just hoped up and ran off! Yes, someone was waiting for her, I would never of let her do it! Ty was so surprised that she did it. He has done it one time and he will not repeat it! He landed on his belly and got the air knocked out of him. He just gave her a high five and smiled! WOW!! What a girl! I guess we have got to keep our eyes locked on her from now on!

Cornhole~

I'm not sure if any of you know what Corn hole is, but here in Kentucky it's a must! People play it all the time. It's an outside game kind of like horse shoes but played with bags of corn. A few weeks ago Tim made some sets. We went ahead and bought the corn hole bags. You can get them in any type of fabric you want, most people around here would choose the UK colors, but not us. Shh, don't tell anyone, but we really aren't UK fans! I mean around here if it's game day and you don't have a UK shirt on you get looked at kind of funny! Every where you go it's UK everywhere, even at the doctors office!

Anyways on to the corn hole......

Tim and Devin are loving it! They play it all the time. Ty, Emmie and I play it sometimes, but we aren't as good as Tim and Devin, so it's usually just the two of them playing. It's actually nice to see them have something in common. When Tim's parents came to visit we played it also, but the weather was so warm, it just made it really hard to enjoy it as much as we all would have liked.

Here is what the set looks like. Tim even made a drink holder and score board for it. I do have to say it is fun, but I need to practice a little more.

Dreams~

Okay, okay.....I'm really slacking on this! But I do have reasons! Everyone is home and it's really hard to do anything! Someone is either on the computer or I have to do something for someone...I know you are thinking must be the kids, but nope, it's the husband that needs me the most! Always needing this or that when he is home. I sure do miss those nice days when it was just me home all by myself! But those days are long gone.

Anyways..........

Lets talk about dreams. After my Mom passed away all I wanted to do was dream about her and it never happened. I remember going to bed every night and thinking to myself ...please, please let me dream of her tonight. But no, no dream! It never came. I would wake up and be so depressed about it. I just thought if I couldn't see her during the day then just maybe I could see her in my dreams. After about two months of this I finally stopped asking. Then about two weeks ago I finally got my wish! I dreamed about her!! But the dream wasn't all that I wanted it to be. I guess you could say that I got one good thing out of it and then one thing that was still the same. I mean I finally got the dream, but in the dream she was still sick. We went to see her in a hospital type setting and we thought she was sleeping, but she was awake. I guess kind of like when we were at Hospice on her final day when I whispered something and she heard it. She heard me! Anyways....on to the dream. In the dream she was a little bit grumpy...not at all like she was. The dream really didn't make sense to me, but it was her and I got to see her. I guess that's all that I wanted. I would like to have more dreams about her. I'm hoping that I will get them someday.