Thinking back to when I lost Jason and how I dealt with this thing called grief, I think I dealt with it a lot better then I'm dealing with the loss of my Mom. Now that doesn't mean that I didn't love Jason as much as I love my Mom. I think it has to do with where I'm at in my life and who I'm now.
Back then I had a huge support system. For at least the first 8 months I don't think that I was ever home alone at night. I always had company. I think someone must have talked to someone and made sure that I always had someone over or that I was somewhere. Just not at home by myself for a long period of time. I mean I did have my alone time where I could do what I needed to do to grieve. That was at night when everything was quiet, when Devin was in bed for the night and I could let my guard down and let it out. I could cry myself to sleep. Devin didn't see me...no one saw me. I would hide in my own little world and not let anyone see how much I was hurting inside, even though I'm sure they all knew, how couldn't I be hurting? I just lost my husband!
Now I'm grieving again! The loss of my Mom! You would think this would be something that I'm familiar with, that I can do this! I have done this before and I can do it again! But it just isn't as easy this time. You see...I don't have this huge support system here in Kentucky! I live over 2,000 miles away and it just isn't working like it worked the last time! I have Tim and the kids, but I don't really let them see that side of me. I don't want to upset the kids and let them see me cry or down. Second of all, I don't have my Mom to help me. She was there to help me with it the last time and now she isn't here to help me!
Maybe I'm just being a little spoiled be needing more! Maybe I should be handling things better then I should. Sometimes I want to yell and scream at the world that it's just not fair. Why did she have to die! I know we all have to die sometime, but why now? She had so many things to live for. She had so many people that needed her and loved her. She made so many people happy by just being with her.
I know lots of people are going through the same thing I'm. And I know that I miss her more each day.
Jason and Mom at pizza for my Birthday
1 comment:
Lori,
I think there are so many ways people grieve. I know there's not a right or wrong way to do it. I know it helps to have support though. I feel the same way. I feel alone a lot. I don't feel like Joe understands, and I don't want to cry in front of him or the boys. I do know that the one thing that has helped me is going to Stepping Stones. I want you to be able to find something like that for you guys. For sure you and Devin. Even if you go there and you never say a word, you will definitely get to cry. I find myself crying when people talk about their story...it could be a lot like mine, or completely different. Just to hear someone say something that I have thought in my head, to hear them say it out loud, makes it worth it. It's just a matter of people not trying to "fix" your problem...but allowing you the time to be sad. Mainly it's you...allowing yourself that too. I write this, like I know so much about it, but I don't! I just know for me, I need to allow myself time to deal with it. If not, I will forever be stuck in the place that I am in, and that's not what I want at all. I'm not ready to move forward yet, but I hope one day I will be. It's not an easy road, and you of all people know that... But I know Mom always knew we'd have eachother...and I'm sure she's thankful for that. I know I am!
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