I always come down here knowing what I'm going to write about and usually I end up writing something totally different then what I had originally planned, lets see how this one goes. I have a lot on my mind this a.m. and I'm not really sure that I can get it down the way that I want or the way that it sounds good, make sense? I hope so.
I have been a little mad these last few days...not mad at anyone, just mad that my Moms not here. I hear people talking about their Moms and I sometimes don't really want to hear the stories. Does that make me a bad person? I don't want to be like that. I don't want them not to have a Mom...I guess I just want them to know how lucky they are. I hear stories at work and sometimes they complain that they had to do this or that for their Mom and I just wish that I could do something for my Mom. I get so mad!!! I'm sorry maybe I'm just letting everything get to me and I really shouldn't.
Okay...on to another subject.
As for searching.......
I got the pictures of Colby's birthday party and all I seemed to be thinking about is my Mom and I kept searching for her in the pictures. She was always in the background and I could see her that way. I loved getting pictures from everyone so that I could somehow be a part of it even though I wasn't there. I missed seeing her and I missed that she wasn't there for everyone. I know how hard that day was for the family. We all have so many firsts to go through and it's just very hard. I just never thought that this would be my life. That I would be doing it without her so early. I always thought that she would be here for all the little things in life. But she's not and I just can't seem to get that through my head. What am I going to do without her?
I just hope that she knew how important she was to all of us. I hope she left this world knowing that she was loved by many and was going to be missed so much.
Will I ever stop searching?
6 comments:
Hey Lori.
I'm pretty sure your mom left this world knowing how much she was loved. All those days she was in the hospital or in hospice, her room was filled with people. It had to be frustrating for you and your family to have all of us there all the time. I'm sure you all wanted the time to yourselves!!
You will probably always be searching. Again, I can't imagine what you are going through.
Just remember that there are a lot of people that love you and are here for you too!
Lori,
I completly understand how you feel about hearing about other Mom stuff and hearing people complain. It has gotten a bit easier over the years, but it still gets to me sometimes. The one thing I TRY to remember is that even if we lost our Mom's early, they were the best Mom's and some people never had that. Again, I hate soooo much that we have this terrible, terrible loss in common.
I know your Mom had to have known how many people loved her. Without a doubt!
I feel the same way Lori. To the people who complain about, or act put out by their Mom's. Or just when they don't even have a thought in their mind about what you are going through. And I don't want them to be Motherless, but I just want them to think for a second what it would be like. Then maybe they would just be nice and try to do nice things for their Mom. Like Mom did to everyone. It was a totally different feeling at the party for me that day. Like it wasn't real. I didn't like it, and had no one to look over at, and know what we should be doing next. So it was strange to not have her out there somewhere in the background, as I'm sure it was for you in the pictures. She was always there.
Lori, Lyndsey, and Christine,
You have all really made me think. Hopefully my mom knows how much I appreciate her and everything she does for me. I try my hardest to not take her for granted, but I think sometimes it just happens.
Grandma and Grandpa (mostly Granny, I assume!) did something right in raising their kids. I don't think any of us could have asked for better moms.
If I ever say anything negative about my mom or act like I am bothered by her or anything negative, please give me a swift kick in the butt. I hope I haven't done that to any of you. If I have, I was not trying to be insensitive and I am sorry!
To Kelly,
You've never made me feel like that with you and your Mom. I remember after I had Colby, you and I were talking and I told you I wouldn't know what to do without my Mom. You said the same thing. I know you appreciate your Mom more than anything. And I know you and your Mom are so close, and you both are lucky to have eachother. Don't think for a second we were talking about you!
All of our Moms are the best! So, yes I think Grandma did a great job.
Kelly.....No, we wanted everyone there! My Mom loved it and I wouldn't change a thing about it...well maybe one thing, her not being there in the first place. Yes, I'm sure I'll always be searching. We all know that you Love your Mom more then anything and would never say anything bad about her!
Christine...You gove me hope that things will get better. That I will get over some of my anger and things can get better for me. Thanks!
Lyndsey...I'm glad to know that we are feeling the same way and I'm not crazy or anything! I'm hoping one day to feel better and not be so negative!
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