A letter to Mom~

Dear Mom,

I can't believe that it's been a year.  A year since I last saw your face, a year since I last heard your voice, a year since I last held your hand.  All of this still feels like it was yesterday.  I can remember every second of that terrible day.  I remember walking into that hallway knowing that it was going to be my last day with you.  Walking into your room looking at you in your bed thinking, I can't do this...I can't say goodbye to you.  Not you...not my Mom.  This can't be happening, you can't be leaving me, you can't be leaving us..not like this, not now.  You are still so young.  You still have so much more to do, so many more days to live.  But that wasn't how this was day was going to end...we were told this was the day, we didn't have any more time. 

The time came for me to say goodbye.....I only had a few minutes, everyone wanted time with you, I didn't want to take up all the time.  As I sit here thinking about what I said, I wonder to myself, did I say the right things?  I'm not sure if I did.  Did you hear me?   All I know is that what I really wanted was for you to open your eyes and see me and tell me that everything was okay.  That you were okay with what was happening.  If truth be told what I really wanted is for you to stay.  But we knew that wasn't going to happen.  You knew when the doctors had told you that we couldn't do anything that we didn't have much hope, but the thing was that you never gave up.  You never gave up HOPE!  I never saw you get down.  You were so brave, braver then I could ever dream of being.  You truly are my hero! 

I just couldn't imagine my life without you.  We as a family couldn't imagine our life without you.  I sit here thinking about the family and I see every ones faces and the look of sadness as we all sat every day and night at the Ray Hickey House.  I admit we tried to act like we were okay, we smiled and talked, but deep down you could see it in all of our eyes the sadness, the pain.  We thought we are yet again losing a family member.  Someone so important to so many.  Someone that so many depend on.  Mostly for friendship and companionship, that is what you were...a friend to so many. 

To me we had so many wonderful talks on the phone.  Even though I lived so many miles away, we still managed to be so close.  It never felt like I was that far away from you.  Besides not seeing your face I still felt like I was at home when I talked to you.  Our Monday morning phone calls were my favorite.  I looked forward to them more then I can tell you.  For some reason or another if one of us missed one then it just felt weird the rest of the day.  We would catch up on what happened on the weekend and you would fill me in on what was going on at home.  We would talk again during the week but those Monday morning were the best.  My Mondays are just not the same.  I just always felt like you were right here with me.

This past year has went by in a blink of an eye.  I still can't believe that you are gone.  I say that all the time.  I think for the first 6 months I was here, but I wasn't.  I did everything I needed to do to get by, but nothing else. I would take care of the kids and the house, but above that I gave nothing.  I just wasn't me anymore.  I didn't have anything more to give.  I just took everything I had to get what little I did done.  By the time the kids went to bed I was so tired that I just went to bed and then got up and did it all over again.  Not having you just made everything so much harder.  I didn't have our phone calls to look forward to, I didn't have your visits to look forward to, I didn't have you at home to look forward to seeing in the summer...nothing!  I just wasn't me anymore and I'm still not me.  I'm not really sure that I will ever be that same person again. 

It feels like this year I have needed you more then I have ever needed you.  I have had some health things going on and we now have been dealing with some health things with Devin.  You would always be the first person I would call whenever something was wrong with the kids or me.  Now I don't have that, I don't have you to call.  You would have wanted to be the first phone call, you would have been hurt if your weren't the first phone call.  I have had to learn to do things differently and I don't like it.  I liked it the way it was.  I liked knowing that I had you there whenever I needed you.

Some days I feel like I'm a young kid again.....all I want to do is yell and scream and tell everyone that it's not fair!  It's not fair that you had to leave us!  It's not fair that we have to figure out a way to live the rest of our lives without you.  That I have to tell my kids stories about you and that they will never get to see you again. It's just not fair!  Isn't that what we say when we are kids?  Well I hear it all the time from my kids and I feel it right now.  I feel that I have been cheated!  Cheated out of many years with you, many years of watching you with my kids.  My kids have been cheated.  Cheated out of all the love that you could have gave them.  So, yes all I want to do is yell and scream and tell the world it's not fair!

I have this terrible guilt inside of me.  I feel so bad that you missed out on so much of the kids growing up.  I know how much you wanted to see them and wanted to be a part of their everyday life.  You wanted us home so bad.  Just seeing us for a few weeks during the summer just wasn't enough for you or for me.  My kids loved being home for the summer and they would always talk about how much fun they had once we got home.  I feel like I have cheated you now.  You would have loved to be at games, awards and so many other events.  I also feel bad that I didn't get your scrapbook done!  I had wanted to get that finished for you and I just didn't get it done!  It was so hard for me.  While trying to get it done I would spend so much time before hand crying  while picking out the pictures that it would just drain me.  By the time I would get a double page done I was just ready to be done!  So, again I'm sorry!  I wanted that to be done!  I'm still going to work on it, for me and for you.  I think it needs to be something that I can have done, so whenever the kids or I  am thinking about you we can just open up the book and look at all the pictures and read some of the captions.  Maybe during the Christmas holiday I'll get some done.  Maybe!  It's not an easy time right now!  I wish I was more like you.

As for how the kids are doing.........Devin is doing okay.  You know how he is, he doesn't really show that much emotion about when he is feeling sad.  I have talked to him about going to see a counselor.  I thought maybe that might help him deal with some of his issues.  I mean he lost you and Jenny this year.  That's a lot for anyone to have to handle.  He turned me down on this.  Ty is doing okay, I do think that this year he has been a little more aggressive.  He gets madder easier.  Is this because of you or is this the age?  I'm not sure.  It seemed to start at a funny time.  Emmie is doing okay now.  But at the start of all this she wasn't doing that great.  She was the one that would show more emotion then any of the others.  Maybe that's because shes a girl and it's easier for her, I'm not sure.  But she would go to bed at night and then cry and say she misses you or whenever she was down she would always miss you.  She would also see me upset and then in turn that would make her upset, so I started holding it in whenever she was around.  I know they miss you and think of you all the time, how can they not.  You were a very important person in their life.

This year has been so hard.  I walk around the house when I'm by myself and talk to you....maybe that makes me a little bit crazy, but that's all I got.  I think what made it even harder for me was not being around others who were going through the same thing.  I couldn't help them and they couldn't help me.  I know we could talk on the phone, but sometimes you just need to BE with people who understand and feel the same way.  That is why I started this blog.  I wanted to try and get out some of my feelings.....did it work?  Well, sort of.  I was able to explain how I was feeling on that day and then I was able to hear from others who were feeling the same way or those that were supporting me. 

I'm just wondering will the second year be any easier???  I think of you every day and I still can't imagine going the rest of my life without you.
I'm having trouble ending this letter.........The words just aren't coming out the way I want them. 

Mom.....I love you and miss you more then ever!