It's concerning my son, Devin. Today I had the thought in my head that later this week it will be one year since I have seen him. One year! Oh my gosh.....that just blows my mind. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would be away from him for that long.
I just wish that when all of this went down last year that it could have been done in better way. I'm not sure that anyone really understands how much it hurt me. I felt like everyone was against me. I have had one person that understood and said one sentence that made me go yes. That is what I'm feeling. Made me think that I wasn't just being silly about this whole thing. Some people made me feel like I was a bad Mom. I know they didn't mean to make me feel that way, but by them saying that it was the best thing for my son to not be with me, they were in a sense saying that. I felt like I had always done my very best for him. Yes, I may have worried over him more then I should have and done things for him more then I should have. But I know that if any of you had been in my shoes and had been through all the things that I have been through with him, then I think that some would have done just the same.
As I sit here today and go though things I think back and think maybe I should have done things differently. I love my son more then anything and I don't think that anyone really understands what this has done to me. I also don't think they understand how it has hurt my relationship with my son. If anyone really knows Devin then they can understand this. He barley calls me. I have to kind of force him to call me at least twice a week. It also hurts Emmie and Ty's relationship with him. I just don't think anyone really thought things through when they made this decision.
I know that he now has a job and is doing good, and I would never take that away from him. I'm very happy for him and more proud of him then anyone. Some days I see him in my mind sitting down, watching his movies the way he used to sit and laughing. It just makes me smile and also brings tears to my eyes at the same time. I think about him every single day. I see him in people just walking down the street. I see him when I'm at the library checking out books. Wherever I'm at I see him.
Everyone always has ideas about how family's run and sometimes others may tell you how they run without ever really being a part of them. Without ever really understanding what really goes on. My family wasn't perfect....but it was a family. And ever since things changed last summer, I have changed. Things have changed. I feel like I'm not as big of a part of my family in Vancouver as I used to be. Things are just different. I just miss the way things used to be. I just miss talking to my Mom and her telling me that things were going to be okay in her own way. I have come to the conclusion that I'm more like her then I thought I was.
I miss this guy! he means the world to me and I don't even think he knows it. Just hearing his voice makes my day. I do worry about him still, but I try so hard not to show it when I talk to him. I feel like I can't be the Mom that I used to be with him. I feel like everyone thinks I mothered him too much. But I wonder now if they understand a little... now that they have been taking care of him, why I did it. Maybe they do...I'm not sure. They don't really talk to me about it or Devin. I feel like if I ask about him, no one really wants to talk to me about him. I might be wrong....I have been wrong before...once! just kidding....had to get some of the seriousness out. But I have been just so confused this last year about so many things...that I just don't know where I stand.
I just hope that I didn't make anyone mad...I never wanted to do that with this post. I just have had so many thoughts about this for so long and I just needed to clear my head. All my kids mean so much to me and I would do anything for them.
1 comment:
I am sorry you have been without Devin so long. I don't have kids so I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you.
As far as people judging you for how you have raised Devin or how your family is run....no one really should judge anyone unless they have been in their situation. At the end of the day, we all just try to do the best that we can. I think everyone knows how much you love your kids!!
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