Changes~

I have thought and thought about this post for many months. In my head I have had it down many times...but I have yet to post it. It's always different. I guess you are wondering why I have yet to post it. I guess I have so many emotions and I don't want to say the wrong thing or for it to come out the wrong way.

It's concerning my son, Devin. Today I had the thought in my head that later this week it will be one year since I have seen him.  One year! Oh my gosh.....that just blows my mind. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would be away from him for that long.

I just wish that when all of  this went down last year that it could have been done in better way. I'm not sure that anyone really understands how much it hurt me. I felt like everyone was against me.  I have had one person that understood and said one sentence that made me go yes. That is what I'm feeling. Made me think that I wasn't just being silly about this whole thing.  Some people made me feel like I was a bad Mom. I know they didn't mean to make me feel that way, but by them saying that it was the best thing for my son to not be with me, they were in a sense saying that.  I felt like I had always done my very best for him. Yes, I may have worried over him more then I should have and done things for him more then I should have. But I know that if any of you had been in my shoes and had been through all the things that I have been through with him, then I think that some would have done just the same.

As I sit here today and go though things I think back and think maybe I should have done things differently. I love my son more then anything and I don't think that anyone really understands what this has done to me.  I also don't think they understand how it has hurt my relationship with my son.  If anyone really knows Devin then they can understand this. He barley calls me. I have to kind of force him to call me at least twice a week.  It also hurts Emmie and Ty's relationship with him. I just don't think anyone really thought things through when they made this decision.

I know that he now has a job and is doing good, and I would never take that away from him. I'm very happy for him and more proud of him then anyone.  Some days I see him in my mind sitting down, watching his movies the way he used to sit and laughing. It just makes me smile and also brings tears to my eyes at the same time.  I think about him every single day. I see him in people just walking down the street. I see him when I'm at the library checking out books. Wherever I'm at I see him.

Everyone always has ideas about how family's run and sometimes others may tell you how they run without ever really being a part of them. Without ever really understanding what really goes on. My family wasn't perfect....but it was a family. And ever since things changed last summer, I have changed. Things have changed. I feel like I'm not as big of a part of my family in Vancouver as I used to be.  Things are just different. I just miss the way things used to be. I just miss talking to my Mom and her telling me that things were going to be okay in her own way. I have come to the conclusion that I'm more like her then I thought I was.

I miss this guy! he means the world to me and I don't even think he knows it. Just hearing his voice makes my day. I do worry about him still, but I try so hard not to show it when I talk to him. I feel like I can't be the Mom that I used to be with him. I feel like everyone thinks I mothered him too much. But I wonder now if they understand a little... now that they have been taking care of him, why I did it.  Maybe they do...I'm not sure.  They don't really talk to me about it or Devin. I feel like if I ask about him, no one really wants to talk to me about him.  I might be wrong....I have been wrong before...once!  just kidding....had to get some of the seriousness out. But I have been just so confused this last year about so many things...that I just don't know where I stand.  

I just hope that I didn't make anyone mad...I never wanted to do that with this post.  I just have had so many thoughts about this for so long and I just needed to clear my head. All my kids mean so much to me and I would do anything for them.

Moving again~

Well, we are moving again.....but the good thing is its not to another state! Just down the road! Most likely one of our easiest moves.

We always said that we only wanted to stay in this house for a year, but we were all set to stay for another. Just didn't want to do the whole move thing again. Seems like that's all we have done in these last few years.

We will be making the move this week. The good thing is that we have been able to move a lot of stuff into the garage. We have taken 11 loads over. It's almost filled up the entire garage. We have way too much stuff! We will get the keys on Monday and should be able to get the big stuff over this week. I'm just hoping Tim will be able to get a friend to help. Ty and I aren't able to lift the real heavy stuff. It's not so much the lifting it's the going up the stairs and around the corners. I would much rather be at the other house doing the unpacking.

The good thing about moving is that it's in a neighborhood and on a quiet street. Makes it feel kind of normal. Like the whole world isn't watching you as you are unpacking your van after going shopping!  I hope that Ty and Emmie will find some kids in the neighborhood to play with. We will be trying to keep them in the same schools. I will just have to take and pick them up. That means waiting around in the morning for about an hour before I have to go to work and then waiting about an hour in the afternoon. Just makes my day a little bit longer. But we hate to take them out of the schools they are going to again!  

I also like the fact that I can change things around again.  Sometimes you just get tired of the way things are and just need a change. We will be getting a big change. The yard is also fenced in...makes it much easier with the dogs. 

I will try and get some pictures posted next week. It's not the best or the biggest house. But I guess it's a house. 

Mother's Day~

Tomorrow is Mothers Day.

Ever since my Mom has passed away it has felt different and this year is worse! For lots of reasons.

It's going to be hard for me to enjoy the day tomorrow because my heart is somewhere else. I wish I could be somewhere else. I feel like I need to be somewhere else. But I can't be there. But just because my body isn't there....doesn't mean my heart isn't.  It has been there for the past week. I can't sleep....as I know many people can't. I know how they are feeling. I have felt the same way. It's not a fun feeling. A feeling of helplessness.

So, tomorrow I will be thinking of one of the best mothers I know. A wonderful selfless Mother who has made my life so much better by just being in it. I love her like no other.

Big knot~

For the last few days me stomach has been in knots. I'm just at a loss on what to do. I went to bed on Friday night and very softly cried myself to sleep....well sort of. My mind was racing with all these thoughts. I have never been one to have confentrations with people and when I do...I just shut down and am unable to continue the conversation with out getting all emotional. That's just me. I wish I was different. My mind gets all crazy and I can't think. I end up not saying what I really want to say and then things are just left unsaid.

I want to tell my side of the story. But I feel like I have already lost the battle along time ago. My side just doesn't seem to matter to anyone. I feel like things have been getting worse as everyday goes by. I sit here and rethink and have everything worked out in my mind how I would say things....but will I actually say any of it?  Most likely not. I don't want to cause problems....but the more I sit on it...it just hurts me inside and I feel like I might just explode! And I'm sure that won't be good. 

Surgery update~

I thought I would update you and tell you how the surgery went.

It's day three and I'm feeling a little sore. Not real bad, but I can just feel it a little when I move around a lot. But I do have to say that I thought I would feel worse the I do. I have not taken any pain meds since yesterday morning. I might take some today...just to make sure.

I went in on Wednesday morning and I could not believe the room the put me in. Super nice and I had it all to myself. Not a little room divided by a curtain. Had a tv to watch and a bathroom. Wonder how much that's going to cost? Yikes! Anyways went through all the normal check in stuff. Got an IV put in....that kind of hurt. I had to go and get a wire put in my breast to mark where they were going to work at so I got to have a Xanax to relax me. Didn't really feel much different. Went to get the wire put in. It didn't really hurt. It's just so funny that my breast is always hanging out for all to see. But the wire was kind of big! Thin....but tall. They had to tape it down or else it would have poked me in the eye. They took another mammogram picture and I got to see what it looked like inside of me. It kind of looked like a little fish hook. They got it right where they needed it to be.

I was only back in my room for about twenty minutes when they said they were ready for me! Double yikes! Wasn't ready for this...but I guess it was now or never. So off I go. It's kind of strange to be wheeled down to the OR in the bed and see them all waiting for you. Me...waiting for me. The room was big! Bigger then I thought it was going to be. Lights everywhere. They start talking to me and put the oxygen mask on and before I know it I'm waking up in another room. It's just so crazy how that happens!

So, everything went good. I will find out the results maybe today or more likely on Monday. Worried? Sure am! But I think all will turn out good. My breast isn't looking real pretty right now. But that's okay.

Sorry if I'm giving a little to much information.  That's what I got right now.

Tim and the kids have been taking care of me and trying to do things for me. Today I'm on my own. Which is kinda nice to have a day to myself. Back to normal on Monday.

I know that it's been a super long time since I have done anything with this blog! No excuses! All I can say is I'm sorry. I had plans to write at least once a week...but something always seems to come up or maybe it's because my life has been kind of blah lately. See....I was making excuses!

As it turns out some things have been going on these past few weeks.  I had a ultrasound on my right breast in December and the again in March. In March they thought that it needed a closer look. The next day I went in for a biopsy.

Now that was an experience.  I do have to say that it didn't hurt. I mean the first shot to numb it wasn't bad. But it was just the whole experience of having to watch them doing it. I mean it just an in your face kind of procedure and when they are actually getting the sample and you hear the little gun go off as they get it is kind of startling at first. But after a few times you get used to it. I walked out with no pain and went to the mall shopping an hour later.

Now the waiting began. Got the call a few days later all was good. No cancer! Yay!

Two weeks pass and I get a voice mail from my doctor.....no not the nurse..... but  my actual .  doctor. She would like to chat with me about my ultrasound and biopsy.

Hmmmm......what would she like to chat with me about? To me that doesn't sound good when you get a call from the doctor!

So, yes I start to panic a little bit. Knowing I can't make the call until I get home. Even though it's a short ride home from work....it sure felt like a very long drive!

I make the call.  She gets right on and says that she has looked over my report and did not like the wording on it, she then sent it over to the surgeon and they would like to see me! Yikes! I mean double yikes!! Can I go on Thursday? No....I work. But Monday....I can go on Monday

Off to the surgeon we go. I hear that he is very good and very nice....but of course when we get there he is in surgery.  But we see his PA and she is super nice and explains everything to us. Tim asks lots of questions, which is good, because I'm sure I would not have asked that many. I needed him with me.  We talk about the chances of this being benign and my chances are huge! I only have like a one percent of this being something bad. But if it is the we are catching this so early that it would be good.  

My surgery is on Wednesday. Should only take about 45 minutes. I'm not real fond of being put under. But at least it's for a really short period of time.  I would be lying if I told you I wasn't worried. You all know me....and know that I can tell you and also put on a pretty good front. But inside I'm FREAKING out! All the what ifs! What if.....! I won't even begin to tell you what I'm thinking! Scary thoughts! 

I will let you know how it goes! Keep your fingers crossed for me.

~Lori

Zoo Trip~

 We did our first trip to the zoo!  It was a little Zoo...but a fun Zoo!  We all had fun and it wasn't a really warm day...it was just right!

Emmie is looking at the penguins in this first picture.  They had them all named.  We didn't stick around too long here...it was kind of smelly!  But they sure are cute!  We made it through the zoo in a little over an hour.  nothing like the Portland Zoo.  We are looking forward to heading to the zoo over in Omaha.  I hear that its very big and nice!  Maybe this spring when the weather is a little warmer...but not real warm!  Not like in the summer months!

Tim and Ty by the eagle

Emmie sitting on a caterpillar!

Our cute little penguins!

Ty being silly coming out of an egg!

Emmie and the little otter~