Kentucky Kids 3

Two Years~

2011-12-12T16:06:00.000-08:00

Its funny how certain dates are never forgotten. Like today's date...December 12th. A lot of people have this date marked, maybe not on their calenders but in their minds. I knew it was coming, I could feel it. I'm still having trouble understanding why this day had to happen. But we can't take it back...she's gone. I live with that fact every day. And every day I miss her more then anyone can imagine. Yes, now I can make it through the day without crying...but the sadness is still here. Still looming over me...waiting for the moment when it just hits all of the sudden.

I see myself sitting with her that day. Having the same feelings all over again. Looking at all the people around her. Its not just on this day that this memory goes through my mind...but on today its just more vivid. My heart still aches to see her, to hear her say my name, to see her walk towards my children and give them a hug.

I'm a 42 year old woman and I need my Mom.

Two years~

Something was missing.....

2011-10-12T10:50:00.000-07:00

I went into Vancouver this weekend.....that still sounds strange to me...that I can just go into Vancouver....CRAZY!! Well, I just went for Saturday night and came home on Sunday. I went to celebrate Lanette and Lyndsey's birthday and we were also going to be getting Devin's Senior pictures taken. Kind of a two for weekend. A quick weekend...well they are all quick...but at least I can do these weekends now.

The day started with a trip to the pumpkin patch with Leah, Andy, Joe, Lyndsey, Colby, Carter and my family. Ivy and her cute little family was also there. It would have really been nice if Lanette and the girls would have been able to come along. But I know how things come up. Maybe next year we can all do it together!! I hope so. Those are the things I look forward to doing with family...all the little things. How I have missed that....all these 11 long years that we have been gone.

After the pumpkin patch we went out to dinner with everyone. My Dad wanted to take us all out for our birthdays. It was very nice of him to do this.

As we are sitting there.....I start to look around and to think to myself...something is missing. Well, not something....someone. I get a lump in my throat and sit there for a few minutes thinking about her....looking at the place I know she would be sitting. By my Dad. I know she would have loved this night...all of us together again...finally!

I'm sure other people there may have thought the same thing that I was thinking that night and wished that she was sitting in that spot. What I wouldn't have done to have her with us that night and every other night.

Today is her birthday....Happy Birthday Mom! You are still thought of every day...not only by my...but by so many. You are still missed more then I can voice in this post. My thoughts are never far from you.

Something was missing that night and always will be......................

No Computer at home.......SUCKS!!!!

2011-09-29T10:58:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how many times I can say this but no computer at home....well.....it sucks! And I mean sucks....BIG TIME!!! I can't do any of the things that I'm used to do doing! Like keeping up with my blog! Did you see the date of my last post? It was September 7th!!! I mean whats up with that? That pretty much sucks! UGH!!! Can I say it one more time! IT SUCKS!!!!!!

Okay...so maybe I got that out of my system...maybe. I might have to throw
it in one more time before this post is done!

So, you might ask...Whats been going on in my life since the 7th of September?

Well, I turned another year older! Do I feel older? Not really. I don't feel the age that my birth certificate says that I'm. Whats a number? Just a number...right? That's what i say! It's how you feel in side......blah blah blah! I guess that's how I'm feeling today...pretty much on the blah side. Not such a good day to be blogging! But I'm here sitting at my not so favorite spot in the library. I would much rather be sitting in my house......okay here goes...it sucks! Just had to get it in one more time!

I did do the Race for the Cure this year! I loved it! It felt so good to be out there walking with my family and everyone else! Doing it for my Mom and Aunt Barbara...and not to mention trying to find a cure for this crazy disease! It was so nice to see all the people out....doing it for someone the loved or someone that is fighting! I would post some pictures....but I can't! You know why! I won't say it!

Kids are enjoying school. They all have made some friends. So, that makes me feel better.

Tim works a lot! More then he did in Kentucky. So, we don't really see him that much. We works pretty long hours during the week and hasn't really had a weekend off. I guess that's what it takes when you are starting a new job. Hopefully after football it will slow down a little for him....we can only hope.

Other then that...not much else going on around here. It's nice to be close to home and it's nice to be able to get in the car and drive down for a weekend and see family and have family come up and see us. We enjoy having family up.

PS. Did I tell you that not having a computer at home sucks? Had to get one more in before I was done!

Back to School~

2011-09-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

Today was the day.....

The kids are back to school. To tell you the truth it was a little hard for me today. Not because they were going back to school....but because I'm not used to the school. It's different. It's not what we are used to.

For 6 years we took our children to the schools that we knew. We knew the rules. We knew what to do. So, when today rolled around we were kind of not in the loop! I hate not being int the loop!

We used to be able to walk in to the classroom on the first day and take pictures of them and today...no pictures were taken! First time that hasn't taken place. Nope...I didn't like that...not one bit. Yes, I did get the first day photos, but not the class ones! Yes, I'm a little bummed out. But what can you do? Not much !

The teachers seemed nice.....but they just weren't what I'm used to. I know you are saying just quit complaining! You are here...You are back in Washington! But if I could have taken one thing and put it here for us...it would have been the schools! I loved them!

Okay...I'll stop now. On a good note....I went to Kohl's to get some work out pants for the Walk for the Cure and I walked out without paying a dime!!! I know! How cool is that!! I'm not really sure what happened but I thought they were one sale for $21 and they ended up being on clearance for $3 and I had a $10 cash card. I got it for nothing!! Cool!! I still have $7 to spend!!

Her dream~

2011-08-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

I'm home.....
Shes not here....

This isn't the way we planned it.

This was her dream...our dream.

We talked about this......I can't count how many times we talked about it.

She would have been thrilled, happy and overjoyed!

Her grandchildren were finally coming home! She could see them whenever she wanted.

Her dream came later then we would have wanted. But I know she is happy that we are finally home. Home......and with our families.

It's still hard for me to be in her house. I see her sitting there on the couch....when she was healthy and when she was sick. I see her everywhere I look. Every little thing she picked out, she hung up, she shopped for. It's her.

So many emotions.

I know it will get better as I spend more time in the house.

Your dream finally came true Mom~

Starting Over~

2011-08-17T10:40:00.000-07:00

Here we are again.....
In a new house....
In a new city....

But the good thing is it's not a new state to us.

We have now been here a few days over a month! I still can't believe that we are here...that we are home. Even as I write this it still seems hard to believe...we are home. And believe me I have told Tim we are not leaving this state again!!! He agrees!!

I'm still trying to find my way around town. It's hard trying to figure out where to go for all the normal day to day things. Like where is the best place for groceries. We just found the mall on Sunday....we just went to one store. I need to go back and see what they have...but it's not close. You have to go on this freeway and get on this other freeway!!! Ugh!! It's just not a hop around the corner like I had it in Lexington! I did get lost a week or so ago trying to find Target...now that's a store you must be able to find! But have no fear....we did find it a few days later! I knew I could do it!

Now we are getting ready to start a new school year....a new school for the kids! As much as I love being home...I'm kinda sad about the schools. I loved the school back in Kentucky...well in Lexington! They were great! My kids did so well in them. I knew what to expect as the new school year rolled around. I knew what to do...where to go! I just knew what to do. Now.....I know nothing!!!I'm walking into something that I'm unsure about. I'm sure the kids will do fine, but there is just that but! My worry....a Moms worry!

Then I start thinking about doctors......don't get me stated with that! Another BIG worry!!!

Stating over....hopefully for the last time~

I'm back!!!

2011-08-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

I'm sure by now you have all forgotten about me! It's been so long since my last blog....but that hasn't been my fault! We do not have a computer at home!!! Yes, you heard me!! And it's driving me CRAZY!!! I need my computer hooked up! I have to go to the local library if I need to do anything on the computer...you know important things...like get on face book, blogging and oh yeah try and find a job! So, it seems like we have been here at the library almost every day!!

We are here! We are in our house and I'm still trying to get things done. The simple things like hanging things on the walls and stuff like that. I still have some things to unpack, but it's the little unimportant things. So, the garage is a mess! But it can wait....right? I think so!

The trip here was...hmmm....how can I put this nicely? It was hellish!! I know sometimes I dislike using those words on my blog...but hey that's what it was. It seemed like every day something went wrong! Tim and I lost each other one day! I just kept on driving!! That's what he told me to do! I was just following his directions! We finally caught up with each other on the border of the next state! It was funny the next day! Had a little car trouble and Tim just left us.....kept on driving as the kids and I are shouting in the walkie talkie!!! Finally the car started going again!! Good thing! He was down the road about 30 miles wondering where we went! We didn't go anywhere!!! So, many more stories! But in the end we made it!!

We are glad to be Home! Home with our family! It still seems like I'm just visiting. I still havent' gotten my home legs yet!

PS. I guess now we can't be Kentucky kids anymore! Any ideas for a new name?

Bathroom #2 DONE!!!!

2011-07-03T18:01:00.000-07:00

Okay....these bathrooms have taken us FOREVER! We knew that they would take some time....but we didn't really know that they would take us this much time! But thank gosh that they are finally done! So, I bet you are ready for some pictures.......I even took a few of the front room and dinning room for you....I know I'm just on the ball tonight.

Well, first of all I have to show you the before....well the before we had it all torn apart and ready for remodel. Are you ready for the ugliness? Here it is...if you have to cover your eyes I will understand...it's pretty scary.......

YUCK, YUCK,YUCK!!!!!

But now it's all nice and pretty. It should be Tim worked long and hard on it....but don't forget about his trusty assistant.....ME!!! I was the holder, the tool getter, painter(not so good), anything he needed and I was the one!!! Was I happy about being the trusty assistant? NOT SO MUCH.......but somebody had to do it! Here it is.........

I was a little worried about the green at first...but the more coats he put on the better it looked...or it just grew on me...I'm not sure which one. But it sure looks a lot better now. What do you think?

Now this is the dinning area....we painted it a blue/grey color. It's more grey then blue. I LOVE the color. I would do this color again for sure!

Here is the living room all painted and ready to go!

Look how nice it is! Wouldn't you buy this house? It looks 100% better now then it ever has! We have worked non-stop in this house for 3 weeks straight! From 6:30 in the morning until 11:00 at night! We are both tired and the kids are ready for some fun!

As far as the packing is going......we are actually ahead of the game on that one! We only have the kitchen and the garage to pack up and a few odds and ends. And the Christmas stuff. We had a major packing day yesterday. It felt so good to get most things packed up. We kind of want to leave a few things out this week. Just in case anyone wants to see the house since we will be putting it on the market tomorrow...not that anyone will come looking on the 4th of July! I'll be sure and get pictures of that tomorrow. You know me! Well, I just wanted to keep anyone that is interested in our progress up to date. We are counting down the days! :) I do have to admit I'm a little scared about the drive home!!! But don't tell anyone! I have never drove across the country! I have been a passenger and I did drive some, but to do it all myself.....that's scary! I have some very important people in the car with me that I need to keep safe!

11 days!!!!

2011-06-28T17:10:00.000-07:00

Eleven days!!! Now that's scary!! I'm feeling a little overwhelmed! It seems like everything is coming fast...maybe too fast! We still have so many things to do and I'm just not sure how we are going to get everything done!

The second bathroom should...and I'm saying should....be done tomorrow if everything goes good. The plumber came today and the shower is ready to go. So, I might be able to shower in it after a year and a half!! I'm pretty excited about that. The paint that Tim picked out is well how should I say this.......well, it's GREEN! We thought it was going to be a light green...but it's GREEN! Oh well, it's up and we have to keep going with it! I guess if they don't like it then they can change it. Other then that it will look great. Bead-board went up today.

We did run into a little problem today. We had a house that we thought that we were going to rent for a year and got a call today and that fell through! So, now we are stuck looking for a house!!!! UGH!!! It's just so hard doing everything from here! Looking online is hard! But we really need to have this done. I think it would be easier to have it all figured out before we get home...then when we get home all we have to do is walk into a home!

I just wish that I had my Mom here. You don't know how many times I say this to myself. I need her help! It's just been so hard doing this without her. She has always been here for me when I have did all my moves and to not have her here with me has just put a big hole in everything. Not only for her help but for her support!

Bathroom one pictures....finally!

2011-06-26T17:21:00.000-07:00

Okay...so here it is.......the ugliest bathroom ever!!! This is the before picture. I should have taken one before we started the demo...but I forgot. We started and I just didn't cross my mind. I thought about it after we started it. You can kind of see the wallpaper on the side wall. Isn't it pretty bad? You can say yes. You won't hurt my feelings. For all of you that actually got to see it in person then you know how ugly it truly was. You got the pleasure of seeing it first hand!

I'm giving you just a little peek here. You can't really see the color on the bottom half...but it is the same color as our living room and dinning room. We got a little extra...so we just went ahead and used it up.

Are you ready? Here it is...all finished. It took is a long time...... I hope you like it!

This one I turned the light off and turned on the little light on in the corner.

Today I got Emmie's room all cleaned up and a few boxes packed up. We sold her dresser in the garage sale. It wouldn't have made it home in the big truck. So, we are just going to have to buy her a new one when we get home. I loved it and hated to get rid of it...but it would have broke.

That's all the pictures that I have for you so far. I will post some of the other bathroom later this week. The tile man is doing the grout tomorrow and then we start the bead-board, flooring and painting on it this week. We have a busy week ahead of us again!! The house should be on the market later this week!

So....it's Saturday~

2011-06-25T13:12:00.000-07:00

Okay.....it's Saturday. We are done with bathroom number one....well besides some clean up. But pictures should be coming in the next few days. It's been a LONG few days!!! And I mean LONG!!! I'm so ready for this house to be done. It's driving me CRAZY!!!

Bathroom number two tile is up and now grout will be put in on Monday. Then the rest of the remodel has to happen! Guess what? More bead-board will be going up!!! UGH!!! But the good thing is that this bathroom has no cut outs( look I now know the lingo) and it only has two walls! So, that's great! It should only take a few hours for that. Then we have the new vanity to put in and the flooring and paint! Sounds like a lot....huh? But have no fear...it will get done.

I even had time for a garage sale this weekend! Glad that's done!

I'm just ready to start packing! I want to get things moving along so we can just get home and be done with this!

Well, I just wanted to update you and let you know that I'll be posting some pictures soon.

Just a little update~

2011-06-21T12:29:00.000-07:00

Well.....we are still working!!!! I'm not sure I have stopped! I don't think we will stop until we walk out this door for our long drive home! We stay up late and get up early! Eat? Whats that!

Okay so this is what we have been doing. The living room....done! Dining room.....done! Well, besides a little cleaning, but that is no big deal....I can have that done in no time. We have been working non-stop on the half bath that is off our bedroom. UGH!!! It's taking a long time, but it's finally coming together. We have put up bead-board and if you ever got the chance to see this bathroom then you know that anything would have made it look better!!! It was super UGLY!!!!!! But now it looks really good! I have taken pictures along the way and when it's done I will post them. We are putting up the last of the trim today and then all we have left to do is paint and get a mirror. We were going to hang the one that we already had....but I think that it's going to be really hard to put back up! It's huge!!! We took it out and I don't think I can bring it back in!

Tomorrow the tile guy is coming to work on the main bathroom! That will be nice to finally have that project done! Then after that it will be just little projects! Tim still has to take the tile off......hmmm.....hope he can get that done tonight!

It's just been crazy around here and did I forget to mention that I'm supposed to have a garage sale on Friday??? I haven't gotten anything done for that! I guess I'll be up late again tonight and tomorrow night and the next night! Maybe when we get home I'll be able to sleep.......but then I'll have to start unpacking!!!

Look for pictures soon!!!

Look What I found~

2011-06-15T04:23:00.000-07:00

It's been a long week! A busy week! But I'm not really sure that I have got a lot done! It seems like I get up every morning and my list keeps getting bigger!

We started painting a week ago. What I now know is that I'm not a good painter and that I really don't like to paint! Maybe because it takes forever or maybe because I take forever. I'm sure that my Mom would have had the job done by now and if she is watching me paint she is just shaking her head as I'm doing it! I think....and I mean think...I should get it all done today!! It's not the walls that have been a problem...but the darn white trim on the bottom and on all the doors and windows! That's been the hard part!

But as I was waiting for paint to dry the other day I was cleaning out a drawer and I found a journal of Ty's from school last year. I didn't really go through it...I just put it in his area to go through later...well I guess it was later. I'm going to write it just the way he did.

My Hero

My hero is my Mom because she is always there for me and she always gives me love. But these next two weeks I won't get to see her because my Grandma has 2 types of cancer that I don't want to tell. So now she is in a plane flying off to Washington State. I love my Mom and she loves me. I also hope my Grandma gets well. But we won't find out until 2 weeks unless she calls and says she is better.

The first time I read this it just broke my heart. I'm so glad that he thinks of me as his hero....well thought of me as his hero. I'm sure that time in his life was hard....not only with his Grandma being sick....but also with me being gone.

I just wanted to share with you today something special.

Homeward Bound!

2011-06-08T04:43:00.000-07:00

After just a few months short of 11 years.......we are coming HOME!!!! Well, not really Home, but a few hours from home! Isn't that just unreal! Did you ever think that it would happen? Well, I didn't! Not because I didn't think Tim couldn't get a job....just that there weren't that many out that way. Nobody wants to leave the Northwest. So, it's been a long time coming.....!

The kids are very excited about it. Well, Ty was a little upset about leaving his friends at first, but I think he is coming around. We have talked about it with him and told him that this would be the best time....right as he is entering middle school. Devin was all for it! Even though he is going to be a Senior. He has wanted to be home for a long time. Emmie....well you know Emmie, she is pretty easy going. So, it's a done deal! Tim told his work yesterday and it's going to happen!

So, now lets talk about my feelings.

Of course I'm excited! But I'm also feeling a little sad....maybe even a little scared. Sad for many reasons. We have lived here for awhile and really I have felt more at home here in Lexington then I did when we lived in Arkansas. Maybe because it was more of a city then when we lived in Arkansas. We felt like we were isolated.....had to drive forever to get to a mall or any type of good shopping. Not that shopping is everything...but when you don't have it...then you really miss it! I have watched my kids grow up here. Devin has went through junior high and now was getting ready to graduate from High school. From schools we knew about and he did so well and the teachers LOVED him! I know he will be loved were ever he goes.....he is just like his Dad. We also watched Ty go through the same school for 6 years! And Emmie was following in his foot steps. Ty's name was well known at the school. I drove past the school the other day and it just made me sad. Ty will also not finish his last year at the ball field that he has played at since he was in t-ball! Next year he would have got a wood bat with his name on it.

I know that these things are all things that can be replaced and I'm willing to do so. It just makes me a little sad.

This is the biggie.....!

She waited! She waited a long time for this! She wanted this so bad and I just wish that she was here to see it happen! I wish that she was here with me trying to get this place in order. I need her! Plain and simple! She always helped....I'm just not sure that I can do this without her. Well, I have to, it's just not going to be easy.

She made the long trip out this way with me, Tim, Devin and Ty when he was just a baby. Now we are doing it once again, but this time I won't have her sitting beside me, helping with the drive, helping in anyway that she could. I'll be thinking of her as I'm driving across the country, knowing that the last time I did this she was sitting right beside me.

Really I'm very happy, excited and thrilled to be coming home! My family means the world to me and to be able to hop in the car and drive 2 hours will make my world so much better. It's been a hard 11 years being away from my family, who are not only my family members but are also my friends! My kids will love being able to be HOME for special holidays and other things that we have missed over the years. I know that we may not get to come home every weekend, with the price of gas. But just knowing that we CAN come home and will be able to come home! It won't cost us a fortune in plane tickets....just gas!

I'm also hoping that we will have visitors come and see us since we won't be miles and miles away! Just thinking about it brings a smile to my face!

We are homeward bound :)

Ty's 5th grade Graduation~

2011-06-06T04:08:00.000-07:00

Last week Ty graduated from 5th grade! Now he will be entering middle school. I can't believe it....how fast time flies! Where do the days go? I guess they just go....but the good thing is that I got pictures!!! I know what your thinking.........!!!

The morning started off with some awards. My son happened to get a few of them. They were a surprise to all of us.

The first award was from the computer teacher. She was able to give 2 awards for each class. One was for keyboarding and the other was for the best power point. She called the first three classes and then went on to Ty's class. I did think for one minute that he might get it....he was always doing power points at home. But when she called his name....I was still very surprised. It's a funny feeling you get when you hear you child's name being called.

First award....computer.

His second award was for art. He was in the after school program for art. He seemed to really enjoy it. Last year they got to paint a little horse that was then put out on display at our local library and was also published in a book. So, that award wasn't as much of a surprise to me as the first on was. But I still was overjoyed that he received it!

Art award

The third one......now this one got to me. The principal was up on the stage telling us about this one and letting us know that if your child got picked for this one then that meant that they were very special and that all the parents should be very proud of them. There is only going to be four awarded...one from each class. As she calls them up....I notice that they are all girls. Then she comes up to Ty's class, which is last.....of course and then I hear it.......Ty Tommerup!!!! WOW!!! My son got the Citizenship award! I was so very proud of him!

Ty with 5th grade Diploma

I can't explain what it felt like to see him up on stage that day. All I know is that he is such a great kid at school.......now if I can only get him to be such a great kid at home!!! LOL!!! My heart was swelling with pride!

Ty with all his medals

Ty 5th grade graduation

Memorial Day~

2011-06-01T06:23:00.000-07:00

This weekend was Memorial Day. Most people think of it as a three day weekend, but for me it reminds me of my Mom.

It reminds me of her because she would always spend so much time the week before up at the cemetery getting all the markers all nice and clean, well her and Grandma would. They took such good care of all of them. She took over the job of taking care of Jason's marker for me since I wasn't home to do it. It was very nice of her to do for Devin and I.

She didn't just do it on this weekend....she did it all the time. She kept the supplies in her car and made sure that if the weather was nice....then that was were she was. She loved it! Plain and simple. I know that my family is doing it for her marker. It makes me sad that I can't do it. I can't do it for her or for Jason.

I know this isn't the best subject....but it's life. It's what she would want.....she would want her marker to be kept looking nice and I know that it is. My family knew how important this would be to her. I know she most likely had lots of flowers this weekend.......pretty flowers all around her marker. Just what she would have done for everyone else.

Late night game~

2011-05-29T10:00:00.000-07:00

Okay...last night we...or should I say Ty had a baseball game. It started at about 7:20 last night.....not so bad for a Saturday night. But It went on and on and on! The team we played was the top dog....number one......has only lost one game! But guess what? We won!!! And wouldn't you know it...my son....who hasn't got a hit all year long started it off!!! Yippee for Ty!!!!

I was so nervous when he got up to bat...we were in the last inning.....the score was 4-8. So, it was looking pretty bleak! Not much hope for us. Well, the first batter walked.....then Ty was up...I just was praying that he would either walk or get a hit. And wouldn't you know it he got a hit. A pretty good hit. It went all the way out to center left field!!! Then everyone hit!! WOW!!! It was so nice to have him hit the ball....finally! Maybe this will give him a little confidence....he sure needs it.

Just had to share that with all of you!

Emmie's first grade program~

2011-05-27T11:23:00.000-07:00

Today was Emmie's first grade program......I missed it! :( I'm not so sure that I like this whole working thing! Not if I'm going to be missing my kids programs at school! As I drove to work this morning and passed the school knowing that Tim was sitting in the spot that I normally sit in I started to tear up....no this isn't how it is supposed to be! I should be watching my baby girl!

Emmie all dressed and ready to go~

Emmie with her teacher

But I sent Tim with camera in hand with lots of instructions!!! This is what he left on the table for me. Well the first picture is her before school this morning. I just didn't know what he would come home with....but he did good.

So, first thing I did today when I saw that camera sitting on the table was see what pictures Tim got and what he taped. Yes, I did cry! I missed it....I missed her first grade program! :(

Ty's 5th grade Program~

2011-05-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

Ty before his 5th grade program.

Here is a little clip of it.

They do a 5th grade program every year. This year they did it all about math since they are working on a new math program. I had a really hard time trying to film Ty! He had a part where he went out in the middle of the gym with the rest of his class and did a little Disco dance!! A man thought he could go stand right in the middle of the walkway! Blocked every ones view!!!! I was so MAD!!!! I just don't know why some people think that they can just do what they want and don't think about the people that got there before them ! UGH!!!! I was steaming!!!! But this is what I got....not much.

How I made my day better~

2011-05-25T17:19:00.000-07:00

Okay....so I had a bad day! How did I make my day better?

First I made some homemade salsa....it's super yummy and you know it sure needed something..........

This is what it needed.......or should I say this is what I needed! Well, I didn't stop at just one! Can you stop at just one? I don't think you can! I needed a few tonight after the day I had! I have needed a few lately! They sure do taste good with a nice fresh lime!! But the night wouldn't be complete with out a little music from one of my very favorites............................................................!

Mr. Kenny Chesney! I do like listening to him while drinking a couple Coronas and cooking dinner!

My night turned out all right after my bad day! I just hope I still have a few left for tomorrow night! You just never know what tomorrow may bring!!!

What a DAY!!!

2011-05-25T12:33:00.000-07:00

What a day I had! I'm not really an emotional person when it comes to work. I mean I don't really get upset about it....but today when I walked out that door all I wanted to do was cry! And call my Mom.

It was like everything I touched I messed up! I should have known from the start of the day that it wasn't going to be good!

After today I'm wondering if they will want me back next year. These ladies are tough.....let me tell you! They are fast. I thought I was fast, but no I don't even come close to these ladies. Those 3 hours that I'm there are like I'm running a marathon or something! I just can't even come close to keeping up with them. Maybe if I actually new what the heck I was doing I might feel a little bit better about it.

Two more days!!! Two more days on the serving line! I think I can make it! I have to make it. Friday will be an easy day.......I hope! Tomorrow is going to be Hell!!! Did I just say that? Yes, I did! Why you ask? Well, it's french fry day! Every kid loves french fries.....and every kid gets french fries!!! I'm beginning to hate french fries!!!!

What would she think?

2011-05-24T13:25:00.000-07:00

Well, lots of things are going on right now? What you ask? Too many to name and one thing I just don't want to think about. Nothing bad. I just don't want to think too much on it.

What I would really like right now is my Mom. I would be able to tell her what is going on and she would be able to tell me what she thinks. Well, I know what she would think about it....but I just want to hear it from her. I want to hear her voice....the excitement....the hopefulness.....just her voice! Is that too much to ask?

Some days I just sit here and I stare...I stare at this computer and I think! I think about her and I think about what I can do to make her proud of me. What would she do? What does she think of me? What did she think of me? Did I make her happy? I know I'm not perfect...I know I wasn't always the perfect daughter. I know that I mess up in life just like everyone else. But what I think about most now is did I make her happy.....did I make her proud of me.

What would she think?

Ty playing for the REDS~

2011-05-23T13:45:00.000-07:00

Well here we are...another year of baseball. This year has been a little bit different for us all.....more so for Ty. He went up a level. He is now in the major division. Which is a little bit harder then last year. The kids are all a LOT better. They want to be there! They want to play baseball.

Ty hasn't been playing all that much. He is the younger one this year. He also isn't hitting that great. Well, I know the pitchers are much better then last year. They actually put it where they want....they are fast! So, it's hard to watch our son sit on the bench when we are used to him being one of the kids who plays the whole game. I know next year will be different and he will play more, but it still isn't easy for me or Tim.

They do have some pretty nice uniforms. They got new ones this year....so that was nice. They even put the last names on the hats. I thought that was pretty neat.

I have yet to get any action shots of Ty this year. I will try and get that done in the next few weeks. We only have a few more games left of the season. It's been a rainy one around here. Not much sun! Doesn't seem like baseball without the sun!

Changes~

2011-05-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, all I have to say is that working every day has really messed up my blogging! So, I really tip my hat to all you working Moms! I mean I knew that it wasn't easy....but now I really know it's not easy! I don't even work that many hours and I still don't have time to do all the things that I used to do! Just keeping up with the laundry is a major accomplishment for me now! I try and get things done in the morning before I go to work and then by the time I get home it's time to get the kids and then dinner and baseball! Where oh where does the time go?

So, there it is.....my excuse for not doing a post last week and now it's super late today....but better late then not posting....right?

As for my job....it's going good. I haven't really made any major screw ups......yet! I know I still have a few more weeks of school left.....plenty of time to mess something up! On Monday I started the serving line. I couldn't sleep all Sunday night. I was worried! Plain and simple! Well, maybe worried isn't the right word.....SCARED...is the right word! I mean these ladies have done this job! They know what they are doing...I know NOTHING! And I mean nothing!

I kept telling myself all morning that I could do this...I could serve these little middle schoolers! They didn't have nothing on me. Well, besides their little attitudes! I did ask for a little help from a few people above........I sure needed it that day....well, I need it every day, but that day I needed it a little more then any normal day.

Then to top everything off.....I was going to be working with the manager....the boss....the lady that makes the decision if they want me back!!! YIKES!!!

To make a long story short.........she said I did a GREAT job for my first time!

Now I would like to talk about something I wish that I could change.....well, something I wish that I could change about myself. There is a lot of things that I wish that I could change....but this something is something that I have been dealing with my whole life and you would think that me being as old as I'm that I might have changed it already, but no I haven't.

Have I got you hooked? Are you wondering what it is that I wish that I could change? Maybe some of you already know. Maybe I should just leave it like this and see if you all could guess what it is...................

Okay, okay I won't do that to you . I know you are all waiting with great excitement to see what I'm talking about......LOL!!! Yeah right! I'm sure I got you all captivated! LOL!!!!

Are you ready? Here it is.

I have a really hard time just talking to people that I don't know and sometimes I even have a hard time talking to people that I do know. I just have a hard time trying to think of things to say. I want to keep people interested. I don't want them to think I'm boring. So, what do I do? I end up not talking at all. I usually let them do all the talking. I'm a good listener! That's what I'm good at. So, then I have been wondering if maybe when I don't talk if maybe they think that I'm not friendly or nice. I surly don't want them to think that.

There I said it! I'm not sure if that made me feel better to have said it or not...but now it's out there!

My Mom could always talk to anyone and everyone. I wish that I was more like her. I have known many people that could walk into a room and just go right up to people have a conversation....not me. I'm happy just talking to the people that I know. I have even known someone that could walk in a room and before they left the room the whole room knew them and wanted to be that persons friend. Wouldn't it be nice to be that kind of person?

I have always been SHY and I hate that! I wish that I was normal.

Mother's Day~

2011-05-08T14:16:00.000-07:00

It's Mother's Day....................

My morning started out with Emmie coming into my bed. She said....." Happy Mother's Day" and then went on to say that "I know that this day is sad for you and your sisters. I know you all must miss your Mom so much"...she says. I said "yes we do miss her....a lot." Then the moment was gone. She was back to talking about her things....like little dogs and whats for breakfast.

It's not like I need this one day to think of my Mom or remember her.....I think of her every day and remember little things about her that I may have forgotten about. They just pop into my head. I love it when that happens! It's like a forgotten memory. I love just sitting and thinking.....thinking about all the things we used to do, all the things we used to talk about. Those memories bring me comfort.

Here Mom and Dad are with all the grandkids.....Carter is just a little Baby here.

I just wanted to add a few pictures of mom on this day............Mothers Day.

Mom...............you are missed and loved so very much. You are thought of by all of us and talked about every day...not only by me, but your grandkids. They wish that you were here. We can't wait to come home this summer and give you the prettiest, pink flowers that we can find. I know how much you enjoyed giving flowers to others.

Happy Mothers Day to the best Mom a daughter could ever ask for..........I Love you~

First week..................DONE!

2011-05-06T13:12:00.000-07:00

Okay.................that was a tough one! But I made it! My first week is done! Now I only have four more weeks to go! I think I can do it....I think I can get this down....well maybe! The really hard job doesn't start until week three! That's when I'll be really sweating! That's when I'll be on the serving line!

For the last three days of work I have been doing the trays and the cleaning up afterwards.....not an easy job....but something I can do. The first day I came home and my legs and arms were so sore! I guess I haven't worked those muscles in a long time. But to tell you the truth it made me feel good...it made me feel like I actually did something with my day!

It wasn't easy getting up early the next day and going off to my other job and lifting those little ones! But I did it...I made it through my first week working two jobs! One more week of this then I'm just working the one job.

So, I guess now I need to apologise for not posting on Wednesday! I'm sorry! I just didn't have it in me. I know pretty lame excuse! But I'm going to do a special post for Mothers Day! Maybe that will make up for me missing one????? I hope so!

Now I need to go and sit on the couch for about ten minutes before I have to get up and cook dinner before a baseball game......oh the life of a Mom~

I GOT A JOB!!!

2011-04-30T09:29:00.000-07:00

Yes....I got a job! I found out on Thursday afternoon. I have been working on this for awhile now. It's not really my dream job......but in these times a jobs a job. The hours are okay....not that many per day, but with kids at home and needing to be home in time for them when they get out of school it's just about perfect!

Oh....did I forget to tell you what job I got? Well, I'll be working in a middle school in the cafeteria. I'm not really sure what I'll be doing....she didn't tell me that. I guess I'll find out on Monday. But my guess is that I'll be working during the busy lunch hours! Since I'm working from 11-2.

I'm really rather nervous about it! I haven't done this type of work before! YIKES!! I hope I do a good job!

Well, the thing is I filled out the application to start out as a sub and I guess if I do good and they like me then I can have the job next year! So, hopefully they like me and I can impress them with my job skills!

I still have to finish out my Moms Day Out job for the next two weeks and they were okay with that. So, for the first two weeks I will only be working 3 days a week at the school and then after that I'll be working five days! That will be new for me!

Wish me luck!!!

Family~

2011-04-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I will sit and think......think about the past. Think about our family and some of the things that we have done. Some people might say we are kind of a different kind of family. Why? Well.......I think that our family does so much with each other.

I remember growing up and I remember going to Grandmas house. It was the funnest place to be. I know us kids would be outside playing and all the sisters would be inside most likely complaining about us kids! Grandma would make the best things......buns, cookies, taffy bars(one of my favorites) and my all time favorite.....donuts! Yum...just thinking about them makes me want some right now! But those days bring back so many great memories not just of my Mom, but of all my Aunts. They all have something special about them. You don't really have anything bad to say about any one of them. That place at Grandmas was the place to be.

Now we are grown and that is the place we always want to take our kids...to Grandmas house...to my kids she is Grandma donut....to others she may be Granny. We all have special names for her. She is a special lady! My Mom loved to spend so much time with her.

I love being home and being around my family. It just feels right! Even though I may have not have seen them in over a year...I can still walk right back in and feel at home!

What a morning!

2011-04-27T09:26:00.000-07:00

My morning has been a little tornadic! Not really sure if that's a word, but today it sounds just about right! They had been telling us all morning that we were going to be having some weather coming in. But off the kids went to school....the sun was out and it looked okay! But that was all about to change!

It was about 8:45 when the gave us the warning! Yup! The warning to get down into the basement! The sirens went off! I'm thinking about the kids at school! They practice this all the time...but they have never really had to do it! We never have had it while they are at school. It's scary when they are not with you.

We were on a warning for about an hour. Poor Emmie! She gets so scared when we have these when she is at home....I'm not really sure how she did at school...hopefully she did okay. We had one of these on Friday night! It was worse then today's......she was very upset and crying and just wanted everyone to be home. Tim wasn't here that night...he was out at a baseball game.

The funny thing is that now it's sunny! You wouldn't even be able to tell that less then a few hours ago this place looked so scary and gloomy! Living here in the South is not fun in the Spring!

They say that we are in for another storm later this afternoon........great!!!

I'm trying this again~

2011-04-20T11:12:00.000-07:00

Okay....what you may not know is that this is my second attempt at this today! I tried to do a post a little while ago and it just didn't sound right. I didn't like where I was going with it at all. So, now I'm going to try it again.....hopefully this one will actually make it to blog land!

The other day my neighbor and I were talking about another neighbor. She is moving....she is a little bit.....hmm let me try and get the right word for her........slow? Well, anyways her Mom passed away around 6 months ago or maybe it was more then that. But she was almost 100 years old. She was taking care of her at home and she really had a hard time with it. She would yell and scream at her...not the daughter but the Mom. Anyways.....she talks about her all the time and the other neighbor said that she was getting tired of hearing about it and it's not like anyone else has lost a Mom!

Well, after that conversation that got me thinking........I was wondering if anyone thought that I was talking about my Mom way too much! Then I started feeling bad about my blog! Thinking that maybe no one really wanted to hear all this stuff! Oh my God! Was I doing the same things that she was doing!!!

Then after thinking about it for a few days...I thought to myself that I really don't talk about her that much. I only talk about her to you guys. Well, and to my family here. I really don't have that many people to share my feelings with. I for sure don't go talking about it to my neighbors!!! So, hopefully you all don't think I'm talking about her too much.....I'm surly not trying to! I guess this is my way....my only way to share with you my feelings and what I'm going through. I know it might not be the best way, but it's my way.

For me writing about her is a lot easier then talking about her. I can get more out this way then when I talk about her. My true feelings come out. If you were to call me and ask me how I'm doing....my reply would be fine or you know how it is. That's just me. Easier to write about me and my feeling then talk about them.

This week has been a hard week...an emotional week. Some days I can't look at a picture of my Mom. I have them scattered around the house. Two are on my bedside table. One with just her and the other one is with her and the kids. It was taken when she moved us out here. She is holding Emmie in her arms and both boys are holding on to her. Tim found it and put that in a frame for me before I got home after she passed away. Some days I see it and have to hurry and look away...while other days I just stare at it and can't believe that she isn't here.

She's done it again~

2011-04-13T09:33:00.000-07:00

I made it through Spring break! It was a little crazy in this house with all the kids home and then to top it off Tim was off for a few of those days! So, if anyone was wondering why I didn't do any posting last week it was because I had a houseful and also because we did a few things. I'll be posting some pictures later. I can't do it today because we had a little problem after the rain! The basement got flooded again! Not too bad this time around...but it's drying out today and hopefully we will be able to put it all back together in a few days. It's a good thing that we really don't have much down there that can get ruined. It's mainly just my work area.

She's Done it again~

My daughter........I just don't know where she gets it, the things she comes up with, the things she says. She seems to be so much older then she actually is.

The other day for some reason she wanted to tell me that even though we can't see Grandma she can still see us. She went on to tell me more and for the life of me I can't remember all that she said. All I know is that by the end of our conversation I had tears in my eyes.

Another day we were watching TV and there was a story about a lady with Breast cancer and out of the blue she asks me....."Mom, when Grandma passed away did she just fall down?" I go on to tell her how Grandma was in a hospital and try and tell her in a gentle way of how it happened. but before I had finished she stopped me. She said...."Mom, If this is making you sad talking about it I understand." I'm amazed that she is so thoughtful, so understanding of my feelings.

I have told you all before that after seeing how sensitive she is to my feelings that I have now held back on when I'm sad and thinking about my Mom. I will try and do that when I'm by myself. Not that I don't talk about her, but I don't just sit and do it all the time. She comes up with this stuff all on her own.

I wish that my Mom was here to see what a wonderful little girl she has become~

It's Happening~

2011-03-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

Well, it's happening......Going through my Moms stuff!

Well, I'm not going through it. I'm not able to do it... I know that I don't need to tell you why...you all know why.

It's a little depressing that I can't be involved with it. That I can't sit and go through everything. Not just because I want some of her things, but because I want to sit there and I want to remember her. I want to remember her in those things. I want to sit there and see her in my mind...wearing those clothes...those clothes that she picked out. Those clothes that she most likely got for a really good price. Maybe I'm crazy......................But that's really what I want.

It's just really hard to explain how after all this time I still feel so lost with out her. Not that it really has been along time...but some people may think that I should be getting better.....and I will admit that I'm getting better. But I still miss her more then ever and I still feel like a part of me is just gone.

Lyndsey has been going through it getting me some things that I have told her I would like and some other items that she thinks I would like...so that was nice of her to do. I know it's not easy for any of them...my Dad included. I don't know how he can look inside that empty closet...because it will be empty now with all her things gone. It was all her stuff in it before and now.......what will be in there?

There is one thing that I did request yesterday while talking to Lyndsey......not that my Dad is giving it away...but if he ever does.....I put in my request right now! I want the bread box in the kitchen. Not that Mom used it for bread. She stored all her jewlery inside of it! The reason that I'm asking for it is because she gave Lanette, Leah and Lyndsey all bread boxes and I never got one from her. So....for all of you this is what I want. Then we could all have one from her. I'm sure Dad won't want to give it up for some time...but when the time comes....... It's always been kind of a funny thing for her to have that in the kitchen and use it for jewlery and not bread and you know what? I would keep that tradition going! No bread in that bread box!!!

A fix~

2011-03-25T09:34:00.000-07:00

Today I needed a fix.......a Mom fix! So, what did I do to get my fix? I went and looked at all my blog posts and got to read about her and I also got to hear her voice! It made me smile and it also made me cry! Isn't it funny that you can go through so many different feelings? I just needed to see her today. I just needed to hear her voice. I think I just needed to have a good cry! That's what I really needed. The house is quiet....no one is home and it's my time. My time to think....my time to think about her with no interruptions. I just needed to feel close to her today.

Summer Plans?

2011-03-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here and my mind is all jumbled up...is jumbled a word? Well, that's how my mind is feeling right now. I have so much to say, but I can't seem to put it into words. Somedays it just flows and other days I can't seem to get it out.

One of the things that is on my mind right now is summer. We have been talking about summer and if we will be going home for a few weeks this summer. Emmie has been asking to come home....well, no she has been begging to go home this summer for her birthday. She wants to go to Washington so bad. That's all she has been talking about for months! She has been asking Tim about it and he has told her that we will TRY and get home. It has been over a year since her and Ty have been home. Devin was home last summer and he had lots of fun being home without the rest of us. He got spoiled and pretty much got to do whatever he wanted. What kid wouldn't want that? I would love that! But this year we are all going to try and get home as a family.

But for me it's not as easy as one might think. It's not as easy to walk in that door and not see her smiling and waiting to see her grand kids. For me I will have to face it! Face the fact that she isn't there. I mean I know she isn't here...but I will have to kind of relive it all. I left it all and haven't been back since. I will see her gravestone for the very first time. That for me won't be easy. Giving her flowers and knowing that I won't be able to do it again for another year or two.

So, thinking about summer is hard for me. I want to come home and be with everyone and see everyone. But then I will have to leave...... I will have to say goodbye........ Goodbye to her yet again.

Devin's Birthday!!

2011-03-22T13:32:00.000-07:00

Wow......I can't believe that Devin is 18! Where has the time gone. I can still remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. What a day it was! He was a very little guy and now look at him. He is growing into such a handsome young man!

Cook books from his bus driver

Blowing out his birthday candles

Devin with his new Wii game

He had a really great birthday....thanks to all of you for making it really special for him!

Pretty is what Changes~

2011-03-09T07:17:00.000-08:00

I found another book......Pretty is What Changes.

It's kind of funny that I happened to pick this one up. I went to look in the biography section of the library and just happened to see this this one. I noticed it because it was pink.....so I picked it up and wanted to see what it was about. Here is a quick over view for you. It's about a lady who's mother had Breast cancer and then ended up having Ovarian cancer and now she found out she tested positive for BRCA. I'm almost done with it. It has been very interesting and very informative. Maybe at times a little too much information, but I guess you can never have enough information.

But in this book when she is talking about her Mom and it's time for her to pass on...the nurse is telling her and her sister that she will not go with them in the room. I'm brought back to when it was my Mom's time. She wouldn't go with us in the room. She wouldn't let us see her take her last breath.....she waited until we were out of the room and my Dad was relaxing and then she went. She didn't want us to see her go. That's what Mothers do. I understood it all then. Not that it made me feel any better, but I know that's what she did that day. That was her last thing that she could do for us and that was what she was going to do and she fought all day to do it.

She gets it~

2011-03-04T12:35:00.000-08:00

I'm sure you all know that I went back to work in November. I started working with someone new. I was a little worried because I was going to be with a different person. You know what it's like when you have to work with someone different.....you just don't know what to expect. What they will expect from you. I just want to do a good job and to be liked. I have always been that way. I'm a person who likes to please. I want to please everyone and I sometimes feel like I don't do a good enough job.

Well, she is very nice and I like her a lot...I hope that she like me and that she thinks that I'm doing an okay job, that I fit in. I know when you take have to take someones spot that you have been working with it's hard.

The thing about Jenny is that she understands what I'm going through. She has been through this...she gets it! Her Dad passed away and she was very close to him and he had cancer also and did the whole hospice thing. So, she understands. She is someone here that I can talk to about it. Not that we have a lot of time to talk while we are working...but it's just nice to know that she is there if I need to talk. She has experienced the same pain as I have.

A week ago, the lady in charge of Moms Day Out lost her Dad also. As I was telling her how sorry I was, she says to me......I now understand what you went through and it's not fun, not fun at all. All I could say is.....I know. I couldn't tell her that it gets better, because for me it's just not better yet.

Yearly appointment~

2011-03-04T10:26:00.000-08:00

Today was my yearly appointment with my Dr. It went pretty good....compared to last years. I think I spent most of last year at this or that doctor. So, as of today I only have a few things to do. At first I really didn't think I liked my doctor, but the more I seen her the more I liked her. She is very caring to my situation and she really understands what I'm going through.

Here is a few things that I will be doing in the next few months...if you are at all interested.

First of all I will try and get into the UK testing for Ovarian Cancer. I guess that since we now have cancer in the family she wants me to try and get some free testing done. She is pretty sure that I will be able to get in and also be able to get the BRCA analysis test done for free. Which is good since our insurance most likely will not pay for it. The doctor was really nice about it, but the receptionist wasn't!! Why do they always have to be like that? It's not like it's going to be their problem! All she did was have to make a simple phone call. She looked at me and said, "You are not 50....you won't get in!" Well, The doctor said for you to call! So there!! It would be nice if they had this kind of thing in Washington or Oregon....well maybe they do!

I also have to go in and get a mole looked at that is on my back. Hopefully it is nothing. she just said that it looked funny and she wanted me to get it looked at.

Other then that everything looked okay. I do go in on the 14th of this month for my six month mammogram and ultrasound. I'll let you know how that goes.

Sorry it's such a boring post!

Memories in a Box~

2011-02-28T10:58:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay.....I'm so late at posting!! I mean really late...like days late. What is my excuse? Hmmm......well to be completely honest with you....I just didn't have it in me last week and then I thought I would just wait until after Devin's birthday and then do a post on that. Now I just need to upload my photos and I can do that post. I know I'm so not doing good on my blogging these last few weeks. But I'm thinking about it. I have two things in my brain that I could write about, but today I only have time enough to write about one of them. I have to go and pick up the kids in an hour....so I'm sure I will only be able to post one of them. Then when they get home everything just goes CRAZY around here!

So, after all that are you ready? Hmm....I didn't hear you! LOL.....just a little humor on a very stormy Monday! Okay here goes................

The other day I was looking for my high school diploma and as I was looking for it, I was coming across things that I really wasn't ready to come across. As I was looking for it I would have to stop and look at all the other stuff that I was finding. Places that I really needed to stay away from. I was crying and looking and not finding my diploma!!! UGH!!! Not a fun day!

So, I finally go into a box that I know for sure it's not in. Devin's box. It has all of his childhood memories inside. As I'm looking inside this box I lift up the blankets and guess what? Yes.....there is my diploma!!! Why on earth would I put it in Devin's box? What was I thinking? Anyways...... I'm so happy that I found it...but then as I dig deeper in the box I see things......I see all these memories. All of them are memories of my Mom. Like the little glass figures that she gave him every year for his birthday. Well, for boys they only went to age 5. So, yes the tears come down......his birthday was the next day. She should be here for this day. I see the little boy rabbit that she gave him....she would always put that out at Easter. It's those little things that bring on all these memories. I see his little hippo that he had and I see him at Grandma's house with my Mom.....all these memories come out as I'm looking in the box. I finally had to stop...I couldn't make it through the box. I know there are more memories of her in that box....some of them I will have to tell him about.

I'm just so glad that Devin will have all these memories of his Grandma....she loved him so much~

Time Machine~

2011-02-16T14:02:00.000-08:00

Boy am I late at posting today....but I guess better late then never. I didn't want to not post. I missed a few a few weeks ago and I didn't want to do that again. I felt really bad about it.

I know you are thinking that's a funny tital for today...but actully Ty is the one that made me think of this post. Don't all boys think of Time Machines?

We were in the car one morning getting ready to go to school and Ty says to me...."Don't you wish you could have a Time Machine?" At first I just kind of don't really think about it, but after a few minutes I think to myself......yes...I do wish I had a time machine! As the kids gets out of the car and walk to school....I start thinking more and more about this whole Time Machine.

I go home to a quiet house and thats when I can start thinking! I can start planning on when I would use my time machine. I think would I use it to go home sooner? No.....I would use it so that we could find out sooner that my Mom had breast cancer...yes, that's it. That's when I would use my time machine! We could save her life with this time machine! We could save other lives! People that mean so much to us....we could save them all!!!

But then reality hits!!! We don't have a time machine and I don't think we ever will! I guess that's what you get when you start thinking like a 10 year old!

Too Many Good byes~

2011-02-09T07:27:00.000-08:00

Over the years I had to say many good byes to my Mom.

I remember the first BIG good bye. We had made the move to Arkansas and it was just going to be me and the family...no one else! I had told everyone else good bye already and then came the big one, telling my Mom good bye! That was hard...she was always there for me and now she was going to be over 2,000 miles away. She couldn't just run over if I needed her.

Then came the good byes every time we came home for a visit. It seemed like I always saved her for my last good bye. She was always the hardest person to say it to. I couldn't hardly get it out. I always had the big lump in my throat and I knew that if I tried to talk I would start to cry! It was always really quick...for both of us.

Then when Mom was in the hospital and we were leaving for the night...those were hard also. It was hard to leave her there. It was hard to walk out of her room and not know what we were going to see the next day or how she was going to be feeling.

Telling her good bye on her final day with us was very hard. I know I have talked to you about this day and I will never forget it. I can recall every moment of it like it was yesterday. Walking out of her room after she passed away felt like I was missing something....like a part of me went with her.

But that wasn't the last good bye.......I still had to see her one more time, well I should say, I still got to see her one more time. That wasn't easy. Saying good bye to my Mom....the last time I got to see her face. As hard as it was, I didn't want to leave...I couldn't leave! I wanted to stay as long as I could. It was so hard walking out that door...knowing that it was my last good bye.

A short post~

2011-02-05T17:48:00.000-08:00

Well.......I missed two weeks!! Sorry!

The other day at work I was sitting listing to a story that a lady was telling us ......she is a Grandma. She was telling us that her daughter and grandchildren had spent the night and her granddaughter had got sick during the night and then how the next day she went over and stayed the night with her daughter and helped her with her kids because they all were sick. As she was telling me this story all I could think about is my Mom and how that is what she would do and how I don't have that. All I kept thinking is that I want that!! I havent' had that for a long time...I wasn't able to have my Mom come over when the kids were sick, but I was able to call her and talk to her about it. She made me feel better by just hearing her voice.

Just a short little post today....thinking about my Mom today.

Ty's Young Achiever pictures~

2011-01-24T10:42:00.000-08:00

Here is Ty's picture for his Young Achievers that he was nominated for. This picture is up at the local mall. We went and had to get his picture by it on Saturday night...I mean how many times will your child's picture be up at the mall? I don't think many times. I think he was a little embarrassed, but he made it through! I only got to take a few photos...not as many as I would have liked to take. But they will be at school soon!

This is the one that we will get when it's all said and done. It cost a pretty penny, but we had to have it!!

This photo tells you a little about why he was chosen to be a Young Achiever.

Okay, so we are on the road to find out who wins. One of the Young Achievers from each school will win and the big winner. Like I said in one of my other posts, he has some pretty tough competition. But I guess it's not about winning , even though that would be nice, it's about being nominated by his teachers. He's a really good kid and student. So, I guess that says a lot about him already! I'll keep you posted if I hear anything.

My Girl~ Emmie Laine

2011-01-19T12:28:00.000-08:00

Well..I thought I would give you a little update on my Emmie Laine with some pictures! I took these this morning. She got this outfit from Lyndsey and family for Christmas...isn't it cute!! She always gets the cutest outfits from my sisters! She is getting so tall...maybe she will be taller then me one day. Ty's already heading in that direction, but then again it doesn't take much to get taller then me!

Lyndsey got her this outfit for Christmas! LOVE IT!

She is doing pretty good in school. She does go to an after school program for math. But the thing is that they are helping her now so she won't get far behind. They are doing this new program at her school and it's really making the kids start from scratch! Our school district is the only one in the US that is doing it right now. It's going to help them later on when the math gets harder. I hope so!

We are trying out some new hairstyles! I didn't get a really good picture of this one...it looks cuter in real life!

She is sweet girl and loves dogs. She would have this house full of them if she could!! We can't let her or Tim go to the Human society!! No telling what they would bring home. She is very sensitive....you have to be very careful about how you word things...before you know it you will have tears coming down if you say it the wrong way!

She is my sweet, sweet girl~

My little reminder~

2011-01-19T11:18:00.000-08:00

A couple of months ago I got a REALLY special package in the mail. It was special for many reasons. The lady that sent it to me means the world to me! It was like I had a little mini Christmas that day.

I took my package downstairs and opened it up. Inside where all these little packages wrapped in PINK tissue paper! Too cute! I was very emotional as I unwrapped each and every one of those gifts! They all had such special meaning! This lady went all out!! She always does!! She never does anything half way...you know I'm talking about Barbara!! She got me a pink shirt and a matching vest. Then she gets me this purse and inside the purse it has pockets....and inside the pockets there are little gifts!!! All of it was wonderful and very special!

Now there is still one more gift inside the box...this one is from my sisters. I'm not really sure what it could be. So, I pick it up and start unwrapping it and instantly I see the soft pink ear and I start crying!! Emmie is standing beside me and she is asking me what is wrong...well to tell you the truth I'm crying pretty hard. I sit on the chair and continue to pull out the rest of the gift. Emmie is looking at me very strangely...wondering why I'm crying over a stuffed animal. She doesn't know that it was my Mom's...she doesn't know what it means to have it in my hands.

The story behind the pink and white stuffed dog~

Leah and I were at the hospital with Mom, the first time she was in. She was talking about wanting one of those big pillows that you can sit up in bed with, so we went shopping. She had a big pillow at her house and we ended up getting her a new pillowcase, but we wanted to get her something else. Leah thought about a stuffed animal...and if we were going to get her one...we might as well get her a little cute dog! We saw a few and even had one in our hands, but then Leah saw this pink one!! That was it...this was the one for Mom!! She LOVED it!!! She used it to keep her comfortable...under her arms and so forth. It was a hit.

She had it with her when she was at the hospice house, I think it just made her feel better.

So, anyways........

For some reason that I can't even recall....after she passed away and we all went into see her , I must have picked up the pink little dog! Because I remember having it in my hands the whole time. I may have put it down for the toast, but I remember walking out with it.

I told Emmie all about the Pink little dog and she liked that it was Grandmas and one day when she wasn't feeling good I asked her if she wanted to hold it and maybe it would make her feel better and she did and of course it made her feel better! :) Then she asked if she could sleep with it one night and then one night turned into two nights and so on. But the thing is that every morning she puts that pink little dog right back in my room...just to go back and get it later that night. But that's okay...I think my Mom would be okay with that....she would like for us to share her little pink dog...one day I'll give her that pink dog, but right now I can't part with it.

It's my little reminder about how happy it made my Mom and now it makes me happy and Emmie! Thanks Leah, Lyndsey and Lanette for letting me have it! I know that every piece of Mom is so precious to all of us~

She could always find a bargain!

2011-01-14T11:27:00.000-08:00

Okay....so last night I FINALLY got a winter coat!! Okay I'm lying...I got two winter coats!! I know!! How fun for me...but they were having a super good sale and one is nice one and one is a going to the store and running around and it can take me into the spring on those super late baseball game nights. Only after living in here in Kentucky for 6 years!! We really didn't need one when we were in Arkansas. It was only cold for the month of December and then it started to get nice again. So, I'm sure you are asking yourself what has this got to do with my tittle for the day......well I will tell you...you just have to be patient with me and my going from one thing to another! I'm so bad at that!

I got up this morning and got my new coat all ready and was putting it on and I was thinking about my Mom and how she always had so many coats!! I know that she most likely never paid much for them. She most likely bought them at a garage sale of something like that. But you would have never guessed that. Her stuff never looked like it came from garage sales. Not that garage sales are bad...I never put anything that has stains or gross stuff in my garage sales that I have. Anyways........she always and I mean always found the good stuff!! Whenever I would go with her she would always manage to find something good! She would find the best things out of the worst places. She just new that they had something. If she didn't find it they way she wanted....she thought to her self how could she make it better...and she did it. You can go out on the porch and see the many things that she made out of nothing.

So....thinking about what I spent on my coats, even though I got them for a pretty big discount...I know she is thinking that she could have done a lot with the money that I spent on my two winter jackets.

I thought about putting some pictures of me in my new winter jackets for you all to see.......but then thought better of it!! No one wants to see that!!! LOL!! Yeah right, you all know me better then that right???

A bargain hunter she was~

Feeling Bad.....:(

2011-01-07T10:25:00.000-08:00

Every since I have wrote my last post I have been feeling bad!! I hope that who ever read it didn't think I was talking about you! I guess I was mainly thinking that I should be doing better and that you might be thinking the same thing. I know my blog maybe a downer blog and maybe I should try posting uplifting things!! Maybe I should try and do what I first set out to do.....write about my Mom, stories about her. I'm sure once and awhile I will put in my feelings and tell you how I'm feeling, but I will try and do other things. Make it not so depressing!!! Sound good? Okay! That's what I will do!

Devin had his surgery on the 4th. It was an easy one. He just had his stent taken out. So, he was only in surgery for about 10 minutes...maybe. It took longer for them to get him ready and for recovery. We went in at 11:15 and we were home at 2:15. He was eating a sandwich a few minutes after that! So, he was back to himself. The doctor did say that he did have some stone fragments on his stent already forming!!! UGH!!! What are we going to do about that!! He is testing the fragments and hopefully we will hear something next week. He did mention that Devin needs to drink LOTS of water. Devin didn't like hearing this. But you have to do it! He goes in to see him in February (22nd) for a post op and an ultrasound. I guess we will see what happens then!

Ty's picture for his Young Achievers will be at the mall for a week later this month and then they will be putting it up at his school for a few weeks. It's been a long time coming and then we will see who wins. Ty has some pretty good competition! One student from his school will win and then one student will win the BIG prize from all the schools around here. I'm sure I will post a picture of him standing by his picture!! I'll keep you posted on that.

Okay now this is a secret......Emmie does not want her Daddy to know this!!!! So, keep it under wraps! She has a crush on a little boy in her classroom!! I think it's pretty early for her to have a crush!! What about you?? Well, his name is Reese! Her and her BFF both like him! She writes his name all over the place! When Tim asked her about it....she came up with a really good line.....it's a stuffed animal!!! Good one Emmie!!!

Tim...is working away! He has had some time off over Christmas. But he is getting ready for Spring!! Another busy season! He has enjoyed having some time off to be with the kids and TJ. He likes going for walks. He will be going on a little trip in February with the Big boys! Going to watch a little Hockey!!

Me.......I'm back to work. It's in a new classroom and it's a little bit tougher! The kids are still getting to know me and I'm still getting to know them. I really like the lady I work with. She's super nice and sweet! Other then that, not doing much. I need to be working on my scrapping!!! I'm falling way behind!!! Maybe this weekend I'll get something done......or maybe not!! LOL! I do have some other things I need to work on!

Well, I just jabbered away!! Just making sure you all knew what was going on in our house!!

Happy New Year! :)

It's a New Year~

2011-01-05T08:50:00.000-08:00

All that I can say about last year....is that it sucked!! I know I hate using that word...but it did! It was hard...it was sad....and it just didn't seem to have an end!! It seemed like things just never ended. Like there was always something right around the corner just waiting...just teasing us. Just when we thought, just maybe something good might happen....NOPE!!! Not going to happen! Can this year get better? It has too!! Not only for me and my family.......but for my extended family!!! All of us!! Things have to have a Happy Ending. I won't take anything less then that!

So, as far as my blog goes.........I know this last year I have spent many days blogging about my sadness. I know that maybe some of you might not want to hear about it. Some of you might be thinking to yourselves that maybe I should just get over it. That maybe I should just TRY and think about the good things and not so much about the things that make me sad. But it's hard....my Mom was such an important part of my life and to just not have her in it all of the sudden is a shock!! It was a shock to all of us and for so many of us we are still grieving for her and I don't think that I'm ready to be done talking about her. I still can't sit here and do this without tears. But I do understand that maybe I have spent this last year in my little bubble....that I have not gotten the help that I may have needed.

Christmas Photos....part two~

2011-01-01T13:09:00.000-08:00

Devin with game from Mindy, Ben and boys.

Tim and TJ......he may complain about him....but he loves him!!

Emmie with her first scrapbook...from Pete, Kelly and boys. Maybe she will be like her Mom!

Ty with some clothes!!!

Ty with a new backpack from PA!!! That's what he really wanted!!! He has been asking for one for a long time!

Kids opening up a gift from Great Grandma Thompson...a new DVD player for their room!!

A gift from Tim and I....a Wii party game with other Wii stuff!!

It's find the pickle time....don't they all look excited??? But Emmie was the lucky one this year!!

My very favorite gift!!! Thank you so much Bettie! We all loved it so much. Thanks for thinking of us and my Mom this year! It meant so much to me and I will love putting it and seeing it on the Christmas tree every year!!

Christmas photos~

2011-01-01T12:44:00.000-08:00

Here are a few pictures of the kids opening up presents!! Of course my camera ran out of batteries and I wasn't able to get them opening up all their presents!!! I know I should have looked the night before and charged them up....but you know me!!! But I did manage to get a few!!

It's Goodie Box time!!! The kids love the goodie box that they get from Grandma Bettie!!!

Emmie got a DS game from Santa!!! Just what she wanted!

Ty got a Pokemon game...just what he wanted!!!

Devin got a Pokemon game also...just what he wanted...Santa new just what the kids wanted this year!!! :)

Devin got a snuggie from Lyndsey, Joe Colby and Carter...he loves it!!! They picked his favorite team!

Emmie got a snuggie also...she got hers from Lanette, Jim and girls!!! She asked for it!! It's a snuggie Christmas!

Ty got another COOL hat from Grandma Bettie and Grandpa Steve!! He loves hats!!

Devin was excited about this gift.....a cookbook and an apron!! I was excited about it also!!

A cool game for Ty....form Leah!! He plays it all the time!

Emmie and her little dog!!! Grandma Bettie knows what Emmie likes!!!

The kids getting ready to open presents!!!

Photos of my Mom~

2010-12-29T11:56:00.000-08:00

Today I thought I would just put up a few of my favorite pictures of my Mom. The first one of Mom is when she is holding Emmie. I just love it. They both look so comfy! Like Emmie belongs in her arms! This one is a keeper for sure. Emmie will love this when she gets older. The second picture is one that Ty took. Mom is smiling for Ty....I love it. The third one I kind of took from Jolene's Face book page...I saw it and had to have it!! I hope she doesn't mind that I took it! Mom just looks so happy and pretty in this picture. It's one of my favorite pictures of her. A lot of my pictures of Mom are a little older so I can't put them on the computer...my scanner isn't working!!! So, I thought I would just put these few up today. Just in memory of her. She is always on my mind, in my heart.

Emmie and Mom

Ty took this photo

I took this photo from Jolene's FB page...hope she doesn't mind!! I just thought it was such a great picture of Mom!

Devin after surgery pictures!

2010-12-27T13:31:00.000-08:00

Here are some pictures of Devin after his surgery. I know they are a little late!!! Sorry!! I guess I have been LAZY about putting them up....but better late then never!!!! He is doing pretty good so far. We will go back in on the 4th to get his stent out and hopefully the doctor will have some good news for us! That surgery will only take about five minutes...as per the doctor!! It will take longer for him to get ready then the actually surgery!! I'm sure the recovery time will be better also!!! Devin is hoping so!

Devin right after surgery

Devin and me before his surgery

Devin up and trying to eat

Sitting and watching a movie

Somethings Missing........

2010-12-27T13:12:00.000-08:00

Do you ever get the feeling that something is missing? I have had that feeling this holiday season. It's my second Christmas without my Mom. But to me it really feels like my first one. Last year I was still kind of in a fog. To tell you the truth I can't really remember a lot about last years holiday season!! I know...not good. But I was trying to remember what I had made for Christmas Eve dinner last year and I just couldn't remember. There are lots of things about that holiday that have left my mind!!! To me this whole month brings back lots of memories of what I was doing and where I was. I know that I got home on the Monday before Christmas and had lots to do to get ready. But if you ask me today what I did...I don't think I could tell you!

Okay ....now back to Somethings Missing........

I was talking to everyone on Christmas day. I talked to Leah, Lanette, Lyndsey and then my Dad. But now wait just a minute.....I'm now supposed to talk to my Mom. But I didn't get to talk to her this year. Something was missing......... I did shed a few tears after that conversation. It just felt a little strange that she wasn't there, that I didn't get to talk to her. I know for all of them at the house, they must have felt the same thing all day long.........they had something missing also.

Now looking at photos from Christmas Eve on the Internet from my Aunt and I see photos of my family and where my Mom should be, she isn't!!! Something is missing........ She should be in the photo! She should be smiling, looking at her grandsons. I look and I see my Dads face and see that he isn't his self. He is missing something....he is missing her.

Our something is missing.

A letter to Mom~

2010-12-12T09:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

I can't believe that it's been a year. A year since I last saw your face, a year since I last heard your voice, a year since I last held your hand. All of this still feels like it was yesterday. I can remember every second of that terrible day. I remember walking into that hallway knowing that it was going to be my last day with you. Walking into your room looking at you in your bed thinking, I can't do this...I can't say goodbye to you. Not you...not my Mom. This can't be happening, you can't be leaving me, you can't be leaving us..not like this, not now. You are still so young. You still have so much more to do, so many more days to live. But that wasn't how this was day was going to end...we were told this was the day, we didn't have any more time.

The time came for me to say goodbye.....I only had a few minutes, everyone wanted time with you, I didn't want to take up all the time. As I sit here thinking about what I said, I wonder to myself, did I say the right things? I'm not sure if I did. Did you hear me?   All I know is that what I really wanted was for you to open your eyes and see me and tell me that everything was okay. That you were okay with what was happening. If truth be told what I really wanted is for you to stay. But we knew that wasn't going to happen. You knew when the doctors had told you that we couldn't do anything that we didn't have much hope, but the thing was that you never gave up. You never gave up HOPE! I never saw you get down. You were so brave, braver then I could ever dream of being. You truly are my hero!

I just couldn't imagine my life without you. We as a family couldn't imagine our life without you. I sit here thinking about the family and I see every ones faces and the look of sadness as we all sat every day and night at the Ray Hickey House. I admit we tried to act like we were okay, we smiled and talked, but deep down you could see it in all of our eyes the sadness, the pain. We thought we are yet again losing a family member. Someone so important to so many. Someone that so many depend on. Mostly for friendship and companionship, that is what you were...a friend to so many.

To me we had so many wonderful talks on the phone. Even though I lived so many miles away, we still managed to be so close. It never felt like I was that far away from you. Besides not seeing your face I still felt like I was at home when I talked to you. Our Monday morning phone calls were my favorite. I looked forward to them more then I can tell you. For some reason or another if one of us missed one then it just felt weird the rest of the day. We would catch up on what happened on the weekend and you would fill me in on what was going on at home. We would talk again during the week but those Monday morning were the best. My Mondays are just not the same. I just always felt like you were right here with me.

This past year has went by in a blink of an eye. I still can't believe that you are gone. I say that all the time. I think for the first 6 months I was here, but I wasn't. I did everything I needed to do to get by, but nothing else. I would take care of the kids and the house, but above that I gave nothing. I just wasn't me anymore. I didn't have anything more to give. I just took everything I had to get what little I did done. By the time the kids went to bed I was so tired that I just went to bed and then got up and did it all over again. Not having you just made everything so much harder. I didn't have our phone calls to look forward to, I didn't have your visits to look forward to, I didn't have you at home to look forward to seeing in the summer...nothing! I just wasn't me anymore and I'm still not me. I'm not really sure that I will ever be that same person again.

It feels like this year I have needed you more then I have ever needed you. I have had some health things going on and we now have been dealing with some health things with Devin. You would always be the first person I would call whenever something was wrong with the kids or me. Now I don't have that, I don't have you to call. You would have wanted to be the first phone call, you would have been hurt if your weren't the first phone call. I have had to learn to do things differently and I don't like it. I liked it the way it was. I liked knowing that I had you there whenever I needed you.

Some days I feel like I'm a young kid again.....all I want to do is yell and scream and tell everyone that it's not fair! It's not fair that you had to leave us! It's not fair that we have to figure out a way to live the rest of our lives without you. That I have to tell my kids stories about you and that they will never get to see you again. It's just not fair! Isn't that what we say when we are kids? Well I hear it all the time from my kids and I feel it right now. I feel that I have been cheated!  Cheated out of many years with you, many years of watching you with my kids.  My kids have been cheated. Cheated out of all the love that you could have gave them. So, yes all I want to do is yell and scream and tell the world it's not fair!

I have this terrible guilt inside of me. I feel so bad that you missed out on so much of the kids growing up. I know how much you wanted to see them and wanted to be a part of their everyday life. You wanted us home so bad. Just seeing us for a few weeks during the summer just wasn't enough for you or for me. My kids loved being home for the summer and they would always talk about how much fun they had once we got home. I feel like I have cheated you now. You would have loved to be at games, awards and so many other events. I also feel bad that I didn't get your scrapbook done! I had wanted to get that finished for you and I just didn't get it done! It was so hard for me. While trying to get it done I would spend so much time before hand crying while picking out the pictures that it would just drain me. By the time I would get a double page done I was just ready to be done! So, again I'm sorry! I wanted that to be done! I'm still going to work on it, for me and for you. I think it needs to be something that I can have done, so whenever the kids or I am thinking about you we can just open up the book and look at all the pictures and read some of the captions. Maybe during the Christmas holiday I'll get some done. Maybe! It's not an easy time right now! I wish I was more like you.

As for how the kids are doing.........Devin is doing okay. You know how he is, he doesn't really show that much emotion about when he is feeling sad. I have talked to him about going to see a counselor. I thought maybe that might help him deal with some of his issues. I mean he lost you and Jenny this year. That's a lot for anyone to have to handle. He turned me down on this. Ty is doing okay, I do think that this year he has been a little more aggressive. He gets madder easier. Is this because of you or is this the age? I'm not sure. It seemed to start at a funny time. Emmie is doing okay now. But at the start of all this she wasn't doing that great. She was the one that would show more emotion then any of the others. Maybe that's because shes a girl and it's easier for her, I'm not sure. But she would go to bed at night and then cry and say she misses you or whenever she was down she would always miss you. She would also see me upset and then in turn that would make her upset, so I started holding it in whenever she was around.  I know they miss you and think of you all the time, how can they not. You were a very important person in their life.

This year has been so hard. I walk around the house when I'm by myself and talk to you....maybe that makes me a little bit crazy, but that's all I got. I think what made it even harder for me was not being around others who were going through the same thing. I couldn't help them and they couldn't help me. I know we could talk on the phone, but sometimes you just need to BE with people who understand and feel the same way. That is why I started this blog. I wanted to try and get out some of my feelings.....did it work? Well, sort of. I was able to explain how I was feeling on that day and then I was able to hear from others who were feeling the same way or those that were supporting me.

I'm just wondering will the second year be any easier??? I think of you every day and I still can't imagine going the rest of my life without you.
I'm having trouble ending this letter.........The words just aren't coming out the way I want them.

Mom.....I love you and miss you more then ever!

Bullies......oh how I dislike them!

2010-12-03T12:56:00.000-08:00

What is this world coming to? Why are kids so mean? I ask myself that question as I sit here thinking of my son. My son who wouldn't hurt anyone, who would help anyone who needed help. He might be a little shy about it, but he would help out if you asked him. He is so kind and sweet. Maybe that's just his Mom talking. I think to myself what are these parents like? I talk to my kids all the time about sticking up for the kids that are being picked on. Don't let others do that and don't you do it!

Here is what happened last night........

He comes down stairs and tells me that some kids in his class are throwing food at him. I guess they have been doing it for a few days and he is just now telling me. They do it when the teacher is not in the room where they are. It just makes me so sad that kids are so mean. I mean why Devin? What does he do to deserve that kind of treatment? I know what he does....nothing! No one deserves that! He is a good kid, he does what the teacher tells him to do and that it, nothing more.

Now the question is what do I do? Do I just let the teacher take care of it? Or should we do something? So many kids now days are getting bullied at school and so many kids are getting away with it! UGH!!!! Why can't the school do more? I think they should do more then they are doing.

All I know is that my son does not deserve this kind of treatment from anyone.

Sorry about being so mad in this post.

Call me CRAZY!

2010-12-01T07:36:00.000-08:00

First of all I just want to say that every day is just getting harder! It's like I'm living last year over again in my mind. I remember what I was doing on every single day. Was I home? Was I here freaking out? What was I doing? Well, I'm living it here over again!

I'm sure you all know that I'm a little bit wacky!! This might tell you a little about how wacky I'm! So, a few weeks ago I got this crazy idea in my head, I'm not really sure where it came from, but my Mom had made all of us girls these memory boxes a few years ago for Christmas. And I thought maybe just maybe she put a secret letter in it!!! YEAH!! How fun would that be! So, I hurried to my room and took it off the wall and looked for my secret letter....I just knew she did it! Because I knew she knew she was sick, so why wouldn't she give us all a secret letter? I looked for an opening and I looked for a way to get my secret letter. I looked for about five minutes and come to find out.....no secret letter!!!! No secret letter for me!

Happy Thanksgiving~ two posts today!

2010-11-25T05:08:00.000-08:00

Okay if you were here you would have seen me just take a big deep breath.......this post for me isn't an easy one or this day. It reminds me of my Mom. But I guess everything reminds me of my Mom.

This day last year is etched in my brain. I can still see my Mom sitting at her, oh gosh I can't think of the name of the thing that sits in the middle of her kitchen!!! Well, anyways you know what I'm talking about if you have been to her house! That is where she would always put on her make-up. Teresa was coming over and she was going to wax her eyebrows, she was very excited about that. She got it done and so did Barbara...then they started teasing me because I had never got it done, it was kind of fun to get teased again by her. So, I got it done, didn't hurt.

Mom also had wanted me to make pumpkin bars, I needed to make something and she wanted me to make those. I always make those here so she wanted me to make them. Of course I made them last night and all I could think about was her.

Everyone wanted to help out and bring dishes. If Mom had it her way she had told everyone that she was going to go to Thanksgiving dinner at whoever house it was at that year, but we knew she couldn't do it. So, everyone brought a dish. We had a ton of food! Grandma was able to come and spend it with her and I know that is what she wanted to do.

Mom stayed up through all the visitors and then by the time dinner was ready she as able to come sit out at the table. It's hard to see her in my mind sitting there trying to look like herself. We are all talking trying to make it look and feel normal when I know that for all of us it wasn't normal. We just wanted her to be better, we wanted her to be Mom! I know she would have wanted to be the one in the kitchen helping with the food set-up, not so much the clean up! I know that whole day must have been hard for her. It was hard for me! I would have changed spots with her if I could have!

Then came the time of the day that I can't get out of my mind.......I see it all the time. I see my Dad walking her to her room. Her not looking good at all. Was she just so tired from the busy day? I don't know! But that is a picture that stays with me.

I didn't get to celebrate many holidays with her and it's kind of bitter sweet that I was home for that one. I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I just wish that we would have been home for all of them. She would say it to me every time I would talk to her on the phone on the holidays, I wish you all were here. It would be so nice to have you all home! That is what she wanted! She wanted us home...she wanted her grand kids home! I wanted to be home!

PS. I'm still bugged that I can't think of the name of the thing in her kitchen!!!!!!!!!!!!

Devin update~

2010-11-25T04:38:00.000-08:00

I know I missed last week and I'm a day late at posting! It was just a busy day yesterday! We took Devin to the doctor for his 4 year heart check up and all looked well on that check up. It sure is hard to sit in that room as they are talking in doctor language and you just don't know what to think. I mean does he have what Jason had or not. So, when they said the all clear, my eyes did tear up! Thats the 11:00 appt. Now on to the 8:30......that one went as we thought it would. He will need to have surgery. I knew it was coming, but to hear the words, well it made me tear up again. I didn't get to go in the room when they did the ultrasound, Tim went with. We had the other kids, so I ended up staying with them! I know bummer, but Tim was asking all the questions, so I just thought he should go in. Turns out he has another stone and I guess it's pretty big and more stuff that is not being eliminated. So, yes surgery is needed. If he doesn't get the surgery, some day he could loss that kidney! Not good! Surgery is all set for the 20th of December. He will have to stay in the hospital for 48 hours. I'm okay with that, makes me feel better after a surgery. They know what they are doing.

He seems to be taking it okay so far. But I'm sure as the day approaches he will have more worries, as will I!

Emotional Roller Coaster~

2010-11-10T08:34:00.000-08:00

For the past eleven months I have been on this roller coaster, you could call it an emotional roller coaster if you will. In the first place, I don't like roller coasters, they make me sick! This one has kept me on it for a long time, never letting me off!

This roller coaster pretty much started around this time last year. I remember just sitting here waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for some type of news on my Mom. Waiting to hear what we had to deal with, what we were going to do, what I was going to do. I don't know how I made it through each day back then.

Then the news finally came......Yes, it was cancer! Now I had to come home. I told Tim that day I need to go home NOW! I'm sure he could hear it in my voice, I'm sure he could see it on my face. I was scared! My Mom needed me home, I needed to be with my Mom.

I got to the hospital just in time to hear what the doctor had to say! Not the news we wanted. I'm trying so hard not to cry, trying to be strong, that's what she was doing, I had to do it to. I could cry later and I did. I got up every day and went to the hospital and spent as much time with her as I could. I loved every minute of it! I didn't want to leave her, but I did and then got up and did it again the next day, just like so many other people did. I stayed until after Thanksgiving. But she wasn't well, she wasn't herself. I still remember her walking to bed and needing help...it just hurt me so much to see her like that. Now that is what I see when I think of Thanksgiving this year. I can't get her out of my mind, not that I want to, but that is my last holiday with her. That is also when she would usually come and visit us.

Now leaving her was not easy. We thought we had more time, but yet I still didn't want to go. But I had the kids at home and I had to get them through Christmas and then we were all going to come back. She was going to get to see them all. She was so happy with the news. But that's not how the story would go...............

This roller coaster just keeps me on it...it's a never ending ride.......maybe one day I will have more ups then downs!

The Mummy and the Cowgirl!

2010-11-05T17:27:00.000-07:00

Cowgirl Emmie

Mummy Ty

Devin, Ty and Emmie

I just love her face in this picture...that is why I had to add it!

I love the back picture of the kids...always have to take one!

Here we are again! Another Halloween come and gone! This one was a little bit different then last year. To begin with......this day last year reminds me of the start of us all really knowing that Mom was sick and not just sick but SICK! From here on out it's all a big reminder of what we all went through. Just thinking about what was going on in my Mom's mind at this time last year just hurts my heart so much. I know she was scared and just really not understanding what was going on. We were scared, so I'm sure she was scared.

My Mom bought Emmie this little cowgirl outfit a couple summers ago. I didn't have her wear it last year because Ty was Batman, which my Mom bought that costume for him, and I wanted Emmie to be Batgirl! I thought that would be cute. I think she might have been a little disappointed that Emmie didn't wear the cowgirl costume that year. I could tell it in her voice when she asked what she was going to be. But I'm so glad that she had that for this year! It was just so nice to see her in it and know that Mom got it for her...kind of like a last gift for her. It was just such a bitter sweet Halloween this year. Someday she will realize what a gift this was and how important it was to me that she wore it this year.

Someone Special~

2010-11-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

Today I'm changing it up......

I have been thinking of something or should I say someone for a long time, but I just didn't know if I should write about it. Why you ask? Well I guess it's not really my story to tell, but after thinking about it, I guess I'm not really telling their story I'm just telling you how I feel about this person. This person is not only important to me but also important to my Mom and really to my whole family.

I have known her for a very long time, my whole life in fact. I'm sure she has seen me at my worse and maybe at my best. But she has always been there whenever I needed her, whenever we needed her. She is one of those people that is always there for anyone that needs her. You just don't find many people like that.

She loved my Mom. She misses my Mom. We all miss my Mom, but I think she is having a really hard time with it all. The crazy thing is she is now fighting the same crazy disease that took my Mom! I hate that she has to go through all of this. I know in my heart that it's going to be different this time. Lyndsey said something the other day and it kind of made me think. She said that maybe Mom had to go, so that she could save Barbara. That sounds like something Mom would do.

So, now you know who I'm talking about.....but I'm sure you already knew!

Let me tell you a little more about her and the things she does.

While she is dealing with all her issues she still calls me to find out how my son is doing. She has all her stuff to worry about, but here she is still thinking about Devin and me. She will call me, when I should be the one calling her. She just sent me a card telling me she was thinking about me. This lady never stops thinking of others! She has always done such wonderful things not only for my family but for everyone. She always made sure that when we came home for the summer she would have a BBQ for us. She would even send us off with a bag full of goodies! She always makes the best goodies! Devin loves her rice krispie treats!

I wish that I was home. I want to be home and help out in any way that I can, but I'm not home. I'm here and everyone is there! It seems like whenever this family needs me I'm not where I need to be! I know you all can get along without me, but can I get along without you?

I could go on and on about her...but I'm sure you all know just as well as I do what she is like and how she never stops.

I'm just so glad that my Mom and her were so close and we got to spend so much time with her and her family.

You are Someone Special to so many~

Almost Over~

2010-10-27T10:09:00.000-07:00

October is almost over...that means that Breast Cancer Awarness month is almost over and I'm not real happy to see it go! I kind of like seeing all the pink in the stores. I kind of like knowing that some of what I'm buying is going to a good cause. I mean it does bring back lots of painful memories of last year and what we all went through, but for our family we need to have this month! We need to know that people are looking and working to find a CURE! A cure for this terrible disease that affects so many!

I often think of my Mom and I wonder what was going on in her mind those last few years. I'm not mad at her, I'm just puzzled. I'm just not understanding what she was thinking. I wish she could tell me why. I know she didn't want this. I know she wouldn't have chosen this path, this path with all of us here and her there. I know that if she would have seen how many people are still hurting just a few months short of a year. How her death has left us....we are all kind of living, but not living. I guess that's kind of what I'm doing. I'm here, but I'm not. Would she have changed anything? I'm not sure...I would hope so. I know she was scared, we all are. But she would have had everyone by her side. Everyone! We know that. Our family is so good when the going gets tough. They might not always be around, but you can sure count on them when someone is down and in need. That is what they do. That is what we can count on! I have seen it done with my own eyes a time or two.

So many un-answered questions. I wish I had one more day with her, but would I ask those questions or would I just take the time and spend it with her? I think you all know the answer just as I do!

Our Journey part two~

2010-10-20T05:41:00.000-07:00

After thinking about my last post I thought that I would tell you about how my journey started and it started with my Mom right by my side.

Once my Mom found out that we were going to be moving to of all places Arkansas she was not happy! But finally after coming to terms with it she made up her mind that she would be making the trip with us. She would be helping us move across the country, over 2,500 miles away from everything that we were familiar with. She wanted to be the one to see where we were going to live. She wasn't going to let me do this by myself, well I wasn't by myself I had Tim and the boys, but I still needed my Mom, don't we always need our Mom's? Well I did and I still do.

We started our journey....Tim was in the big moving truck and we were in Tim's truck. We were talking about some things on the way up and one of the things was that Grandma had told my Mom that we needed to be careful at rest stops and not get murdered...I know kind of funny, but on our first stop at a rest stop a lady said something to us and we both thought she said "Are there any murderers?" We looked at each other and thought what? Turn's out that wasn't what she asked us, but it was funny, I guess you had to be there, but it was kind of a funny thing to talk about later on during the trip.

She ended doing most of the driving...I did do some. But she did a lot and helped us out so much. It was so nice to have her with us. I don't think it would have been an easy drive without her. Ty was just 3 months old and needed lots of attention.

By the time we arrived in Magnolia we were ready to be there! Ready to stop driving! Ready to see what I had gotten myself into! Ready to see this little town and the house that I would be living in. The house was good....it was big, bigger then the house we have now. What I wouldn't do for that house now! It had four bedrooms that were pretty good size and a nice big front room. The kitchen wasn't that big, but bigger then the one I have now. Mom liked the house. The town.........hmmmmm.....the town was small. Not much to do. She wasn't as impressed with the town, but then neither was I.

She got to stay for another week, helping us get things moved in and trying to get some things unpacked. I have some pictures of this and I wish that I could put them on here...maybe I can scrapbook them and then add them, that might work.

Then came the dreaded day....the day she had to leave. We had to drive her to Shreveport and that was the longest drive, not as long as the drive back. It was so hard telling her goodbye and then having to watch her say goodbye to Devin and Ty. Devin who she had such a strong bond to and Ty who was just a baby who she was just getting to know. Now she had to say goodbye and we didn't know when we would see her again. We were so used to seeing her almost every day. But now we had no family, no one to go to if we needed something. We were on our own!! That was scary! Devin and I cried the whole way home, an hour and a half. Then when we did get home I went into Devin's room where she had spent so much time and just sat and cried!

Every day since this journey has began my Mom has always been the one that I would call when I needed to feel like I was at HOME!

Our Journey~

2010-10-18T09:59:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about this post for awhile now and I'm hoping that it will come out the way I want it to. I might complain a little and I might be feeling a little bit sorry for myself....so if you don't want to hear all that then I guess you better stop reading this now! :)

We started this journey a long time ago, in the year 2000. I thought that it was only going to be a short journey. I thought it was going to be a two year journey away from home and then we were going to be back, but that is not the case. We have now been gone over ten years! TEN long years! We have added a child to the mix, after taking a baby with us and a young child. No one got to see Devin grow into a young man, no one got to see Ty grow into a young boy, no one got to see Emmie grow into a young little girl. None of that. Everyone missed all of their firsts....everything about them was missed. Only one person got to hold Emmie the day she was born, other then Tim and I and the boys, my Mom. That isn't how it is supposed to be. We should have had a room full of people waiting to hold my baby girl, but we didn't. But I was glad my Mom was there, but I wished that we were home for that wonderful event in our life.

Now lets get to what we are missing out on by not being home! We missed out on some births that we would have wanted to be home for! We would have loved to hold the newborns of many babies in the family. We miss out on all the birthday parties, my kids wouldn't know what to do if they got to go to as many birthday parties that our family has. They would love it! We miss out on all the family holiday stuff, granted they may be a bit hectic, but I would love it. For us they are a little bit boring. I try and think of things to do with the kids, but I'm so busy cooking and cleaning, by the time I get done with that I'm ready to sit down. Doing the whole Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner by yourself isn't so much fun, yes Tim will help out, but I do end up doing most of it. What I really miss is the day to day family things. I would love to go to baseball/softball games or any other sport that our family members our playing. We love to do those simple kinds of things. Just being around family is what we, well what I like. I miss just going out to lunch and having a girls night. I would love to do that! I Don't get that here. I don't do anything that doesn't involve the kids or Tim. I know some of it might be my fault, but I have been so wrapped up in their world for so long that it's hard to get out of it and be in my own world, plus I really don't have any one to do anything with! Again my fault!

We have been gone so long that sometimes I feel like we are kind of the black sheep of the families! We don't get many calls anymore and when we are home we don't know all the inside jokes or the happenings. I kind of feel like I'm on the outside of a circle looking in and now I feel like it's only going to get worse with my Mom being gone. I feel like I'm lost.

I'm not really sure when our journey will take us back home, I'm hoping it will be soon. It has taken a lot out of me and I don't feel like I'm the same person that left that summer day.

Devin's Surgery~

2010-10-15T10:52:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of Devin before his surgery. It was a little sad that day. As soon as the nurse left and he got in the bed to wait a little tear came out of his eye.....he was so scared. I don't blame him, I was scared also when I had my surgery. But for a kid, it's more of the unknown. They really don't know what to expect. They don't know what is going to happen.

He wanted me to get a picture of these cute little socks that they had him wear.

He looks pretty scared in all of these pictures. But as we were waiting for everything.....in my mind I kept thinking that as the end of the bed he had other people waiting along with me. He had two other Grandma's and his Dad. They were not going to let him go in without them! The surgery went well and he is now doing great! These last few days he hasn't had to take any pain medication. That makes him feel much better and me also. We are just waiting to hear from the doctor on the other thing they found, but it looks like it will be fine as long as he is feeling fine.

Happy Birthday Mom~

2010-10-12T08:04:00.000-07:00

Today my Mom would have been 61~

She should be here today getting my morning phone call telling her Happy Birthday. But she's not here!

This whole month brings back lots of memories of last year. This is when it all seemed to start. This is when she started telling us she wasn't feeling well. She said she just had a "flu bug" that was going around. Well, her "flu bug" never got better. I remember talking to her and she just didn't sound good. She didn't sound like Mom. She didn't do the things she usually did. She seemed to be getting worse and worse. It was Halloween and she still wasn't feeling good. It was so hard for me to deal with my day to day stuff around here because I was so worried about her even then, but she kept telling me she was fine and it was just that darn "flu bug" that just kept coming back! What could I do?? What could anybody do? Everyone told her to go to the doctor, but she had to make the choice to go and when she did that is when all hell broke loose!

I wish that I was home so that I could give her flowers. I know that she will have plenty of them, but I just want to be able to do that for her. She loved doing that and always made sure everyone had flowers. I'm not sure when I will be able to give her flowers. I know the first time I go it will be very emotional for me, but it is something I need to do....want to do.

Happy birthday Mom~

2010-10-06T08:59:00.000-07:00

Here are a few new pictures of the kids. I have been slacking on putting some new ones up! This first one is of Devin in his Chef jacket! I need to get one of him in full uniform. He is really enjoying this class. Maybe soon he will be cooking dinner for the family!! That would be nice! He made fudge on Friday....but some how it never made it home!

Here is Emmie in a cute little skirt that Lyndsey got her. I of course forgot what it's called! Isn't it the cutest thing ever!!! I just love the colors! She wore it for for three straight days! She loves to put it on as soon as she gets home from school! I need to get her some little pants to go under it now that the weather is getting a little cooler...then she could wear it to school! Then there is Ty!! I still have not got a picture of him in his fall ball uniform!! I know bad Mom!! He only has one more game left. I will have to get one next week.

The Things She Loved~

2010-10-06T07:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, I guess I better say I'm sorry for not posting last week! SORRY!!! No excuses....just had a bad week and couldn't put it into words.

Tomorrow Devin will go in for his surgery on his kidney. I know it's not a BIG surgery...but to me it's a big deal! They will be putting him under and I have just been needing my Mom yet again. I guess you could say I'm a needy person. I have always needed her when it came down to my kids when they were sick or just anything about them. I would have called her the minute I got home from the doctors office to tell her the news and she would have been worried about it, but also glad that they were getting things done and not messing around and waiting.

The Things She Loved

Going to garage sales with Grandma and Antique Stores on Fridays
Her Grandkids
Monday night pool
Making something out of nothing (examples are all over her house)
Screen doors
Angels
Cheetos
Red licorice
Making her house look pretty
Mexican Food with Beer
Shopping
Antique magazines

I could go on and on....but I think these were some of her favorite things! She really enjoyed her Fridays with Grandma. She would save her money for that very day so they could go shopping and then go get a little lunch. That day was very important to her...she didn't want to miss it. Even when I was in town she would still make sure and go with Grandma.

Sorry~

2010-09-22T08:07:00.000-07:00

Today I don't want to bother you with all my feelings, when I know that other people have bigger issues then I do. I'm sure you get tired of hearing me complain about how I'm still trying to get over everything. I know when I first started my Wednesday blogging I wanted it to be about my Mom and stories about her and some days I find myself telling you more about me then her. Sorry.....I think I just get a bit carried away sometimes and my mind tends to go places that I really didn't expect it to go and then it's done and the blog is posted and then I go back and look at it and think to myself, well that isn't what I really set out to write about. So, today I'll try and write a little story about my Mom.

But first of all I do want to say something..................................................................

I HATE BREAST CANCER!!!! There said it! I mean I don't like any cancer, but right now Breast cancer is at the top of my list!

Okay! That makes me feel a little better, not much, but a little! Sometimes you just need to say it.

When Mom came home from the hospital the first time I could tell she was a little nervous. She was going to be sleeping out in the front room. I asked her if she would like for me to sleep out there with her, she said no you don't need to do that. I said I will if you want me to , just let me know. A few hours later after everyone had left, she finally asked if I would sleep out there with her. I know that it must have been hard for her to ask that, but I didn't mind one bit. I wanted to be there if she needed anything, I wanted her to feel safe. She did wake me up a few times to get her water or to help her get up to go to the bathroom or just to talk. I would have stayed up all night if that is what she would have wanted me to do.

As the days went by and she seemed to be getting a little worse, she was having a hard time breathing, she was awake more and more at night. She would watch some TV, Desperate Housewives and talk some, but she didn't really say much. How I wish in those hours that we would have talked. I had so many hours with her, so many hours to tell her how I felt. But at that time we were still fighting this! She was still fighting this. She never gave up hope! Up until her last breath she was a fighter. She never wanted to give up.

She fought this crazy thing as best she could. I know that if we would have found it earlier she would be here. Because she is a fighter and she would have fought this. That is what I know for sure....she would be here with me and the rest of my family. She would be her to help us all deal with our issues and help others fight! We will win this fight.....for her we will win! We have to!

The truth~

2010-09-15T10:05:00.000-07:00

I'm late!!!!! I'm sorry that I'm late at posting today! I usually like to post in the am, but Tim was home today and I just can't get much done when he is here.

Today I'm going to tell you the TRUTH!!!! The truth about how I'm doing and what I have been doing!!

First of all if any of you have been counting the months like I have then you know that it's been nine months! Nine months! Nine months since my Mom has been gone. Nine months since I last heard her voice. Nine long months of grieving and needing her more then ever. Nine months of putting all the pain that I feel way down deep and saying that I'm okay, when I'm not okay. When really all I want to do is curl up in my bed and just cry! Not just for me, but for everyone.

I think that I hide what I'm feeling from everyone else. I want them to think that I'm okay, that I'm getting over this. Don't get me wrong, I do have my good days and my bad days. But it's during the day when the kids are at school and I'm here by myself and you would think that I would be getting lots of things done, but I don't! I don't do anything. You would think that my house would be as clean as a whistle, what is stopping it from being clean? I have all day to clean, but nope I sit and I find other things to do, things to keep my mind busy, so I can't think. A couple of weeks ago, now this is embarrassing, I cleaned the bathrooms, and Emmie says to me, "Who is coming to visit?" Like that is the only reason that I would be cleaning the bathrooms! Now don't be thinking my house is a big mess....it's picked up...it's just not clean like it used to be! You would also think that with all this time on my hands I would be either working on cards or working on scrapbooks! I need to get my Moms done before the end of the year, but nope. What I do is sit here on the computer and watch silly reality shows, you know the good ones on MTV! Just so I don't have to think about my reality! I think that is why I do it, I don't want to think about me and my problems. I just can't do it. I don't want to do it. I want to go into someones else's world for awhile. But in the end I have to come back to reality...my reality.

So, the truth is that I'm sad~

Today it's my Birthday~

2010-09-13T08:43:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday...........................My first one without my Mom. Isn't it crazy that is how I think of everything now? Everything is a first. Kind of like when you have kids. They have all these firsts...now I'm having all these firsts and these firsts aren't good ones. I knew that this day was coming and I knew that it wasn't going to be easy. I know it's still early and I have a long day ahead of me, a long day to think of her and to think of what it would be like if she was still here.

First of all it's a Monday and I would have already got the call from her.

My day today has already started with a heavy reminder of why she isn't here. I had to go in for my 6 month Mammogram this morning and also had the ultrasound done. Would I have had that done today if she would have been here?

The results where that I have a complex cyst, I also I have some other cysts that are normal. The lady doing the ultrasound today was very nice and explained everything to me. She told me that you can see through the other cysts, but you can't see through the complex ones. They are kind of mushy inside or bloody. I know kind of not great words, but that is what she said. I have to go back in for another mammogram and ultrasound only on my right breast in another 6 months and if it has grown any more they will want to stick a needle in it! YIKES!! I guess they like to keep an eye on those type of cysts and also because of the breast cancer in the family they are also keeping a closer eye on things. I guess that's a good thing.

These next few months are going to be hard. We are all going to be going through our firsts. All of my sisters with our birthday's all so close. And then the big one.....My Moms birthday!

One more time~

2010-09-07T17:50:00.000-07:00

First of all I'm sorry for not posting last week. My mind was on other things and I just couldn't do it. I did try, but it just wasn't coming out the way I wanted it to. Hopefully you will be able to forgive me....I think it's harder on me when I don't post, I feel bad. I feel like I'm doing an injustice to my Mom for not blogging about her.

Okay enough about that.....

Today I went to the library...I know I went again. You must think is that all I do. Well to be honest with you, I do read a lot and I do it to try and forget. Does it work? No, not really, but it does take the pain away for awhile. It makes me think I'm somewhere else, maybe in a perfect world where they don't have any problems. So, today after getting a few normal books, I go walking in a different section, I don't know why, just trying to see something different I guess. I'm in the biography section and I just happen to come across a book about a lady with breast cancer. I know you are thinking don't pick it up! Don't bring it home! I'm thinking the same thing! I of course take it off the shelf and take a good look at it and think to myself...do you really want to read it? I think to myself what can it hurt...I can always use a good cry. So, I go ahead and get it. I do have to tell you that I read it all today. It wasn't a big book, but it was good. It did make me think of my Mom, but the story wasn't the same. I mean the lady did have Breast cancer, but she found it early and was able to have it taken care of, not without a fight. The only thing that I wished for is that we would have found my Mom's early. How different our my world would be today!!

While reading I remembered a time in the hospital when she was feeling good. She wanted to go for a walk. I think that there was about five of us with her that night. We walked the halls for about 20 minutes or so and she loved it. She was using a walker, but she was up and walking, something she hadn't been able to do in a long time. I was so glad that I was able to be there and share that moment with her. We were all worried that she was going to wear herself out, but she didn't want to go back to her room. She wanted to see where everyone would wait to see her when she had a room full of people. She always had so many people waiting to see her. It was like you had to take a number to get in to see her. Some days I wish I could go back to those days when she was in the hospital. Those days when she was feeling so good. I remember one night when it was just Lanette, Leah, Lyndsey and me there. Everyone had left and she was just sitting in her bed and we were all just talking and she was flipping through her magazines and then she wanted us to clean up her room a bit. She didn't like it to be messy. It was kinda nice to have it just be us for a little bit. What I wouldn't do for another night like that. What I wouldn't do to walk those hospital halls again with her. What I wouldn't do to hear her voice just one more time.

Those she left behind~

2010-08-24T14:10:00.000-07:00

My Dad~

Who I know is missing her so much. His life has been turned upside down. Nothing is the same for him. His daily routine has changed, from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed, nothing is the way it was, or the way it is supposed to be. Seeing him with her while she was in the hospital made me see him in a new light. He was so good to her, so sweet with her. I'm sure it was so hard for him to have to deal with all that and now to deal with her gone and to deal with the every day life without her.

Her Mother, my Grandma~

What Mother thinks that in her lifetime she will have to say goodbye to two of her daughters? I'm sure for Grandma that thought never came to her mind. Both of them meant so much to her. I know how close my Mom was to my Grandma and I know that it must have broke my Moms heart to have to leave her. I know that she must have been thinking...who is going to take over for me? Who is going to take her out on Fridays? I know that for Grandma she must be hurting so much, missing her so much.

Barbara, her sister~

They were not only sisters, they were really great friends, Best friends! They did a lot together. What didn't they do together! They worked together, vacationed together, shared many great times together. During the summer months they were either at each others house on each others porches enjoying the outside, doing what they enjoyed, having a few beer's, having dinner, enjoying each others company. That is what true friendship is. The greatest thing about their relationship is that my Mom left Barbara here for us. She is here when we need her. I'm so grateful for her and thankful that I know if I ever need anything, she is here for me and my family.

Her Grandkids~

Can I even begin to explain what these kids will miss out on? No, I don't think that I can. I know that each of them are dealing with this loss in their own way. It's hard to lose your Grandma and to lose her so fast. For my youngest two they didn't get the chance to tell her goodbye. They didn't see her when she was so sick and in the hospital, maybe that's good, I don't know. All I know is that they are all missing out. They are all missing out on one of the most thoughtful, loving, kind hearted and giving Grandmas. They were all so very lucky to have had her in their life, I just wish that they could have had her for many more years. She was always thinking of them. I know that it must of hurt her so to know that she was leaving them behind.

Her Daughters~ Lanette, Leah, Lyndsey and Me~

Now this is where it gets tricky! All of us girls are dealing with this in our own way. I'm dealing with my loss by blogging and trying to get by day to day. Is it working? No, not really, but I'm trying. I don't think that I will ever get over her being gone. I can't seem to get over the fact that the phone will not ring, that she won't make that Monday morning call. I still to this day walk into my house and look at the machine to see if there is a message from her when I have been out in the morning. She was the only one that would call me that early in the morning, I knew if it was blinking that it was her. I do have to tell you that I'm jealous of the fact that everyone else got to see her and sometimes I can only talk about our phone calls. I know that we got to talk about a lot and got to share somethings that maybe we wouldn't have shared by talking so much...but I think that I missed out. I really wish that I could have seen her more, had more memories of her, more memories of her with the kids. It just depresses me so much that I don't have that. I know that we were all lucky to have had her for as long as we did, but it just wasn't long enough for me. I know that my sisters miss her just as much as I do and what makes this harder for me is that I'm here and they are there.

Mom....you are missed more then you would have ever guessed~

Disappear~

2010-08-20T09:51:00.000-07:00

Do you ever just want to disappear? Well, I do and when I do I seem to go into books. I have been doing that since my Mom passed away. I have been reading a lot, trying to forget, trying to get my mind to think of something else. Does it work? Maybe for awhile, but as soon as I put the book down it comes back in full force.

The reason I'm bringing this up is because yesterday I went to the local library to get some books and I went to the new book section first and picked up a author that I have read before and just looked at the inside cover and it looked like something I would enjoy.

Jane Green is her name and the book is Called "Promises to Keep".It's a fiction book, doesn't say anything about it being about cancer, I thought it was going to be a good old book about romance. I started reading it and got into it and before you know it she is a Breast Cancer Survivor...I'm thinking that's good, but as the story continues....and everything is just going along way good....it hits!!! She is sick again! In the hospital and everything is just like my Mom. I can not put the book down as tears are running down my face. From the way she is drinking from a cup with a straw and everyone is having to help her. The way everyone is feeling and the way she is not giving up. It's all to real, all to familiar! For the last half of the book if I don't have tears running down my face I have a big lump in my throat. It was hard to read, but I had to finish it.

If you ever feel like crying over a good book...this is a good one for that very purpose.

The things she says~

2010-08-18T10:46:00.000-07:00

Here we are again today........

Today I'm having a hard time getting started. I had something that I wanted to write about this morning and I still will, but I first of all wanted to write a little thing about family. It's come to my attention that I was taken off a certain members Facebook friend list because of some things that have been going on at home. I'm a little taken back that I was taken off, being that I just got put back on! I'm also taken back because that is the only way this one family member would ever know anything about me or my family or see any pictures of my kids being that we live over 2,ooo miles away. I guess that doesn't matter to this said family member. What can I say? I of course am a little upset that my family has no meaning to them. Do I just let it go and do nothing....or do I say something? I'm usually not the person to do anything about things and just let them solve them self, but life is too short to let things go by. I would think that after everything that has happened to our family that this person would understand that family is family. I have had a hard time this morning thinking of a way to solve this problem and trying to figure out a way around it.

The things she says~

It amazes me what my Little girl knows and understands. The other day we went and got her a couple of new earrings, she has got to the eight week mark and is now able to change her earrings. She was very happy about that. So, we of course were in Claire's for a little while, can you see it, Ty and Devin in Claire's with a bunch of girls??? It was funny, they really just wanted to wait outside! Anyways.....Emmie had to see everything! Had to pick the very cutest pair! Finally Tim told her to hurry up and pick the ones she wanted, we could have been there for another hour if she had her way! She got 3 pairs, a green turtle pair, a cupcake pair and some pink little cross's. Later that night she came home and told Tim that she got the cross's for Grandma Debbi. When Tim told me that it brought tears to my eyes.

Yesterday Emmie was in her room for a long time. I thought she was with Ty watching TV, but come to find out she was in her room drawing a picture. She showed me the picture and she says it's a picture of you, me and Grandma Debbi and she wrote on the top of it, " I love my Mom and Grandma." Okay, again with the tears. Will they ever stop?

I know now that she is thinking about her, more then I know. She is the one that talks about her, more then the boys. She is the one that sees me and notices it when I'm upset and will make a point to come over and give me a hug. She tells me all the time how much she misses Grandma Debbi. I think girls just can get their feeling's out a little bit better then the boys can.

I can't wait to see what she says next~

The Question

2010-08-14T04:20:00.001-07:00

The question was asked from Lyndsey's blog and she asked, " If you could talk to them, them meaning the person that you lost, what would you say to them?" Hmm, that question kind of took me by surprise. What would I say to my Mom? Like Lyndsey said in her blog we weren't the I love you kind of family, but knowing what I do now I still think that I would have told her that I loved her very much and that my life will never be the same without her. But after thinking about it a lot last night I know now what I would have told her.

I would have started it off by telling her that I'm sorry! I'm sorry for living so far away, even though she new that I hated every minute that I was away from every one. She new that this wasn't where I really wanted to be. I wanted to have my family home where we could be around our families. I'm sorry that she didn't get a chance to see her grandchildren grow up. I'm sorry that we missed all the family dinners and holidays. I'm sorry that she only got to see us every other summer. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most!

All she ever wanted was for us to be home. That would have made her so happy. I know that she really enjoyed it when we were all together, when we were all home! She loved doing things for the kids and would remember everything. They were never far from her mind, she would go to garage sales and buy things for them and send them just because, no reason. Just because she knew that they would enjoy it or that they liked it. She knew them inside and out. The kids would get so excited when they knew I was talking to her on the phone and would just sit there and bug me to talk. Did she know how much she meant to all of us? I wonder if she really knew that. Did she know that her not being her would turn our world upside down? Did she know that she is the one that made this family a family? I hope so.......I just hope she left this world knowing how important she was to so many people.

I would have told her how sorry I'm and how important she was to so many people. She was not only a Mother to me but also my friend.

I do remember when I got to the Ray Hickey House that first night and my Dad telling her........"Your girls are all here now." And she smiled!

Changes~

2010-08-11T07:53:00.000-07:00

Today the kids went back to school. Last year at this time I was most likely talking to my Mom telling her about the kids and how the morning went, but this year it's different and from here on out it will be different. I won't get to tell her what outfit they had on and how their first day went. How excited they were or maybe how they weren't excited. It's just changed.....

I was filling out the kids forms for school. We have to fill them out every year and I always put my Mom down as the emergency contact. We don't know anyone here that we can really put down, so I always put her down. She was most likely home and I knew that they would either get a hold of Tim or I so I really didn't need to worry about it, so I always just put her down. But this year I couldn't put her down! That was another change! Oh, how I'm not liking changes!!!

I know how we go through many changes in our life, but it seems like in this last (one day short) eight months I have gone through so many changes. Some I never expected to go through at this time and some that I really have grown to dislike.

My kids on their first day of school! How I wish my Mom could see them. Look how much they have grown in just a year. All the changes that they have went through! I'm so mad that she had to die. I just can't even imagine these kids growing up without her. How will I explain to them what a wonderful Grandma she was? Will they remember her? I know that Devin will, but what about Emmie? She is so young! I can only tell them and show them so much. I just hope that one day they will know how important she was not only to me, but to them.

Her Dreams~

2010-08-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

Today I thought I would do something a little different. I always write about how I'm feeling...so today I thought I would write about what she was feeling and what she wanted to do....more or less her dream~

I'm sure you all know what she loved doing.....decorating. She could make something out of nothing. Now don't we all wish we had that talent. I look at my blank wall....yes I still have a blank wall in my house after living in it for over five years...and I know that she would have had that filled up in less then two days if this was her house. She could do anything. Yes, she sometimes may have put up a little too much, but she made it look good. No, we could never do that, but she could. She could look at something in a stack of things and know what would look good together, but me......that just doesn't happen. I look at it and I get nothing! That's why when I lived at home I would always call her up when it came time to do all that and I think she liked it. I think she enjoyed it that everyone needed her help and guidance in that area. It is hard being so far away and not having that...that is why my wall is still blank.....I didn't have her here to help me.

On to her dream. Her and I had talked about it in the last few years that she would like to have her own Antique shop. She loved going to them and she loved talking to the ladies that ran them. Grandma and Mom just looked forward to their Friday's were they would visit them and then on the the garage sales. Where of course Mom found everything good! The ladies that she met just loved her and Grandma. I went with them on a few Fridays when I was in town and it was fun to see her light up when she doing what she loved to do. She would also tell me about her projects that she was working on or her ideas. I loved hearing about them and I knew that if anyone could do it, she could have.

I wish that she could have made her dream come true, but if you think about it...in a way she did. She had her very own Antique shop in her house. It is her, it's just the way she wanted it. When I was home, after she passed away, I wanted to take a picture of everything. I was so scared that maybe something might change before I come back again and I don't want that. I want it to stay the same, just like she left it, the way she wanted it. Her stuff that she bought and thought about. She picked everything out and made it to her liking. It was her. It's all we have left, besides our memories. It's a place that we can go and remember her and know that this place is her....her home! Her Dream~

I did it!

2010-07-28T12:01:00.000-07:00

I did it! I finally made it through my Moms phone message! Well, I kind of did it for the blog and because I have been so scared that something might happen to the message! I have been scared that maybe it might get erased by accident! So, I have been thinking how can I preserve it?

Then it came to me! I can put it on my blog! Then maybe you all can listen to it also when you want to hear her voice. She is just talking about her doctors appointment and for me not to worry, I know me not worry! That wasn't going to happen! I also just put up a picture of her while taping her voice...not the best work, but what can you expect from an amateur like me!

Anyways here goes..........................

My hands were shaking a bit and a few tears were shed while making this very short video! Again it's not the best...but at least we get to hear her voice!

Grief and what we make of it~

2010-07-28T09:44:00.000-07:00

Thinking back to when I lost Jason and how I dealt with this thing called grief, I think I dealt with it a lot better then I'm dealing with the loss of my Mom. Now that doesn't mean that I didn't love Jason as much as I love my Mom. I think it has to do with where I'm at in my life and who I'm now.

Back then I had a huge support system. For at least the first 8 months I don't think that I was ever home alone at night. I always had company. I think someone must have talked to someone and made sure that I always had someone over or that I was somewhere. Just not at home by myself for a long period of time. I mean I did have my alone time where I could do what I needed to do to grieve. That was at night when everything was quiet, when Devin was in bed for the night and I could let my guard down and let it out. I could cry myself to sleep. Devin didn't see me...no one saw me. I would hide in my own little world and not let anyone see how much I was hurting inside, even though I'm sure they all knew, how couldn't I be hurting? I just lost my husband!

Now I'm grieving again! The loss of my Mom! You would think this would be something that I'm familiar with, that I can do this! I have done this before and I can do it again! But it just isn't as easy this time. You see...I don't have this huge support system here in Kentucky! I live over 2,000 miles away and it just isn't working like it worked the last time! I have Tim and the kids, but I don't really let them see that side of me. I don't want to upset the kids and let them see me cry or down. Second of all, I don't have my Mom to help me. She was there to help me with it the last time and now she isn't here to help me!

Maybe I'm just being a little spoiled be needing more! Maybe I should be handling things better then I should. Sometimes I want to yell and scream at the world that it's just not fair. Why did she have to die! I know we all have to die sometime, but why now? She had so many things to live for. She had so many people that needed her and loved her. She made so many people happy by just being with her.

I know lots of people are going through the same thing I'm. And I know that I miss her more each day.

Jason and Mom at pizza for my Birthday

THE BIG GAME!

2010-07-24T10:49:00.000-07:00

Today is the day.......THE BIG GAME!!! Mariner's vs Dodgers!

Devin loves this day! He can't wait for the draw of the teams, the excitement of the game! I have to admit it is pretty fun. I have missed a few and I'll be missing this one this year and I'm wishing that I was there today! Things have changed a little since last year.

First of all it changed places this year. It was in the works before everything happened with my Mom. We were at Riley's birthday party last year and something got mentioned about the field behind Lanette's and Jim's house and everyone thought it would be a great place for the field. Jim could mow it down to look like a real field. We said or someone said, that's a great idea!

Second of all my Mom will not be there. She didn't play but she did everything else. She couldn't wait for the day also....she did it for Devin. She knew how much it meant to him. Even though it meant lots of work for her. We would have team pictures and everything that went along with a real baseball game. We even had Riley sing the National Anthem. Now she is a great singer! Of course we couldn't forget the seventh inning stretch! Then when the game was done we would eat! YUM! My Dad would make something really good. Last year he smoked some pork loins! They were so good!!!

So, here I sit today wishing that I was there getting ready for THE BIG GAME!

Emmie Laine's 6th Birthday~

2010-07-23T12:12:00.000-07:00

My girl turned 6! I can't believe that! Wow, does time sure go by fast. I can still remember the day she was born like it was yesterday! We got to pick the day she was born because we were on the move to Kentucky! She is our only Arkansas baby! I'm not sure how she will feel about that when she gets older, but what can you do! She is mostly a Kentucky girl! She has been here since she was two weeks old! I guess we picked a good day...she shares her birthday with her cousin Josh. I think when they get older they will enjoy that they share a very special day together. Hopefully we will be living closer to home and we will be able to celebrate them together! Here she is opening a few of her gifts! We got her a scooter this year. She had a three wheeler one and it was way too small for her and lets not forget that she wants to be just like the boys and needs to go as fast as they do. But at least it's pink! :) She got a DS game and a Hello Kitty purse from Grandpa Steve and Grandma Bettie! She loves that! She also got some clothes and a cute Barbie from Lyndsey and Family! Then the cards came!!! WOW!! That girl got some money to spend! Thanks Mindy and Family, Kelly and Family, Pa , Grandma Thompson, and Missy. She also got a gift card to Target( one of our favorite stores) from Lanette and family! She had lots of fun going shopping! Thank you everyone for all the nice gifts! She loved everything and had lots of fun shopping!

Now it's time to blow out the candles! 6!!!!! Again I can't believe that she is 6 and will be in first grade this year! Can we make time slow down just a little? I didn't think so! Oh well, it's fun watching her grow up into a little girl, she isn't a baby anymore!

I love you Emmie Laine!

Memories~

2010-07-21T15:57:00.000-07:00

These last few days all I have been thinking about is my Mom and reliving everything that happened. I think, well I know it's because my mind has also been on Jenny. I know what Jodi is going through and I know what she will be going through. It's not an easy road that's for sure, I'm not sure that road ever gets easy. It sure hasn't gotten any easier for me.

Every day I wake up and I think maybe, just maybe I can get through this day and not cry, but I don't think that has happened since my Mom passed away. I will go through the day and not think about it and all of the sudden...it hits me when I'm not expecting it! Sometimes it happens right as I'm getting ready for bed and I look over and see her pictures and I think to myself...I can't believe that I have not talked to my Mom today or yesterday or the day before! It just makes no sense to me that it has been over seven months and I haven't talked to her. How can that be? I never went over a few days without talking to her! I don't really talk to anyone. I mean I talk to Tim and the kids, but I don't have anyone that I can really talk to. I used to be able to tell my Mom everything. I could complain to her about things that weren't going right and she would just take it all in, but now I don't have that someone to tell. So, I keep it all in! Who really wants to hear me complain? She did! She would listen and then complain herself! LOL!! It was so nice to be able to have that and now it's gone and she is gone!

Sometimes I think I just repeat myself and I'm sorry if I do. But you really must know that I come down here to write and I have something in my mind and what comes out is something totally different then what I really had intended to write.

All I know is that in less then 8 months we have lost two wonderful woman and my son Devin has lost two of his Grandmas. They loved him more then anything and I know that he is hurting inside and it's hard for him to show us that side.

I know that someday this picture will mean more to him then anything! They were his biggest fans and they only wanted the best for him.

Another Sad Day~

2010-07-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Jenny Feller passed away~

Yes, another sad day. We knew it was coming, but are we ever ready for it? I don't think you can ever prepare yourself for losing someone important in your life! She was a wonderful Grandma to Devin and Seth. The best Mom that Jodi and Jason could ever ask for. I know the pain that Jodi must be going through right now, and I can't do anything to help her. I hate that I'm so far away and I can't help. I feel so helpless! I'm just so thankful that Devin is home and was able to see Jenny. That makes me feel a little bit better, not much, but a little. My heart goes out to Devin, Seth, Jodi, Tony and the rest of the family. Yes, I do feel like I was still part of the family. Jodi always made me feel that way. She always called and kept me up to date on everything and I know that it wasn't easy.

I have many great memories of Jenny and I will treasure them and fondly tell Devin about them. She was a great Mother-in-law. She would always try and see me when I was in town even if Devin wasn't with me. I know that Devin moving away was very hard on her and I felt very bad that she couldn't see Devin as often as she would have liked.

Yesterday after hearing the news and after getting over the shock of it all.....I did smile, I thought she is with Jim and Jason. I know that she is happy to be with them. She loved them so much and them leaving her at such an early age was so very hard on her.

We now have one more Angel in heaven looking out for us~

Thanks Jenny for all the wonderful memories and most of all thank you for letting me in your family. I truly felt blessed to have been loved by your son and that I have a piece of Jason and you.....Devin! He is truly a blessing and I hope that one day he can fill those big shoes that his Dad left. You will never be forgotten!

Our visit with Steve and Bettie~

2010-07-14T17:02:00.001-07:00

We had a great time when Steve and Bettie came out for a visit a few weeks ago! They kids just loved having their grandparents here for a few days! Tim and I love having company!

Steve and Bettie and the kids~

Love this picture of Steve and Bettie and the kids!

Tim and Steve with the kids when we went out to dinner at our favorite German restaurant! I LOVE the German noodles! They are so good! I can just eat them! Give me a plate of them and I'm happy!

Emmie with Grandma Bettie! How cute is that!

The family!

We had lots of fun while they were here! The only downside to the trip was that the weather was so warm! It was in the high 90's the whole time they were here! So, we really couldn't enjoy the outside as much as we wanted. The next week after they left.....the weather was great! Down in the 80's with a breeze! :( What can you do! At least it wasn't raining while they were here!

On Edge~

2010-07-14T16:16:00.000-07:00

Well, here I'm again! Did you miss me? I'm sure you did! LOL, only kidding. I'm not even sure anyone has been reading this blog, but that's okay, I understand you all have a life! You have things to do, you can't just sit around waiting for me to post this silly old blog!

Today has been a day. My stomach has been turning all day long. My mind has been going a mile a minute. I'm just remember this time last year and reliving it. You see it was Emmie's birthday and we were home celebrating with our family. We didn't have a big party, because I just felt kind of weird about having a big party when we were home and never being able to go to other parties....like we were just coming home for a present and I didn't want people to think that's all we wanted. So, it was pretty much just family and that was just fine with me. We never get that around here, to us that was a GREAT party! I wish that my kids got that every year, but they just have to settle with a small family dinner and cake.

The day started out with a lunch out to Chinese food, Emmie's favorite! My Mom didn't go, she was getting things ready for the big game that was coming up that weekend. She was also getting Emmie's cupcakes ready. She had been talking about these cupcakes that she wanted to make for her before we came home. They turned out really cute.

They were a beach theme! They not only looked cute, but they also tasted really good! I got her a cake also, but everyone wanted the cupcakes! Everyone loved them! We went out to pizza that night and it was just so nice and relaxing. Emmie had fun and got to open her presents with all of our families. I wish that I could go back to that day. I didn't take any pictures of Emmie with any of her Grandparents! What was I thinking? I guess I wasn't thinking! Just Emmie alone. Not even one with Tim or I! I should have taken one with my Mom and Emmie with the cupcakes!!! UGH!!! It just makes me want to cry!

I think that for me Emmie's birthday is harder because we are usually home for it and celebrating it with my Mom and our families. To tell you the truth this just sucks!

Tomorrow my girl will be turning 6 and I'll be celebrating her birthday without you Mom and it's just not the same!

Ty and Emmie swimming lessons~

2010-07-10T13:36:00.001-07:00

Well swimming lessons are over! They both did pretty good. Ty is swimming like a fish and Emmie still needs some work. This girl of mine has no FEAR, let me tell you! Unlike her mother who sits on the sidelines watching her and telling her to stay on the wall! Just you wait and see what she did on her final day! I'll show you.....

Here are some pictures.

This is what Emmie decided to jump off of on her last day! No, the girl can't swim! She has been going off the little diving board as you can see, she went off that on her second day. She went right up and just ran right off! She went so fast that I couldn't even get a picture of her! I was so busy watching her that I couldn't get the picture! I thought maybe she would stand there a minute so I could take the picture, but nope, she just hoped up and ran off! Yes, someone was waiting for her, I would never of let her do it! Ty was so surprised that she did it. He has done it one time and he will not repeat it! He landed on his belly and got the air knocked out of him. He just gave her a high five and smiled! WOW!! What a girl! I guess we have got to keep our eyes locked on her from now on!

Cornhole~

2010-07-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if any of you know what Corn hole is, but here in Kentucky it's a must! People play it all the time. It's an outside game kind of like horse shoes but played with bags of corn. A few weeks ago Tim made some sets. We went ahead and bought the corn hole bags. You can get them in any type of fabric you want, most people around here would choose the UK colors, but not us. Shh, don't tell anyone, but we really aren't UK fans! I mean around here if it's game day and you don't have a UK shirt on you get looked at kind of funny! Every where you go it's UK everywhere, even at the doctors office!

Anyways on to the corn hole......

Tim and Devin are loving it! They play it all the time. Ty, Emmie and I play it sometimes, but we aren't as good as Tim and Devin, so it's usually just the two of them playing. It's actually nice to see them have something in common. When Tim's parents came to visit we played it also, but the weather was so warm, it just made it really hard to enjoy it as much as we all would have liked.

Here is what the set looks like. Tim even made a drink holder and score board for it. I do have to say it is fun, but I need to practice a little more.

Dreams~

2010-07-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay.....I'm really slacking on this! But I do have reasons! Everyone is home and it's really hard to do anything! Someone is either on the computer or I have to do something for someone...I know you are thinking must be the kids, but nope, it's the husband that needs me the most! Always needing this or that when he is home. I sure do miss those nice days when it was just me home all by myself! But those days are long gone.

Anyways..........

Lets talk about dreams. After my Mom passed away all I wanted to do was dream about her and it never happened. I remember going to bed every night and thinking to myself ...please, please let me dream of her tonight. But no, no dream! It never came. I would wake up and be so depressed about it. I just thought if I couldn't see her during the day then just maybe I could see her in my dreams. After about two months of this I finally stopped asking. Then about two weeks ago I finally got my wish! I dreamed about her!! But the dream wasn't all that I wanted it to be. I guess you could say that I got one good thing out of it and then one thing that was still the same. I mean I finally got the dream, but in the dream she was still sick. We went to see her in a hospital type setting and we thought she was sleeping, but she was awake. I guess kind of like when we were at Hospice on her final day when I whispered something and she heard it. She heard me! Anyways....on to the dream. In the dream she was a little bit grumpy...not at all like she was. The dream really didn't make sense to me, but it was her and I got to see her. I guess that's all that I wanted. I would like to have more dreams about her. I'm hoping that I will get them someday.

Going home~

2010-06-30T17:22:00.000-07:00

I know......I'm very late at posting today! We went to a Reds game today, so I'm just now getting it done, but better late then never!

Last year at this time we would have been getting ready for our yearly trip home and my Mom would have been getting the house all ready for us. She loved having us home for a few weeks during the summer, well at least I think she did. Actually I know she did. This year it's a little bit different. We won't be traveling home, well Devin will be going home, but the rest of us will be staying home this year and to tell you the truth, I'm okay with that. I bet you are wondering why. I'm usually all set to go home and see everyone, but I'm scared. I'm scared to go home and have to face that fact that she isn't there. My Mom isn't in her house, she won't be there to see us come home, she won't be there to watch my kids playing in her yard. I can't sit out on her back porch and talk to her, it just isn't going to happen. She won't be able to celebrate Emmie's birthday. The last time I was home I had to say goodbye to her and it's been almost 7 months and I just don't know that I can deal with not seeing her in her house or sitting out side enjoying the kids. We would spend most nights outside watching all the kids playing and to not have her there just isn't right. It just doesn't seem fair.

The majority of my time home was spent with her and now I don't have her....what do I do without her? I know I have so many others and I want to see them also, it's just I need her! I need to feel like I belong. I don't feel like I have a place right now. Where do I belong? It's just that I feel kind of lost right now and I'm not really sure when I will feel like myself again. Will I ever feel like myself again? I just know that I have a big hole in my life and I just don't know how to fill it. She was such a big part of my life and in so many other peoples life. I just never in a million years thought I would be going through this at this point in my life.

Last year at this time we were all enjoying our time with each other without a thought in the world that one of us would not be here next year at this time.

Fill your Life with Love~

2010-06-26T12:33:00.000-07:00

Okay today I'm going to post two posts!! Since I kind of slacked for a few weeks! But that was because we had some house issues going on! First of all we had some sewer problems and had running water in only one bathroom and that bathroom had no bathtub or shower!!! No, shower for 6 days!!!! Well, I did shower....I just went to Tim's work and took a shower! But it was a hassle!! No fun at all. So, that is why I didn't get a chance to post one of the weeks! It was just too crazy and we were working on getting this thing fixed, well Tim was. I was his "helper" or "gopher". Not a fun job! So, sorry about not posting if you were at all wondering why I didn't! If you didn't miss it then I guess that's okay also! I missed not posting!

Fill your Life with Love~

This is a lazy Susan that my Mom had bought for me while we were at a Bazaar when I was in town after she got out of the hospital the first time. I love it and will hardly let my kids touch it!

The day we went to the Bazaar is kind of funny. It was a kind of the spur of the moment kind of thing. My sisters and I were talking about going and never really thought that she would want to go because it was so hard for her to walk any distance with out getting really tired. But come to find out she is going!! We are all glad that she wants to go. But she needs a wheelchair. So, after some phone calling, they finally find her one! By this time she is ready to go and I mean ready!! She is usually a very patient person and doesn't mind waiting around....but today she didn't want to wait. I went over to Lyndsey's for something, don't ask me what, because my mind is a blank on that one. But as I'm coming back...... because I was going to ride with my Mom and Barbara, I see them leaving !!! What the heck!!! I call Barbara's cell phone and say "You left Me"! I guess by that time, my Mom had just decided that I would just ride with Lyndsey! I guess she was ready to go....didn't want to wait for me!! LOL

On to the Bazaar! She had so much fun while we were there. We all took turns pushing her in the wheelchair. You would think that she would have been a little embarrassed, but no not Mom. She took it all in stride. It didn't bother her one bit. She just wanted to shop! And shop she did!! If you didn't go fast enough for her she would tell you to go faster! It was fun to watch her having fun! She wanted to go to all her favorite spots, the ones she knew about from last year. She had to buy me a little bell thing for my cell phone. Then she saw the lazy Susan and had to have it. It was one of the last things that I have from her. I will always treasure it!

By the time we left we had plenty of bags to carry out......the thing was they weren't our bags they were hers! She had the best time and so did we.

Thanks for a great Memory Mom~

Six Months~

2010-06-26T12:07:00.000-07:00

Could it really be six months since I have talked to my Mom?
Could it really be six months since I last saw my Mom?
Could it really be six months since I said goodbye to my Mom?

The answer is yes and I can hardly believe it. In those six months my world has been turned upside down. I still have a hard time understanding that she is really gone, my Mom isn't here anymore. I can't pick up the phone to call her, I won't be seeing her when I come home to visit anymore! How is that possible? She was here this time last year! Why can't she be here now?

You would think that after six months I would be doing a little bit better, but no I'm not. I might pretend to be doing better or maybe I just put those bad thoughts way down deep and try not to think about them. But they don't stay down for very long. They seem to come up when I least expect them.

The other day while getting Ty's picture taken for his Young Achievers, as I was sitting there watching him, all I could think about was my Mom and how much I wanted to tell her about all of this. Well, you can only guess what happened after that.......the big lump and then the tears. I had to pull myself together really fast. That just wasn't the right time for me to break down. The little things in life that remind me of her bring me to tears and they also make me smile. I bought a hanging basket the other day and I only wanted the kind that she always would get. I want to look out my window and think of her.

What I wouldn't do for one more memory......one more day~

The Bravest Woman~

2010-06-02T09:04:00.000-07:00

Lets see where this post goes.....it's a little touchy and I have been thinking about it for some time and hopefully it will come out as good as I want it to.

I'm sure you all know that I think the Bravest woman is my Mom! I'm just not sure that I could ever do the things that she did. Not only was she tough during her sickness, but she was just a all around tough person all the time. I look up to her. I wish that I had half of what she had. I know that I will never be able to be like her, but I can sure try. She is my inspiration!

I think back to the time when we were in the hospital and we got the news that there wasn't much that we could do. She just took it all in stride and the doctor kept asking her if she understood her and what she was saying. She says yes, I understand. But they kept thinking that she was in denial about the whole thing, in fact we might have all thought the same thing. But come to find out later in a conversation, she did understand and she said that she wasn't going to do what they expected her to do. She wasn't going to cry in front of them or in front of us. She wasn't going to say why me! She was just going to take each day as it came. All she wanted to do after that was go home. She wanted to be in her house, with her things and with her family and not be told how many people she can have in her room. The bravery showed in her eyes every day when I would walk in her room at the hospital and she would want to get ready for the day, just like every other day. I'm not so sure I could do what she did. She made it all easier for us. Not that it was easy by any means, but she was trying to make it that way, I'm sure that was what she was trying to do. She didn't want us to see her sad...she didn't want to see us sad. I know that on a few occasions she must have seen the sadness in my eyes, because I was standing by her bedside on her final day and she asked for someone else. I of course was taken back at the time that she didn't want me there. But after talking to my Aunt Barbara, she said that it most likely hurt her to see me so sad and she just couldn't take it. I hope that is what it was.

I look back at those days as a blessing. I got to spend some wonderful days with her. They will always be cherished and thought about. Many people don't get those last days with loved ones. Life is just too short and we have to live each day to the fullest!

Someday...........

2010-05-26T08:18:00.000-07:00

Someday I will not cry, but smile when I see a picture of my Mom.

Someday I will remember her when she was well and not sick.

Someday I will not cry after talking to my Dad on the phone.

Someday I will not think of all the what ifs.

Someday I will fall asleep with happy thoughts instead of sad ones.

Someday I will make it through the day without crying.

Someday I will be able to listen to her voice on my answering machine.

Someday I will give her pink pretty flowers.

Someday I will finish her scrapbook.

Someday I will see her again!

He only gives you what you can handle......

2010-05-19T07:17:00.000-07:00

Have you heard that statement before? That he never gives you more then you can handle. I have heard it a few times in my life and to tell you the truth I'm done with it!! I think I have handled enough over the years and I don't want to do it any more! I mean come on already! What have I done to deserve all of this! It seems like it's a never ending cycle with me and my family. Okay....maybe I'm feeling a little sorry for myself right now. But if you put it all out there then you might say that I have had my fair share of all of this. I guess I have been thinking about this for awhile and I'm just kind of upset about everything, so I'm sorry if I'm sounding mad. I been having some hard days these last few weeks and I just can't seem to get over this hump! I can't really count how many times that I broke down and cried yesterday. I cried when I took down the curtains that my Mom had put up, I just needed to wash them, but for some reason just taking them down was hard for me. I then went and looked through my pictures again.....big mistake! Not only did it make me upset, it made me mad at myself all over again for not having more pictures of her! I don't have many with her and Emmie and it just breaks my heart that some day she will ask why! Emmie got hurt yesterday and all I thought about was that I wanted to call my Mom! Why does that keep happening to me! She was always the first person I would call when something would happen to one of the kids. Now I don't have that person. In the end Emmie was fine, but she would have wanted to know about it and would have told me that everything was going to be fine.

Please don't give me any more.......I just can't handle it!

Baseball Season~

2010-05-17T09:28:00.000-07:00

We are now into the middle of the baseball season and the kids are doing pretty good. Ty's team is having a okay year. Most of the kids on his team are new this year...so it's been a hard adjustment for not only him but for me also to get used to losing!!! But as long as he's playing well, that's all that matters, right??? Hmmmm, not really sure how I feel about that statement! But I guess we are both learning this year...you can't always win!

Emmie's team is doing really well. They haven't lost a game! They did have one game that was a tie and they just left it at that. She is really enjoying it and really likes the end of the game when she gets snacks!! I think that's her favorite time of the game.

My cousin Missy came out to visit and she took some really great photos of the kids, so I thought I would put a few up for you all to see. Hope you enjoy them.
Thanks Missy for coming out to visit us and taking all the wonderful pictures! She had taken over 100 pictures while she was here! We all really enjoy visitors! Everyone is always welcome to come out to visit the good old state of Kentucky!

Mother's Day~

2010-05-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

First of all I would like to tell you that I'm sorry for not posting last Wednesday. I was busy getting ready for company and didn't even have time to sit down and eat that day. I will try not to do that again!

Mothers Day

I hope you all had a wonderful Mothers Day. I know you are all very special Moms and you all deserve nothing but the best!

My Mother's Day was a little different this year.........

What I wouldn't do for a past Mothers Day. All I really wanted this year was to be or talk with my Mom, but that wasn't going to happen. It started off a few weeks ago that I didn't have to think about what to send her, or to ask my sisters what they were going to be doing for my Mom or how I was going to make her card. But I did think about it...It was the only thing on my mind. I wanted to stress over what to get her, even though most of the time I would end up just sending her a gift card or money so she could go shopping. She loved to go shopping. She so looked forward to this time of the year. Her and my Grandma would go to garage sales and end up finding the best things. So, that's what I would end up sending her. I always wanted to get her a really special gift...but in the end I know that she would much rather go out and have a day with my Grandma, that was her fun!

Then the DAY came!!! I really tried to act like I was okay, I did it for the kids. Emmie had a make up game and that kind of kept my mind busy for a little bit, but in the end, it just didn't matter where I was. I just wanted to talk to her. I usually wouldn't talk to her very long on Mothers Day because they were busy doing things, but it was the Monday after that we would talk and I would find out how her day went. I so loved those days. It made me feel like I was there, which is really where I wanted to be.

The saddest part of the day was that I couldn't give her flowers. I would have loved to at least do that for her, she deserves that! I would have picked something pink and pretty. She needed to have flowers everywhere on that day, but I wasn't there to give her any. It just breaks my heart that I can't go up and visit with her and give her all the flowers that she deserves!

Mothers Day will never be the same again!

The Best Thing in Life.........

2010-04-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

"The Best thing in Life is when your family becomes your friend;
and your friends become your family!"

I remember hearing that and I instantly thought of my Mom. She was still in the hospice house at that time and I was getting ready at her house one morning listening to Good Morning America, her favorite news in the morning. She enjoyed that show and we would talk about Robin, Diane and what was going on. I'm glad we got to use that saying in her program, I know she would have liked that. She had so many people in her life that were not only her family, but were also her friends and some of her friends that turned into family and that we now think of in that way. She just had a way about her that made you want to be her friend.

Like all of you.......You are not only my family, but you are also my friend! It means a lot to me that I have you all in my life. Even though I'm far away......these last few months I have felt like I have you all around me, supporting me from a distance! That means everything to me. I know it's just not me going through this alone, it's all of you also. Thanks for everything! I know that I can never truly express my thanks for all that you have done, but I'm truly blessed to have each and every one of you in my life! Thanks for taking time out of your day to read my blog, it means a lot to me that you are interested in how I'm feeling and what I'm going through.

Scrapbook Album~

2010-04-21T06:40:00.000-07:00

Wednesday is here again! Boy does the week go by fast. I came down here with something to write about and then thought no....that just isn't what I want. That seems to happen to me a lot when talking about my Mom. I just don't think I ever really do her justice on my stories or on my thoughts. She just seems to fill up my days and nights and when I come down here to write about it I seem to have a mental block! I can't really put down all the feelings that are going on in my head. They just get all jumbled up and I feel like I'm jumping from one thing to another.

I don't know if I told you that I'm working on a scrapbook of her and I have only got a few pages done, well about 4 double pages. I want the kids to have something to look at when they get older. I'm so scared that they will forget all about her and not remember what a great Grandma she was. I also would want their kids to know as much about her also. It's just so sad that she isn't here, I always thought that she would be here (you see here I go, jumping from one thing to another!). Anyways......last week I was working on one and it was just pictures of her and I. Well, first of all I don't have very many of those, so I treasure all of those, but while looking at them and trying to decide which ones to put on the scrapbook, I kind of had a real moment! I guess you could say a bad moment. I just still can't get a grasp on it that she is gone, I know I say that a lot! But it's true. She was such a part of my life and it still feels like she should be here. I still want to pick up the phone and call her. So anyways......I did end up finishing the page and I thought it turned out good. Well, as good as I can make it. I ended up using the Daughters Promise on the page. I love that poem and have wanted to use it in something since I found it. I'm still wishing that I had more pictures of her! I just want to kick myself for not taking more!!! I have a pile that I'm going through and I'm going to get this scrapbook done by the one year mark! I have too! If I don't it will just go on with the other things that I have not finished. I'm doing this not only for her, but for me and the kids! We all need it to look at when we are missing her. I will have the kids write a little letter in it and then they will remember when they get older what they were feeling this year.

I just have to add a little thing that Emmie said a few days ago. She had wanted to sleep on the couch for some reason and I said sure. After getting her all ready she said, "This makes me feel like I'm at Grandmas house." I said, "Why?" She says, "I'm so comfortable!" It made me smile.

Emmie's First T-ball game~

2010-04-17T17:37:00.000-07:00

Emmie had her first t-ball game today and boy was I proud of her! She did a great job. On her first hit she hit it to pitcher/short stop and the catcher ran with her all the way to first base. It was a little bit crazy. All the people on the bleachers said....well, she is pretty cute, so I can see why he would want to follow her. Her second time up to bat and the pitcher decided to run her down instead of throwing the ball to the first baseman. When he tagged her , he pushed her down....Emmie got right back up and was safe! No tears....she is pretty tough! I guess that's what happens when you have two brothers! Here we are before the game.

Here she is getting ready to hit that ball! Getting ready to touch home plate!

Had to get a picture of her really, super, awesome, cool number! Now who had this number???? Oh yeah, that was me!!! LOL! We asked if we could have it and he said yes! I was more excited then Emmie was!

Looks like a baseball family to me! I so love watching my kids do the things they love. I enjoy every minute that I'm out at the ball park. I love cheering my kids on and I do get excited and scream a little bit, but I'm not so sure if anyone around me can hear me!! :)